Aziz Ansari: Hi. I'm Aziz Ansari. Please hire me to star in your films. I have a hiatus from my television show Parks and Recreation, and I'm currently totally available. You may have seen me in the hit film The Social Network. I played Andrew Garfield's Asian girlfriend. CGI.
Aziz Ansari: Why should you hire me? Because I cover every demographic. I'm multicultural. Indian, Italian, German, Pakistani, Sri Lankan, Asian, Caucasian, blind Asian person, blind African-American person, blind Indian person, blind person from Afghanistan, tan white guy, light skin black guy, tan white girl, light-skinned white girl with a beard.
Aziz Ansari: We got a lot of big producers in the building tonight, the Cohen Brothers are here. Uh, I'm a huge fan of The Matrix, and I understand your lifestyle and I accept it. One of you is a woman, I'm cool with that. I'm a big fan of your work. I'm gonna say this right now, it's gonna be controversial, Matrix Revolutions, my favorite of the trilogy.
Aziz Ansari: One thing I noticed about these films you've nominated, is there are no African-Americans in any of them. Social Network, there could have been a black guy checking his Facebook. Not even in a montage? James Franco cuts his arm off in 127 hours, his arm doesn't even turn black! Black Swan? There's no black people!
Aziz Ansari: What? Usher couldn't have been one of those ballerinas? Have you ever seen him dance? It's beautiful.
Aziz Ansari: Kids Are Alright? Kids are all white. Denzel Washington. Where were you this year, Denzel? Huh?! Oh, I'm gonna do a movie where this train's on the tracks and it's about to hit a school bus. No it's not! The school bus is gonna drive off the tracks, it'll be fine!
Aziz Ansari: Last year, oh, what about The Taking of Pelham 123? It's on a subway. Why are you so obsessed with trains, man?! Subway trains in Taking Pelham, it's, uh, the regular trains in Unstoppable, and in Training Day, you like trains! You're a grown man! Stop playing with trains!
Aziz Ansari: Oh, wait. There was a beautiful African-American goddess in The Kids Are Alright. That waitress? That Mark Ruffalo was hooking up with? Oh my God! OH! OH! Woo! Woo! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Ooh! It's ahh...So hot! Why isn't she nominated?! For every award? Why was she not nominated for best movie?! So hot! Oh! So hot!
Aziz Ansari: So, in conclusion, my name is Aziz Ansari and I am on hiatus until mid-July, August. And, if the right role comes along I could probably go light the first few episodes.