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Irish-Jewish-Texan Erin Gibson and Syrian-German-Texan Bryan Safi just spent a week... more »
Published March 18, 2014 42k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi
716 Funny Votes
224 Die Votes
42,317 Views
Published March 18, 2014

(ERIN): THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.
(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,
(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,
(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,
(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
ERIN, I BARELY SURVIVED.
OH, ST. PATRICK'S DAY?
- THE EARTHQUAKE.
- OH.
- AND IT WAS ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
- YEAH.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHAT DID YOU--
I PUT MY KUMONO ON.
THAT'S ALL I COULD DO.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL YOU COULD DO
IS JUST WRAP YOURSELF UP.
I WAS IN ASLEEP IN BED, LIKE MANY
PEOPLE WERE.
LIKE AN ANGEL.
YES, I WAS SLEEPING LIKE THIS,
AND THEN I WOULD SLEEP LIKE THIS.
AND THEN SOMETIMES
I WOULD SLEEP LIKE...
THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED, AND
THINGS WERE SHAKING, AND I
THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I'M TOO TIRED
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."
AND I THOUGHT THAT SHOULD BE ON
MY HEADSTONE WHEN I DIE.
OH, BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU DIE,
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO TIRED TO DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
YOU HAVE CANCER.
- EH, I'M EXHAUSTED.
- I'M EXHAUSTED I CAN'T TAKE IT--
- CAN'T DO IT.
- I'M EXHAUSTED.
I THOUGHT A CAR HAD RUN INTO THE HOUSE.
I HONESTLY THOUGHT WE HAD A
BURGLAR.
ERIN, WE GOT BACK FROM TEXAS,
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
WE DID IT. WE WERE IN TEXAS FOR
UNO RECADO, UNA SEMANA.
- UNA SEMANA
- THIS IS WHAT WE DID.
WE WERE LIKE, WE GOT THERE, AND
WE WERE LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO
- EAT BAD FOOD.
- YEAH.
I'M NOT GOING
TO SMOKE CIGARETTES.
I DIDN'T SAY THE 2ND ONE. YOU'RE
THE ONE WHO HAS--
WHEN I WALKED INTO THAT HOTEL
ROOM THE FIRST THING I SAW
IN THAT TRASH CAN WAS WHOLE
CIGARETTES THAT HADN'T BEEN
SMOKED, CRUMPLED UP, AND BROKEN
OFF IN A TRASH CAN. I THOUGHT--
- YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY I WAS?
- OH GOD, SO THIS IS WHAT I'M
WALKING INTO.
THIS IS WHAT I GET
TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW.
SO IN THE MIDDLE OF HER OWN INTERVENTION.
ABSOLUTELY.
- YEAH. WE DID SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST
- WE DID.
- WE DID HOUSTON.
- AND THEN WE DID DALLAS.
DALLAS.
(LAUGHING) DEBBIE DOES DALLAS.
- I WISH WE WERE NAMED DEBBIE.
- YEAH ME TO.
WELL WE SHOULD MENTION THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING WE DID IN TEXAS.
WAS IN COURSE-A-CANA TEXAS.
- SAY IT RIGHT.
- OF COURSE YA'CANA.
- THERE YOU GO.
- OKAY.
THERE'S A SMALL TOWN BETWEEN AUSTIN
AND DALLAS, AND, NO EXCUSE ME--
- WELL CLOSER TO DALLAS.
- FINE, I FUCKED IT ALL UP.
BUT THERE'S A FAMOUS BAKERY THERE
SO WE WENT OBVIOUSLY, AND
WE WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW, CAN WE
GET WHATEVER.
WELL NO, FIRST WE WALKED IN, AND
THERE WAS A MESSAGE BOARD,
A SANDWICH BOARD OR WHATEVER--
YES, THERE WAS A MESSAGE BOARD.
IT SAID, SPECIAL SANDWICH. HAM
SANDWICH. SOUP OF THE DAY.
MACARONI AND CHEESE
- RIGHT.
- SO WE WERE BOTH LIKE
OH THAT'S A MESS UP.
YEAH, THEY JUST HAVE MACARONI AND
CHEESE, AND THEY JUST PUT,
INSERT HERE, AND JUST PUT
ANYTHING IN THERE.
- AND WE LAUGHED.
- WE LAUGHED SO HARD.
TWO CITY PEOPLE JUST LAUGHING.
LAUGHING SO HARD WE WERE CRYING.
CRYING SO HARD WE WERE VOMITING,
VOMITING SO HARD WE LOST OUR WILL TO LIVE.
