Now, I likes spandex. I likes wurkin up a swet, but I dont like Yoga folk, they all... more »
Now, I likes spandex. I likes wurkin up a swet, but I dont like Yoga folk, they all hippy and smellin like eggs that been leff out in the sun. My faggit buddy stephon lernt how to suk his own dik from dem Yogis, but what I needa lern how ta stretch far, I keep it flexible in the fuck departmint, so I thank I got it covert.
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Y'all, I'm plum tuckered!
See, what happened was...
I was riflin' through
my dead hoarder renter's mail...
I figured with all the debt she left me with
I at least ought to get some swag
out of that unfortuneness.
And it's for this free yogurt class.
And I was like...class?
I was like genuinely confused.
Y'all, I thought yogurd was a desert!
Y'all member when about fifteen years ago
these places was like poppin' up all over town?
Some dude ask me
did I wanna go with him
to one of these Yogur shoppes
and I was like, "Goddamn!"
"Do I look like I eat motherfuckin' Ice Cream?!?"
I mean, you gotta be right cross-eyed
to not notice that my shit be like BAM!
I mean let's cut chase here.
I'm too goddamn sore-
And not in a good way...
-to be at this long.
Yoga fuckin' sucks!
For real, I tell no lies!
I was in much better spirits
when I thought yoga was for fatties!
Y'all know that sometimes,
I just bitch for the sake of bitchin'
and most times I don't even
really know what I'm talkin' about.
But, I been tryin' to change that,
so off to yoga I go!
I was peekin' through the window,
and everybody like,
And I was like,
"Aww, hell to the naw..."
"This here's church!"
This is just Hairy Crishners!
Yoga is just one of them
new-fangled, liberal phrases
that folks go through that just wants
to brag on theyself
just so they can act all better than you!
You know, like Vegans!
You know, them assholes!
I'm like, dudes?
I already gotta contend with all these
self-righteous, bible-thumpin' Christians,
and now I gotta hear this shit?!?
Eventually, I hadda get outta there,
cause every time somebody open that doo
I was gettin' smacked in the face
from that collective body odo
from everybody sweatin' in they hippy pits!
Anyways, I figured it was about time
for my mid-morning 40oz.,
so I went across the street to the Sak-N-Sudz,
cause I figured that'd be the end of that.
There was this big-dicked motherfucke
standin' there in spandex
gettin' himself like a health drink?
Like milk or some shit.
I can't rightly recall,
cause I was in a stone-cold cocktrance.
I was like,
I gotta climb up on that shit ASAP,
chloroform or NO cloroform!
So I followed him back to the sweatlodge...
And he there to teach some
And he was standin' there
holdin' that door open sayin',
"Can I come inside,"
and I was like,
"Oh, you sure CAN!"
And after the sexual tension subside,
I knew I was roped into that yogurt class
just like some goddamn Laverne & Shirley episode.
Well here my comclusion...
Y'all, yoga is borin' as fuck.
And it hurt.
Fuck that whateverness...
Y'all that is the most borin' ass sport
they ever done made.
And that includes ice fishin' and curlin'.
I'm gonna have to seriously reconside
my thoughts on suicide
if this idgitness
ever make it to an Olympic sport.
I mean, imagine that shit.
Winnin' the gold medal
for the best doggy-style.
Shit, I ought to go out for that one!
You know what?
Tank like it when I get up
all on my knees and then he's comes in the-
Y'all, yogurt is not alcohol-friendly.
Plus, this world is highly
way too sexualized, don't you think?
Y'all they could make that Yogur more excitin'
with some like bank robber lasers and shit!
Or combine it with some of that
Let's some of y'all,
let's go to a yoga convention
and pretend like we're there to all stretchy-strech,
and in true flash mob fashion...
We zumba the FUCK
out of them damn yoga hippies!
Suckerpunch them freakazoids like SKMASH!
You just got zumba-ed the FUCK up!
Shit that's more like it!
And that's How I Seize It.
Shit, I need a cigarette after that.
That's a hard workout!