The Olympic Ticket Scalper with Sir Patrick Stewart, Ryan Lochte, Simon Pegg & Maisie Williams

Actor

Patrick Stewart

Actor

Ryan Lochte

Actor

Simon Pegg

Actor

Maisie Williams

Writer/Director/Editor

NickCorirossi

Writer/Director/Editor

Charles Ingram

Producer

Betsy Koch

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

DP/Editor/Sound

Brian Lane

Additional Credits [+]

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WEBVTT 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:12.000 [Music Playing] 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:32.000 <v Patrick Stewart> There is a saying among the scalpers that goes 'if there's a tick-y, take your pick-y. If there's a tourist, coin will make a gingaly pingaly sound in your coffer most assure-ist.' The name's Ticket-Tooth Philip, and I'm the best ticket touter there is. 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:40.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Yeah. The Olympic Games has so many tickets, it's a vulnerable Olympic Games of touting! 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.000 [Music Playing] 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:48.000 <v Patrick Stewart> But this year, I've got a plan that'll put me in the scalping history books. 00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:49.000 [Bell Dings] 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:53.000 <v Patrick Stewart> But, more of that and on. Let me show you my method. 00:00:54.000 --> 00:01:04.000 <v Patrick Stewart> A fair trade is throwing a ticketyboo. I fu**ing hate fair trades. Turned into first round badminton tickys into four final round swimming tickeys is called flipping the birdie. 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:24.000 <v Patrick Stewart> When you persuade a tourist that four opening tickets are the same as two closers, that's called a Kyra Sedgewick. When you put on an axe and you buddy up to some Yank, "This Mitt Romney guys! Jeez, what a lame-o, huh?!" is called a Yankee Pankee. "That'll be seven hundred quid, boys." 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:31.000 <v Patrick Stewart> When you send your helly to beat up a major ticket owner with a pallywhacker, that's called a murdering them. What is this, there's this guy?! 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:34.000 <v Maisie Williams> Fish is in the fire, captain! 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:36.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Scalping history books I tell ya! 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:37.000 [Bell Dings] 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:43.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Hey! As I live and breathe, Ryan Lochte! 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:45.000 <v Maisie Williams> All right, love. Are you ready for your big event tonight? 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:46.000 <v Ryan Lochte> Been waiting for this my whole life. 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:51.000 <v Patrick Stewart> You, you, wouldn't happen to have that shiny, shiny mouth grill thing on you? 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:52.000 <v Ryan Lochte> Yes, I do. 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:53.000 [Cash Register Noises] 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:54.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Oh. 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:58.000 <v Maisie Williams> Oh, but sir. What's this? 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:09.000 <v Ryan Lochte> Oh, that's my special document I need to get into my event tonight. Well, if someone else had that, they'd be in the Olympics instead of me. I guess I gotta keep my eye on that little guy. 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.000 <v Ryan Lochte> Um, why do you ask? 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:16.000 [ Gun Clip Clicks] 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:22.000 [Music Playing] 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:23.000 [Gun Fires] [Trash Cans Bang] 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:27.000 [v Simon Pegg> Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey! What's, what's going on here?! 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:35.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Oh. Strike me. Mister Pegg, can I just say, I think that you were fu**ing marvelous in Star Wars! Marvelous! 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.000 <v Simon Pegg> Wait a minute. You look very familiar to me. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:39.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Uh... 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:49.000 <v Simon Pegg> You're not highly successful stage and screen actor Sir Patrick Stewart? A knight, for God's sake, shamelessly using his theatrical talent to get in on the Olympic ticket touting game, are ya? 00:02:50.000 --> 00:02:51.000 <v Patrick Stewart> No. 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:57.000 <v Simon Pegg> Okay, great. I need to get into the four hundred men's swimming relay for a steal. 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:02.000 <v Patrick Stewart> Do I have the ticket for you! By the way, you might need these. 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:18.000 <v Olympics Announcer> Welcome back to the men's swimming finals. Kaio Almeida, frontrunner for the gold as Pawel suits up. Actor Simon Pegg has somehow infiltrated this event. Dinko Jukic, a crowd favorite again. No idea how Simon Pegg has gotten here. And they're off! 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:19.000 [Water Splashes] 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:25.000 [Music Playing]