- YEAH.
- ABSOLUTELY.
WE ORDER OUR SAMMIES.
SOAKED IN THROW UP.
I GO, "WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?"
MAC AND CHEESE.
AND THEN, I SAID, "HOW IS THAT A SOUP?"
- BECAUSE IT'S MACARONI NOODLES.
- UH-HUH.
WITH THE CHEESE SAUCE.
YES, SO IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE.
AND THEN WE SAID, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND HOW IT'S A SOUP.
AND SHE GOES, "WELL IT'S GOT PEAS
AND CARROTS IN IT.
YEAH.
SO ESSENTIALLY IF YOU PUT PEAS AND
CARROTS IN A MEATLOAF, IN COURSE-
A-CANA TEXAS YOU CAN CALL IT A SOUP.
IF YOU PUT IT IN A CHERRY PIE,
IT'S A SOUP.
IT'S A SOUP. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT WE WERE BOTH SO REVOLTED,
AND THEN LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, AND
WERE LIKE TWO PLEASE.
- WE ORDERED IT.
- WE ORDERED IT. STRAIGHT UP.
AND I ATE IT, AND IT WAS LIKE MACARONI
AND CHEESE WITH CARROTS AND PEAS.
- AH MAN. IT WAS THE CHEWIEST SOUP.
- (ERIN): IT WAS NOTHING LIKE
SOUP ABOUT IT.
(BRYAN): NOTHING SOUP LIKE ABOUT IT.
THEN WE GOT CHERRY ICEBOX
COOKIES, WHICH I FEEL LIKE IS
THE NUMBER ONE SOUTHERN THING TO EAT.
OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL.
HAD TWO MACARONI AND CHEESE SOUPS,
AND ONE CHERRY ICEBOX COOKIE.
(TOGETHER): THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT WE GOT FOR FREE, BECAUSE THEY
WERE BASICALLY LIKE,
"YOU GUYS HAVE SPENT ABOUT A 100 THOUSAND
DOLLARS HERE ON FOOD."
YOU BROUGHT A SANDWICH, AND A SOUP.
SHE ALSO GAVE US OUR SOUPS FOR FREE.
WELL I DID MY EPSON, BECAUSE I HAD TO AFTER THE--
- EPSON SALT?
- YEAH.
WHY? THAT'S DEHYDRATING.
NO, FOR YOUR SKIN IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING IN THE WORLD.
- EPSON SALT?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW HOW THE OCEAN'S SO GOOD FOR
YOUR SKIN?
NO.
MEDITERRANEAN WOMAN HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS
THE POWERS OF THE OCEAN.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLACE ON
THE WEST COAST THAT IS OCEAN SIDE
AND IT'S NIGHT TIME, AND THERE IS
NO STARS OUT, THERE'S NO LIGHTS,
AND YOU'RE WALKING ON THE BEACH,
AND ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS THE OCEAN,
AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT AT ANY MOMENT GODZILLA'S GOING TO
COME OUT AND JUST GRAB YOU?
YES.
IT'S THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING I'VE
EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.
YES, I HAVE. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A
SEX ON THE BEACH, AND I'M
NOT TALKING ABOUT THE COCKTAIL
THAT I MAKE MYSELF EVERY NIGHT.
NO. CUZ YOU GET SAND IN MY VAGINA.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
AND THEN, 4 WEEKS LATER YOU GET A
TAMPAX PEARL.
OH MY GOD.
THAT'S MY NUMBER ONE RE-TWEETED TWEET.
THAT ACTUALLY WASN'T AN ORIGINAL
THOUGHT JUST NOW.
NO, I HAD IT ORIGINALLY A COUPLE
OF MONTHS AGO.
RIGHT, BUT YOU WERE LIKE JUST LIKE TRYING OUT--
TRYING IT OUT ON YOU.
YEAH.
APPARENTLY IT DOESN'T WORK AS GOOD IN PERSON.
YOU MADE A FACE LIKE I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU MAKE BEFORE.
(GIGGLES)
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU'RE HOLE FACE WENT IN--
WHY DO THEY CALL IT A TAMPAX PEARL,
BECAUSE IT'S LITTLE LIKE THIS?
UH, I THINK BECAUSE
THEY MAKE THE PLASTIC SHINY.
THAT'S THE REASON?
MM-HMM. TAMPAX PEARL--
I THOUGHT IT MEANT THAT IT WAS MUCH
SMALLER. TALK ABOUT PEAS AND CARROTS
AND IT WAS THE SIZE OF, YOU KNOW
LIKE A LITTLE PEARL.
