Starring - Patrick Stewart, Simon Pegg, Maisie Williams and Ryan Lotche Also starring - Ben Doherty, Ashley Lambert, Venessa Howell, and Richard Clinch Written/Directed/Edited by - Nick Corirossi and Charles Ingram Produced by - Betsy Koch DP/AC/Asst Editor/Sound - Brian Lane Hair/MU - Nicola Schuller Hair/MU asst - Romaine Bowman Wardrobe - Tala Bakhtar Art - Martin Vallejo, Candy Lopez Wardrobe asst - Gina Geoghegan Location Manager - Tom Hamilton Driver - Terry Jones Security - Chas Mitchell PA - Seema Nabavi, Ashley Lambert Special Thanks to: Dave Lambert, Joshua Buckingham, Mark Cox, Gabriel Radcliff, Amy Ellery, and Chris Kanarick
Patrick Stewart: There is a saying among the scalpers
Patrick Stewart: that goes 'if there's a
tick-y, take your pick-y.
Patrick Stewart: If there's a tourist, coin
will make a gingaly pingaly
Patrick Stewart: sound in your coffer
Patrick Stewart: The name's Ticket-Tooth
Philip, and I'm the best
Patrick Stewart: ticket touter
Patrick Stewart: Yeah. The Olympic Games has
so many tickets, it's a
Patrick Stewart: vulnerable Olympic
Games of touting!
Patrick Stewart: But this year, I've got a
plan that'll put me in the
Patrick Stewart: scalping history
Patrick Stewart: But, more of that and on.
Let me show you my method.
Patrick Stewart: A fair trade is throwing a ticketyboo.
Patrick Stewart: I fucking hate fair trades.
Turned into first round
Patrick Stewart: badminton tickys into four
final round swimming tickeys
Patrick Stewart: is called flipping
Patrick Stewart: When you persuade a tourist
that four opening tickets
Patrick Stewart: are the same as two closers,
that's called a Kyra Sedgewick.
Patrick Stewart: When you put on an axe and
you buddy up to some Yank,
Patrick Stewart: "This Mitt Romney guys!
Jeez, what a lame-o, huh?!"
Patrick Stewart: is called a Yankee Pankee.
"That'll be seven hundred
Patrick Stewart: quid, boys."
Patrick Stewart: When you send your helly to
beat up a major ticket owner
Patrick Stewart: with a pallywhacker, that's
called a murdering them.
Patrick Stewart: What is this, there's
Maisie Williams: Fish is in the
Patrick Stewart: Scalping history books
I tell ya!
Patrick Stewart: Hey! As I live and
breathe, Ryan Lochte!
Maisie Williams: All right, love.
Maisie Williams: Are you ready for your big
Ryan Lochte: Been waiting for this
my whole life.
Patrick Stewart: You, you, wouldn't happen to
have that shiny, shiny mouth
Patrick Stewart: grill thing
Ryan Lochte: Yes, I do.
[Cash Register Noises]
Patrick Stewart: Oh.
Maisie Williams: Oh, but sir.
Ryan Lochte: Oh, that's my special
document I need to get into
Ryan Lochte: my event tonight. Well, if
someone else had that,
Ryan Lochte: they'd be in the Olympics
instead of me.
Ryan Lochte: I guess I gotta keep my eye
on that little guy.
Ryan Lochte: Um, why do
[Trash Cans Bang]
[v Simon Pegg: Hey! Whoa! Whoa!
Hey! Whoa! Hey!
Simon Pegg: What's, what's going
Patrick Stewart: Oh. Strike me. Mister Pegg,
can I just say, I think that
Patrick Stewart: you were fucking marvelous
in Star Wars! Marvelous!
Simon Pegg: Wait a minute. You look very
familiar to me.
Patrick Stewart: Uh...
Simon Pegg: You're not highly successful
stage and screen actor Sir
Simon Pegg: Patrick Stewart? A knight,
for God's sake, shamelessly
Simon Pegg: using his theatrical talent
to get in on the Olympic
Simon Pegg: ticket touting game,
Patrick Stewart: No.
Simon Pegg: Okay, great. I need to get
into the four hundred men's
Simon Pegg: swimming relay
for a steal.
Patrick Stewart: Do I have the ticket
Patrick Stewart: By the way, you might
Olympics Announcer: Welcome back to the men's
Olympics Announcer: Kaio Almeida, frontrunner
for the gold as Pawel suits up.
Olympics Announcer: Actor Simon Pegg has somehow
infiltrated this event.
Olympics Announcer: Dinko Jukic, a crowd
Olympics Announcer: No idea how Simon Pegg
has gotten here.
Olympics Announcer: And they're off!