How I Seize It #43: "Gender Identity"

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BOTH: Hey!
LORETTA: I’m Loretta Jenkins and this week's
How I Seize It I got me a really special guest
to help drive my point home.
Ya’ll, I want y'all to all meet my brand new
best friend gal pal drankin' buddy, Summer.
SAMOA: It’s Samoa.
You know, like the girl scout cookie.
(laughs)
LORETTA: Oh shit, gal. You so funny.
Don’t you steal my thunder bein' sexy
or I will jeck you in the neck.
Anyways, Samoa here. She a-
She one of them..
Now, I think I can go on record here now
and say that she one of you know...
Them folks...
She a hooker!
She here to tell us how we can all be more
political correct when we talkin’
about the whore community.
SAMOA: I prefer the term prostitute.
LORETTA: Well, I don't really give a fuck
cause it ain’t your show.
SAMOA: Or lady of the evening.
LORETTA: Oh fuck. I was goin' to the liquor store
at 9 o’clock in the mornin'
when I seen you blowin’ the mayor.
Don’t gimme that lady of the evenin' bullshits.
SAMOA: Well, it was evening somewhere.
(screams)
LORETTA: Look, syphilis might make you deaf,
I don't rightly know cause I ain't never let ten dudes
fuck me within a 24 hour period
except for that one time in middle school,
but there is only room for one sexy bitch on HISI
and it ain't you!
SAMOA: Ow! Okay!
But you didn't ask me to come here
and talk about my job.
LORETTA: Well, what the fuck you here for?
SAMOA: You invited to come here to talk
about gender identity!
LORETTA: What the fuck is that?
SAMOA: A transgendered or transperson is someone
whose gender doesn't match their ‘birth-genitalia,’
either before or after an SRS.
LORETTA: Y'all gots Sars?
SAMOA: No!
That stands for Sexual Reassignment Surgery.
You know, choppin' down the tree
and splittin' the stump?
That is ‘transitioning.’
LORETTA: Now why would you want to throw way
a perfect good penis?
Ooooh! I know.
It's like organ donation where you like give them
to lesbians that wanna be dudes?
SAMOA: Yeah. There’s a fundraiser every year.
LORETTA: Oh I get it, so you a tranny!
SAMOA: The ‘T word,’ is an offensive,
derogatory term to trans people.
LORETTA: Oh, kinda like how you can’t say retarded no more?
SAMOA: Exactly.
LORETTA: Yeah, that’s retarded.
Course you did just remind me
to go get my transmission fixed, so thanky for that,
but you know really I need to ask you some questions.
Um, what is a transvestite?
SAMOA: That’s when a heterosexual man who puts on
women’s underwear to get his rocks off.
LORETTA: Alright, so what’s a cross dresser?
SAMOA: That’s when somebody who wears clothing
of the opposite gender as a lifestyle.
LORETTA: Oh, one of them...
SAMOA: Second hand smoke kills.
LORETTA: Hopefully you.
Oh so, you mean, like...like a drag queen?
SAMOA: A drag queen is a queer boy
that puts on women's clothing because he believes
he is a Christmas ornament.
LORETTA: What in the fuck are you talkin’ about?
SAMOA: Listen, I’m going to tell you like my Momma told me.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck,
talks like a duck, and thinks like a duck.
It’s a goddamn mother fuckin' duck.
LORETTA: You a duck?
SAMOA: Only on Tuesdays.
LORETTA: I'm sorry.
I dranks and get drunk alot and I forget shit.
Anyways... Okay, alright.
Hey everybody!
Welcome Samoa who is gonna talk to us today
about why she a duck.
LORETTA: Ewww! Ewww! No, I hates Vienna Sausages.
SAMOA: Well they're not for you.
They’re for Tweeky.
LORETTA: Who's that?
SAMOA: This is my dog, Tweeky.
LORETTA: I think your dog got Parkinson's.
SAMOA: She got ahold of one of my crack rocks
the other day and she's been like this ever since.
I tried to give her a Valium and a Xanax
but that just seem to make it worse.
LORETTA: They oughta be a law against
tranny hookers havin' a dog.
SAMOA: I’m gonna go. You’re hostile.
LORETTA: Hey! You still got your Frank-N-Beans?
SAMOA: Why you want me ta fuck you?
LORETTA: Ca- Can you? I mean, is that possible?
It works?
SAMOA: Yeah, for fifty bucks.
LORETTA: I got a Valium and a couple of Coors Lights.
SAMOA: Here. I’ll let you touch it.
LORETTA: Hey! You give me five minutes
and I’ll be right back to let you know everything
you ever wanted to know about gender identity,
once I identify this bitch's gendricles.
And that’s How I Seize It.