NO, BUT THEY MAKE--
OR IT GOES IN A PEARL, AND COMES
OUT A GRAPEFRUIT.
ALSO, THERE'S A
PEARL NECKLACE ON THE PACKAGE.
- OH. WELL SO NOW IT MAKES SENSE.
- CLASS.
(BRYAN): SO TAMPAX PEARLS ARE A
CUT ABOVE, BUT NOT CUPPY BECAUSE
THAT REMINDS PEOPLE.
BECAUSE OTHER TAMPONS ARE CARDBOARD
APPLICATOR.
- AND THAT'S--
- PEARL ARE PLASTIC,
AND THEY GO SLIP, AND SLIDE.
OH, WELL SEE, THAT'S IF YOU HAD SAID THAT FROM THE
BEGINNING.
IS IT FUNNY TO SAY TO WOMAN, TIME
TO GO DEEP SEA DIVE, AND THEN YOU GO--
IT IS FUNNY.
OCA-LACKA-LACK... I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO A IRISH ACCENT.
- THAT IS IT.
(LAUGHS)
OCA-LACKA-LACKA...
(PRETENDING TO SPEAK IRISH)
YEAH.
(GIBBERISH)
KEY WITH THE IRISH ACCENT IS TO
KEEP YOUR TEETH TOGETHER.
CHA-CHA... I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A
WORD... I CAN'T THINK OF ACTUAL
WORDS WHEN I'M TRYING TO DO THE ACCENT.
SAY SWATCHA
SWATCHA... WHAT? OH, I'M GOING
TO DO THIS.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WEARING GREEN, I PINCHED YOU.
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?
- YEAH.
- NO. THERE IS A LITTLE BIT OF A...
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME
THAT COULD BE GREEN?
UH-HUH.
(WHISPERS) MY PANTIES.
YOUR PANTIES ARE GREEN?
I ALWAYS WEAR GREEN PANTIES.
EWAH, GROSS.
LET ME SHOW YOU.
NO, DON'T SHOW ME. DON'T SHOW ME.
IS IT MORE LIKE A-- DO YOU EVER
DO THE SHAMROCK SHAKE AT MICKEY D'S?
YEAH.
(GIBBERISH)
SO ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADES--
I WISH YOU WOULD START WEARING GLOVES.
GO AHEAD.
THANK YOU. THE BIGGEST ONES ARE IN
NEW YORK CITY, AND BOSTON,
AND UNFORTUNATELY THE MOST
BIGOTED ONE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY--
AND IRELAND--
(BRYAN): AND BOSTON, AND IRELAND.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING THOUGH?
THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY CELEBRATION
IS AMERICAN MADE. IT DIDN'T START
IN IRELAND, IT STARTED HERE.
BECAUSE WHEN WE ESCAPED--
FOR NATIONAL PRIDE. EXACTLY.
--WITH OUR POTATOES, WE SAID,
"ST. PATRICK, HE'S A PATRON SAINT.
DRUG THE SNAKES OUT. HE HAS A
WALKING STICK THAT GREW INTO A TREE.
HERE'S WHAT ACTUALLY--
HE HAS A BELL.
ST. PATRICK WAS ACTUALLY
NOT FROM IRELAND.
HE WAS FROM ENGLAND.
- YES, EXACTLY.
- YEAH.
ST. PATRICK PROBABLY NEVER DROVE OUT SNAKES
BECAUSE SNAKES WOULD'VE NEVER EXISTED
IN IRELAND ANYWAY,
BECAUSE OF THE CLIMATE
AND HIS STAFF, AND WALKING STICK
NEVER GREW INTO A TREE,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU
STOP CRUSHING EVERYONE'S FANTASY
LIFE ABOUT ST. PATRICK, BECAUSE--
BECAUSE MY FANTASY LIFE HAS BEEN CRUSHED.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT
TO MARCH IN THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE EVERY YEAR?
YEAH.
UH, WELL, I CAN'T UNLESS, I WANT TO KEEP
MY SEXUALITY TO MYSELF, BECAUSE
GAY PEOPLE--
WHY WOULD YOU?
EXACTLY. GAY PEOPLE ARE FORMALLY
UNINVITED TO MARCH IN THE NEW
YORK CITY, AND THE BOSTON PARADE
WHICH ARE THE TWO BIGGEST.
ONE PARADE GOER SAYS, HISTORICALLY...
