How I Seize It #51: "Personal Hygiene"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
(dog whines)
Buffy, shut the fuck up! She ruined my intro.
Hey!
Y'all knows who this is,
but in case you plannin' on gettin'
as drunk as I’m likely ta get tonite...
This here's Loretta Jenkins and I'm gonna bring a little
How I Seize It into your life tonight.
What the fuck?
Lord God.
Hey, I ain't no cutter y'all. I don't know.
I done banged up on something somewheres.
Hold up.
I consider myself a generally positive person,
not real over-critical of shit lessen they sumthin' bout you
just piss me off to no end,
and tonight that burr in my saddle is folks
and they nasty-ass groomin' habits.
Yeah, yeah, y'all can just come on with all your bullshits
about how this America and we got our own personal freedoms and shit,
but it is time to get criminal these people
with these poor, personal hygiene habits.
Slap a nasty tax on their ass!
I mean, I don’t see what’s so confusin' or time consumin'
about takin' a shower, combin' your hair,
brushin' your teeth, wipin' your ass
or usin' some deodorant that ain’t a piece of rock or somethin.'
Does y’all?
And speakin' of ass-wipin',
I can't stands folks who likes to announce
when they goin' to the bathroom.
"I got to tee-tee or wee-wee or tinkle
or rang out my sponge."
Ain't nobody got to know your business like that!
And miraculously, none of these folks ain't never gotta do nothin' but #1.
Ever notice that?
Yeah, like you gonna come up in my trailer and fess up
to droppin' your kids off in my pool!
Nasty shitters...
Just excuse yourself with an air of mystery and go do your business.
Cause unless your shit smell like Coors Lite and burnt hair,
then I'm gonna know after about ten seconds
which one you done in my bathroom.
People invite you over for dinner, not to shit in their house.
And speakin' of holdin' onto your dignity...
When did it get to be okay for womens to just pull they titty
out when it ain't even the Mardi Gras holiday?!?!
Goddamn!
And let me stop you right there
cause I don't give two shits you tryin' to feed your squallin' youngin.
I mean it just ain't sanitary.
It's gamblin' with public safety-  I mean- Let's just-  
Pretend like...
Okay...
Okay, okay, okay, alright...
Just pretend for a minute that I eats solid food...
Let's just say we're at a restaurant
And you over there and your baby is a-suckin',
And then it spits up, which would retrospectively make me
projectile vomit across the room.
And there's some poor old fellow over there on some cripple sticks.
He slip and fall, and...and...and it's like-
Crack his pelvis bone.
Then he had to go to the hospital.
He didn't have no insurance.
And then when he went home,
his dog had died and his wife had left him.
Who you think the insurance is gonna come after?
It ain't you!
I ain't havin' that shit on my conscience.
Hell, I'm barely conscience half the time...
And I also declare, I don't care what's your genital.
You got to be force to sit down on the toilet.
It don't matter what's comin' out.
Unless you like...got to puke, too. Or...
Sometimes you got to sit on the toilet and puke in a can.
I puked in my bra once.
I didn't have no trash can, so I was just like-
(vomit noise)
because I was sittin' down shittin'... You get it-
I'm sure you got the visual...
Did y'all know that Japanesians poop standin' up?
I didn't have no idear!
The just drop a turd in a hole in the ground.
I don't know, I don't do that no more.
We had this Irish foreign exchange student we hosted back in high school...
I called her 'Tater.'
That nasty bitch wouldn't ever take her cooter hairs out of the bathtub drain.
I mean if you was lucky it might make it up to the lip of the tub.
I mean I reckon 'Her Highness' thought that the Magic Pube Fairy
come and vanished her pube hairs out of the tub every night!
But that silly Magic Pube Fairy,
she just seem to forget her wand most of the time
and she just had to pick that pube hair out
with Tater's toothbrush most times.
You know, just whatever was handy...
And speakin' of your carpets gals,
here a little datin' advice curtsy your gal Lo.
Your man, if he insists that you shave your cooter ball-headed,
don’t be surprise if he come up arrested for diddlin' the neighborhood kids
cause that is a clear sign he into pre-pube pussy.
Don't say how I know, but that's my business.
And you mens? God...
Fellers, if your folks didn't trim the top of your tree
when you come sprung out the womb...
Do us ladies a favor and wash up under the hood every now and then!
I mean, come on. That is just-
That is just proper dick etiquitte.
That's How I Seize It.