Starring - Patrick Stewart, Simon Pegg, Maisie Williams and Ryan Lotche Also starring - Ben Doherty, Ashley Lambert, Venessa Howell, and Richard Clinch Written/Directed/Edited by - Nick Corirossi and Charles Ingram Produced by - Betsy Koch DP/AC/Asst Editor/Sound - Brian Lane Hair/MU - Nicola Schuller Hair/MU asst - Romaine Bowman Wardrobe - Tala Bakhtar Art - Martin Vallejo, Candy Lopez Wardrobe asst - Gina Geoghegan Location Manager - Tom Hamilton Driver - Terry Jones Security - Chas Mitchell PA - Seema Nabavi, Ashley Lambert Special Thanks to: Dave Lambert, Joshua Buckingham, Mark Cox, Gabriel Radcliff, Amy Ellery, and Chris Kanarick
Patrick Stewart: There is a saying among the scalpers that goes 'if there's a tick-y, take your pick-y. If there's a tourist, coin will make a gingaly pingaly sound in your coffer most assure-ist.' The name's Ticket-Tooth Philip, and I'm the best ticket touter there is.
Patrick Stewart: Yeah. The Olympic Games has so many tickets, it's a vulnerable Olympic Games of touting!
Patrick Stewart: But this year, I've got a plan that'll put me in the scalping history books.
Patrick Stewart: But, more of that and on. Let me show you my method.
Patrick Stewart: A fair trade is throwing a ticketyboo. I fu**ing hate fair trades. Turned into first round badminton tickys into four final round swimming tickeys is called flipping the birdie.
Patrick Stewart: When you persuade a tourist that four opening tickets are the same as two closers, that's called a Kyra Sedgewick. When you put on an axe and you buddy up to some Yank, "This Mitt Romney guys! Jeez, what a lame-o, huh?!" is called a Yankee Pankee. "That'll be seven hundred quid, boys."
Patrick Stewart: When you send your helly to beat up a major ticket owner with a pallywhacker, that's called a murdering them. What is this, there's this guy?!
Maisie Williams: Fish is in the fire, captain!
Patrick Stewart: Scalping history books I tell ya!
Patrick Stewart: Hey! As I live and breathe, Ryan Lochte!
Maisie Williams: All right, love. Are you ready for your big event tonight?
Ryan Lochte: Been waiting for this my whole life.
Patrick Stewart: You, you, wouldn't happen to have that shiny, shiny mouth grill thing on you?
Ryan Lochte: Yes, I do.
[Cash Register Noises]
Patrick Stewart: Oh.
Maisie Williams: Oh, but sir. What's this?
Ryan Lochte: Oh, that's my special document I need to get into my event tonight. Well, if someone else had that, they'd be in the Olympics instead of me. I guess I gotta keep my eye on that little guy.
Ryan Lochte: Um, why do you ask?
[ Gun Clip Clicks]
[Gun Fires] [Trash Cans Bang]
[v Simon Pegg: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey! What's, what's going on here?!
Patrick Stewart: Oh. Strike me. Mister Pegg, can I just say, I think that you were fu**ing marvelous in Star Wars! Marvelous!
Simon Pegg: Wait a minute. You look very familiar to me.
Patrick Stewart: Uh...
Simon Pegg: You're not highly successful stage and screen actor Sir Patrick Stewart? A knight, for God's sake, shamelessly using his theatrical talent to get in on the Olympic ticket touting game, are ya?
Patrick Stewart: No.
Simon Pegg: Okay, great. I need to get into the four hundred men's swimming relay for a steal.
Patrick Stewart: Do I have the ticket for you! By the way, you might need these.
Olympics Announcer: Welcome back to the men's swimming finals. Kaio Almeida, frontrunner for the gold as Pawel suits up. Actor Simon Pegg has somehow infiltrated this event. Dinko Jukic, a crowd favorite again. No idea how Simon Pegg has gotten here. And they're off!