THIS IS J.F. MULLIGAN
SHE'S A MEMBER OF THE--
(ENGLISH VOICE) J.F. MULLIGAN.
OF THE IRISH AMERICAN LGTB Q SOCIETY
CALLED IRISH QUEERS,
SHE SAYS, "WHEN THEY MARCH BY,
THEY GIVE YOU THE FINGER IF YOU'RE
HOLDING A FLAG, AND THEY SAY GET
AIDS AND DIE." THIS HAPPENS TO
HER NEARLY EVERY YEAR.
IN BOSTON?
YES, AND A LOT OF TIMES FROM THE IRISH
POLICE THAT ARE MARCHING
MAYORS OF BOTH CITIES, NEITHER ONE
DE BLASIO, AND
ADAM SOMETHING... NO.
WALSH. MAYOR WALSH, YEAH. NOW
THE PARADE WAS STARTED, THIS
WAS INTERESTING, AND IT'S STILL MAINTAINED
BY AN ORGANIZATION
CALLED THE ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.
THEY WERE THE ORIGINAL
ORGANIZERS OF THE PARADE.
YEAH, THEY STARTED THE TEA, THEY
STARTED THIS--
- WHOLE THING--
- HIBERNIAN TEA.
YEP. EXACTLY. DO YOU MEAN
HIBISCUS? NO.
THE ORGANIZERS OF THE PARADE WANT
TO KEEP IT EXCLUSIVELY IRISH, AND
EXCLUSIVELY CATHOLIC, AND THEY ARE
WELL WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS
TO DO SO, BECAUSE WHAT THEY THOUGHT--
BUT IT'S NOT CALLED THE IRISH
STRAIGHT PEOPLE PARADE.
BUT THE THING IS THEY ARE ACTUALLY
ALLOWED TO--
DISCRIMINATE?
YES, IT'S TOTALLY DEFENSIBLE, BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A PRIVATE
EXPRESSIVE ASSOCIATION. SORT OF LIKE
THE NAACP. THEY DON'T
HAVE TO LET IN A WHITE SUPREMACIST
INTO THAT.
THEY'RE TOTALLY ALLOWED TO DO THIS.
THE PROBLEM IS OBVIOUSLY
IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHEN THE POPE
IS LIKE WHO AM I TO JUDGE, WHAT
ARE WE DOING? WELL SOME, I DON'T
THINK IT'S REALLY NECESSARILY GOOD
NEWS, BUT SOME IMPORTANT THINGS
HAVE HAPPENED FROM THIS, NAMELY
HUGE SPONSORS HAVE PULLED OUT
OF THESE PARADES.
ALL THE BEER SPONSORS. SO HEINEKEN
PULLED OUT OF SPONSORING THE NEW
YORK PARADE FOR LIKE THE FIRST TIME
EVER.
YEAH. GUINNESS PULLED OUT.
SAMUEL ADAMS PULLED OUT OF THE BOSTON
PARADE.
AND JUST AS THEY WERE ABOUT
TO DO A POUR OUT OF ALL THE BEERS
ALL THE GUINNESS. YEAH EXACTLY.
AND ALSO THE STOLI STYLE WHEN THE
RUSSIA THING WAS HAPPENING. ALL THE
GAY BARS WERE GOING TO POUR
OUT ALL OF THEIR GUINNESS, AND NO
LONGER SERVE IT AT THESE BARS
THIS WAS YESTERDAY, BY THE WAY, THAT
THESE PULL OUTS WERE
GOING TO HAPPEN, AND THEN YESTERDAY
GUINNESS SAID,
"WE'RE NOT SUPPORTING THE PARADE
ANY LONGER"
(GASPS) I WOULD'VE LOVED TO BEEN
IN THE MOMENT WHEN THEY WERE
JUST ABOUT TO POUR IT OUT, AND
THEN JUST A LITTLE BIT CAME OUT
AND TIME STOPPED, AND THEN THE
BEER WENT RIGHT BACK IN THE BOTTLE--
(BRYAN): RIGHT BACK IN.
BUT I MEAN, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL--
OH IT'S HUGE-- IT'S HUGE IF
THESE COMPANIES ARE DOING IT TOO.
YEAH. BEER COMPANIES. HUGE BEER COMPANIES.
BEER.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, MAN. GUESS
WHAT GUYS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO
BUY YOUR FUCKING PRODUCT ANYMORE
UNLESS YOU START ACTING COOL
AND THEN THE COMPANIES WERE SAYING LIKE,
"YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT."
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?
- (GASPS) BALLOONS?
