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Late one night
Jen Kirkman drank a bottle and a half of wine
And then discussed an historical event…
Derek Waters presents
Drunk History
The shot cuts to Jen Kirkman sitting in living room.
Jen Kirkman: Today, we are going to talk about Oney Judge.
The shot cuts to a painting of Oney Judge.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): She was a slave in the 1700’s. So she lived with the Washington’s.
The shot cuts to Danny McBride, Tymberlee Hill, and Marianna Palka.
Danny McBride and Marianna Palka are sitting at a table and Tymberlee
Hill is serving them food.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Mrs. Washington loved her. She was like, oh my god, you’re my totally like fucking favorite.
Shot cuts to Danny McBride, Marianna Palka, and Tymberlee Hill inside.
Danny McBride and Marianna Palka are sitting at a dinner table and
Tymberlee Hill is serving them dinner.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): They go, oh Oney, guess what? We’ve got a
great thing for you. We’re going to give you as a gift to Martha
Washing…ton’s daughter. So she’s like (hiccup), OK. So she serves the
Washington’s their last dinner.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman sitting in a living room.
Jen Kirkman: They don’t know it’s their last dinner. She’s just serving
them dinner. OK, they eat. They go to sleep or whatever.
The shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill peeking around a doorway and then to map of North America.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): She sneaks off into the night. She sails from Pennsylvania to Portsmouth, New Hampshire. OK.
Shot cuts to Danny McBride waking up.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Washington wakes up. She’s missing. They don’t
understand. I’m sure they’re pissed. I’m sure they’re in denial. I’m
sure in their psycho heads they’re like (hiccup) what the fuck? We gave
this girl the best life we could. What the fuck?
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman sitting in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: I’m not making this up, but this is how much history
repeats itself. You know, fucking pay attention. They blamed the
fucking French. George Washington goes…
Shot cuts to Danny McBride sitting in an office.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): …she didn’t escape! Oney was seduced by a…by a Frenchman and convinced to move to New Hampshire.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: Hang on. I can’t stop with the hiccups.
Male voice off camera: That’s fine.
Jen Kirkman: This is separate than the interview. Because I want to
honor her and I’m hiccupping during the…(hiccup). Ok, so here’s
(hiccup)…Oh my god.
Shot cuts to Danny McBride and Jason Ritter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): So Washington says, my slave was seduced by a
Frenchman and I need her back. So the head of customs finds Oney Judge.
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill and Jason Ritter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): He finds her. Oh there you are. Hey Oney. So
you were seduced by a Frenchman. Well, we got your back. We’ll get you
back to the Washington’s in Philly. She’s like, that never happened. I
was not seduced…seduced by a Frenchman.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman sitting in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: And (laughs), I’m sorry. I’m hiccupping.
Shot cuts back to Danny McBride and Jason Ritter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): The customs guy goes to Washington. I caught
Oney. She was not seduced by a Frenchman. She said, I have tasted a
truth and a freedom that is so real that, you know, I don’t know all of
the whole words, but I’ve tasted a truth and a freedom blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah…
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill and Jason Ritter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): …that you can’t give to me. I’m not coming back.
Shot cuts back to Danny McBride and Jason Ritter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Oh my God, Washington! Humiliated and up in arms I can imagine. So now, by this time, Oney…
Shot cuts back to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: …is totally freaked. (long pause and then a hiccup) That
is separate than this story. Right? Ok. Oney is totally freaked. 1793.
(another long pause) She’s married by now, by the way. Had kids.
Shot cuts to Danny McBride in an office.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): And Washington is like, hey, I’m gonna make
the Fugitive Slave Act. Meaning, if any of my slaves got a clue,
they’re kids belong to me. If I can go find them, their kids are mine.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman sitting in her living room.
Ken Kirkman: Can you fucking imagine that?
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill sitting at a desk and writing.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): She, she writes to the President cause she has his address cause she used to live there.
Shot cuts to Danny McBride reading a letter.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Dear President Bush…
Danny McBride looks into the camera and the shot cuts to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: (laughs) President Washington. But here’s the thing
it’s…I’m not so fucked up for thinking that it’s Bush. I’m not so
fucked up! It’s the same shit.
Shot cuts back to Danny McBride reading the letter with Tymberlee Hill’s face superimposed to the right side of the screen.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Dear Mr. Washington, I understand that because
I’m a fugitive, my kids are fugitive slaves. (hiccup) Because I love my
kids so much, I will be your slave again. Just leave my fucking kids
alone. (hiccup) Leave my kids alone. I will come back you, as a slave.
On the condition that when you and your goddamn wife die, you will let
me and my kids be free.
Shot cuts back to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: In Washington’s fucked up, wooden teeth, white hair, powdered wig, goddamn fucking male chauvinist world…
Shot cuts back to Danny McBride in a library-office.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): This fucking ass is like (hiccup) no.
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill reading a letter with Danny McBride’s face superimposed on the left side of the screen.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): Dear Oney, that wouldn’t be appropriate that
wouldn’t be the law, or whatever his fake law was. So she lived in
exile.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: She lived in the woods. She had three kids.
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill standing in a forest.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): They didn’t have food. They didn’t have shelter, but in 1848, a month before her death…
Shot cuts to Tymberlee Hill and Derek Waters sitting in the woods.
Jen Kirkman (voiceover): …one of the um, newspapers interviewed her and
said, do you regret what you did? And she said I have no regrets,
because my freedom does not come from the government. My freedom comes
from God and I’ve been free for thirty years.
Shot cuts to Jen Kirkman in her living room.
Jen Kirkman: Beautiful. Beautiful! Fucking, all these people. George
Washington. I didn’t chop down a cherry tree or I have wooden teeth and
I cannot tell a lie. Oh, you can tell a lie and you fucking did. You
dumb fuck.
The end credits roll.
Directed by Jeremy Konner
Danny McBride
Tymberlee Hill
Jason Ritter
Marianna Palka
Derek Waters
And Jen Kirkman
Jen Kirkman (sitting on couch): You guys, I’m really embarrassed that I
was like, see ya and then I walked in all puking into a plate.
Created by Derek Waters
Patience is a virtue...
111 comments
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/eaaa2478e2/bathroom-emergency
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