- AT THE BOSTON--
CLOSE. AT THE BOSTON PARADE, A
SNEAK ATTACK. A SECRET FLOAT
CAME INTO THE BOSTON PARADE, THAT
WAS A GAY FLOAT. LIKE A TOTAL
STEALTH MOVE. IT WAS A FLOAT THAT HAD A
RAINBOW CANON, IF YOU COULD
IMAGINE SUCH A THING. YOU WON'T
HAVE TO I'LL PUT IT UP. A RAINBOW
CANON, AND JUST LIKE 40 GAY MEN
JUST LIKE, "HELLO. WE'RE HERE."
THROWING RAINBOW BEEDS AT EVERYBODY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
AND HOW DID THEY REACT?
FINE.
GIVE ME A SENTENCE TO SAY IN IRISH.
OH, YOU SHOULD SAY, "PIZZA'S HERE."
(IRISH ACCENT ATTEMPT) PIZZA'S HERE.
WELL WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST JACK
OFF THE--
WHAT?
NO, THAT'S NOT HOW I MEANT TO START THAT.
THAT IS NOT... (LAUGHS)
WELL THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL WE MIGHT AS WELL JACK HAMMER OFF
MASSACHUSETTS, AND THROW
IT OFF THE ATLANTIC.
JACK-OFF HAMMER?
JACK HAMMER.
OH, JACK HAMMER.
BECAUSE MASSACHUSETTS NEEDS TO START
THEIR OWN AMAZING COUNTRY.
YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT THEY DID WRONG, AND
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID RIGHT.
MASSACHUSETTS HIGHEST COURT RULED THAT
IT WAS NOT ILLEGAL TO
TAKE UPSKIRT PHOTOS OF WOMAN.
THERE WAS A CASE WHERE A DUDE,
MICHAEL ROBINSON HAD BEEN TAKING UPSKIRT
PHOTOS OF GIRLS ON
THE MBTA WHICH IS THEIR MASS TRANSIT SYSTEM.
RIGHT.
- AND THEY BUSTED--
- WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.
YEAH, OH, NOT LIKE "EXCUSE ME
MISS CAN I UPSKIRT IT?"
I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS LIKE A TERRY
RICHARDSON SITUATION OF
LIKE A PHOTO SHOOT.
NO. UPSKIRTING IS NOT A
PROPER THING THAT--
I TAKE PICTURES OF WOMAN'S MOLES
ON THE SUBWAY.
WELL YOU'RE A DETERMINOLOGIST.
I AM A DETERMINOLOGIST.
YOU ARE DETERMINED TO GET THE DIRT--
- LISTEN, I GO TO THE END.
- YEAH.
YOU ABSOLUTELY DO.
I'M THE TRUEST DETECTIVE.
NO, UPSKIRTING IS A VERY NEGATIVE
TERM, AND IT'S PEEPING TOMS WITH
CAMERAS ESSENTIALLY.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.
AT THE TIME OF THIS RULING, THE
CURRENT STATUTES PROHIBITS PEOPLE
SECRETLY PHOTOGRAPHING OR VIDEO TAPING
A PERSON WHO IS NUDE
OR PARTIALLY NUDE, AND DOES NOT
APPLY TO WOMAN WHO ARE FULLY
CLOTHED.
- OH.
- SO IT'S NOT ILLEGAL
TO TAKE A PICTURE UP SOMEONE'S
SKIRT, BECAUSE THEY'RE
TECHNICALLY CLOTHED.
- RIGHT.
- EXACTLY.
SO THIS DUDE WAS TAKEN TO TRIAL,
THE HIGHEST COURT WAS LIKE,
"WE CAN'T CONVICT YOU", AND THEY
LET HIM OUT.
SO IS IT LIKE UPWORTHY?
- YES. UPSKIRT WORTHY.
- YEAH.
- THAT WAS HIS WEBSITE.
- YEAH.
SO BEING MASSACHUSETTS, BEING THAT
IT'S A CAN DO STATE
THE GOVERNOR DEVAL PATRICK SIGNED A BILL
THAT SAID, NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH.
(BRYAN): WELL, BECAUSE THEN THEY
DEVAL.
- YEAH.
- HE'S HAVING A DEVAL.
- HE'S SHELLY DUVALL.
- YEAH.
HE'S DOING IT ALL.
HE'S DOING-- THAT WAS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL POEM I'VE EVER HEARD
- IN MY LIFE.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND I READ A LOT OF WALT WHITMAN.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
SO, HE DID THIS TWO DAYS AFTER
THAT RULING. LIKE THAT IS SOME ACTION.
YEAH.
UM, SIMILAR CASES HAVE HAPPENED
IN INDIANA. AND WASHINGTON WHERE
NEW LAWS WERE MADE AFTER UPSKIRTERS
WERE LET OFF, AND
NEW YORK, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS, BUT WHAT OTHER STATE
DID IT? FLORIDA.
THEY'RE COMING AROUND THE BEND.
BARELY.
THEY'RE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN.
THEY'RE BARELY. I FEEL LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE IS LIKE IN THE
MARATHON OF STATES, DOING THINGS RIGHT.
EVERYONE ELSE HAS BUSTED
THROUGH THE FINISH LINES, BUT FLORIDA'S
NOT STOPPING, BUT
SHE IS SWEATY AND SHE'S DOING FULL
DRY HEAVING. YEAH.
THERE COMES A POINT WHERE YOU'RE
TIRED OF THE SHIT. YOU'RE TIRED
OF THE SWEAT, AND YOU GO THE OTHER
WAY. I MET SOMEONE LOVELY
- FROM ORLANDO.
- WHEN?
LAST WEEK. GUESS WHAT HIS NAME WAS?
PHILIP MY COUSIN.
MM-MM. HIS NAME WAS...
BRYAN?
- WITH A?
- I?
WITH A Y?
WHY IS THIS INTERESTING?
OH, JUST BECAUSE.
ORLANDO, AND YOUR NAME?
ISN'T IT FUNNY WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE
THAT HAS YOUR NAME?
- IT IS SO FUNNY.
- YEAH.
WHILE THIS IS ALL GOOD NEWS FOR
WOMAN, THERE ARE STILL SOME
LAWS ON THE BOOKS THAT AREN'T SO
GREAT FOR THE LADIES.
ANTI FORNICATION LAWS, ARE STILL ON
THE BOOK VIRGINIA, GEORGIA,
MISSISSIPPI, NORTH CAROLINA, UTAH,
AND SOUTH CAROLINA.
SO THAT MEANS THAT YOU CAN'T FUCK
YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE YOU GET
- MARRIED.
- OH, YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SEX?
YEAH.
THAT'S CRAZY.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- I MEAN THAT'S WHEN YOU STOP HAVING SEX.
OH, RIGHT. (SIGHS)
IF YOU WANT TO WEAR A STRAP ON IN
LOUISIANA AND GEORGIA, OR
ALABAMA, YOU CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE
IT'S ILLEGAL TO SELL SEX TOYS
DEFINED AS ANY OBJECT, USEFUL PRIMARILY
FOR THE STIMULATION
OF HUMAN GENITAL ORGANS.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING, THAT THEY PUT A
LAW ON THE BOOKS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT STIMULATION WHICH IS A PRETTY
GOOD WORD.
WHAT IF THEY WERE LIKE, "FUN? NO."
WELL, ALSO, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT
A LOT OF SEX TOYS ARE
FOR WHO?
- LADIES.
- MEN.
HUH?
GAY MEN.
SO IF YOU'RE IN LOUISIANA, AND YOU
BUY A DILDO, BUT YOU CAN
BE CHARGED $2500 DOLLARS, AND IN
PRISON FOR 3 YEARS.
OH MY GOD.
- THAT'S CRAZY.
- YEAH.
NOW A LOT OF THESE THINGS ARE
STILL ON THE BOOKS BECAUSE OF
WHAT IS IT, TEXAS VS... SOMETHING...
IT WAS A SODOMY LAW?
YEAH.
LAWRENCE V. TEXAS.
- LAWRENCE V. TEXAS.
- YEAH.
BECAUSE OF THAT, A LOT OF THESE LAWS,
YOU CAN ARGUE AGAINST THESE
IF ANYONE GETS ACCUSED OF BUYING
A DILDO YOU CAN BE LIKE, "OH, LAWRENCE V. TEXAS."
YOU CAN'T GET INTO MY BUSINESS,
BECAUSE IT'S MY BUSINESS.
YEAH.
SO, LADIES, BEFORE YOU TRAVEL TO THE STATE
CHECK THE WEATHER--
DRIVING... ROAD CONDITIONS.
AND THEN READ ALL OF THE LAWS
IN THEIR BOOKS TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE
NOT BREAKING ANY OF THEM.
AND SEE IF YOU NEED TO HAVE THE
WATER IMPORTED FOR BAGELS.
- OH, BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY
DO IT IN NEW YORK.
- NEW YORK WATER.

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