or
Irish-Jewish-Texan Erin Gibson and Syrian-German-Texan Bryan Safi just spent a week... more »
Published March 18, 2014 42k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi
689 Funny Votes
223 Die Votes
41,720 Views
Published March 18, 2014

1

(ERIN): THIS IS

2

(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.

3

(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

4

(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

5

(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES
AND POLITICS,

6

(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,

7

(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.

8

(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

9

ERIN, I BARELY SURVIVED.

10

OH, ST. PATRICK'S DAY?

11

- THE EARTHQUAKE.
- OH.

12

- AND IT WAS ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
- YEAH.

13

WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHAT DID YOU--

14

I PUT MY KUMONO ON.
THAT'S ALL I COULD DO.

15

YEAH, THAT'S ALL YOU COULD DO
IS JUST WRAP YOURSELF UP.

16

I WAS IN ASLEEP IN BED, LIKE MANY
PEOPLE WERE.

17

LIKE AN ANGEL.

18

YES, I WAS SLEEPING LIKE THIS,
AND THEN I WOULD SLEEP LIKE THIS.

19

AND THEN SOMETIMES
I WOULD SLEEP LIKE...

20

THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED, AND
THINGS WERE SHAKING, AND I

21

THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I'M TOO TIRED
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS."

22

AND I THOUGHT THAT SHOULD BE ON
MY HEADSTONE WHEN I DIE.

23

OH, BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU DIE,
BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO TIRED TO DO

24

ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

25

COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

26

YOU HAVE CANCER.

27

- EH, I'M EXHAUSTED.
- I'M EXHAUSTED I CAN'T TAKE IT--

28

- CAN'T DO IT.
- I'M EXHAUSTED.

29

I THOUGHT A CAR HAD RUN INTO THE HOUSE.

30

I HONESTLY THOUGHT WE HAD A
BURGLAR.

31

ERIN, WE GOT BACK FROM TEXAS,
CAN YOU IMAGINE?

32

WE DID IT. WE WERE IN TEXAS FOR
UNO RECADO, UNA SEMANA.

33

- UNA SEMANA
- THIS IS WHAT WE DID.

34

WE WERE LIKE, WE GOT THERE, AND
WE WERE LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO

35

- EAT BAD FOOD.
- YEAH.

36

I'M NOT GOING
TO SMOKE CIGARETTES.

37

I DIDN'T SAY THE 2ND ONE. YOU'RE
THE ONE WHO HAS--

38

WHEN I WALKED INTO THAT HOTEL
ROOM THE FIRST THING I SAW

39

IN THAT TRASH CAN WAS WHOLE
CIGARETTES THAT HADN'T BEEN

40

SMOKED, CRUMPLED UP, AND BROKEN
OFF IN A TRASH CAN. I THOUGHT--

41

- YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY I WAS?
- OH GOD, SO THIS IS WHAT I'M
WALKING INTO.

42

THIS IS WHAT I GET
TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW.

43

SO IN THE MIDDLE OF HER OWN INTERVENTION.

44

ABSOLUTELY.

45

- YEAH. WE DID SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST
- WE DID.

46

- WE DID HOUSTON.
- AND THEN WE DID DALLAS.

47

DALLAS.

48

(LAUGHING) DEBBIE DOES DALLAS.

49

- I WISH WE WERE NAMED DEBBIE.
- YEAH ME TO.

50

WELL WE SHOULD MENTION THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING WE DID IN TEXAS.

51

WAS IN COURSE-A-CANA TEXAS.

52

- SAY IT RIGHT.
- OF COURSE YA'CANA.

53

- THERE YOU GO.
- OKAY.

54

THERE'S A SMALL TOWN BETWEEN AUSTIN
AND DALLAS, AND, NO EXCUSE ME--

55

- WELL CLOSER TO DALLAS.
- FINE, I FUCKED IT ALL UP.

56

BUT THERE'S A FAMOUS BAKERY THERE
SO WE WENT OBVIOUSLY, AND

57

WE WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW, CAN WE
GET WHATEVER.

58

WELL NO, FIRST WE WALKED IN, AND
THERE WAS A MESSAGE BOARD,

59

A SANDWICH BOARD OR WHATEVER--

60

YES, THERE WAS A MESSAGE BOARD.

61

IT SAID, SPECIAL SANDWICH. HAM
SANDWICH. SOUP OF THE DAY.
MACARONI AND CHEESE

62

- RIGHT.
- SO WE WERE BOTH LIKE

63

OH THAT'S A MESS UP.

64

YEAH, THEY JUST HAVE MACARONI AND
CHEESE, AND THEY JUST PUT,

65

INSERT HERE, AND JUST PUT
ANYTHING IN THERE.

66

- AND WE LAUGHED.
- WE LAUGHED SO HARD.

67

TWO CITY PEOPLE JUST LAUGHING.

68

LAUGHING SO HARD WE WERE CRYING.
CRYING SO HARD WE WERE VOMITING,

69

VOMITING SO HARD WE LOST OUR WILL TO LIVE.

70

- YEAH.
- ABSOLUTELY.

71

WE ORDER OUR SAMMIES.

72

SOAKED IN THROW UP.

73

I GO, "WHAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?"

74

MAC AND CHEESE.

75

AND THEN, I SAID, "HOW IS THAT A SOUP?"

76

- BECAUSE IT'S MACARONI NOODLES.
- UH-HUH.

77

WITH THE CHEESE SAUCE.

78

YES, SO IT'S MACARONI AND CHEESE.

79

AND THEN WE SAID, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND HOW IT'S A SOUP.

80

AND SHE GOES, "WELL IT'S GOT PEAS
AND CARROTS IN IT.

81

YEAH.

82

SO ESSENTIALLY IF YOU PUT PEAS AND
CARROTS IN A MEATLOAF, IN COURSE-

83

A-CANA TEXAS YOU CAN CALL IT A SOUP.

84

IF YOU PUT IT IN A CHERRY PIE,
IT'S A SOUP.

85

IT'S A SOUP. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE
THAT WE WERE BOTH SO REVOLTED,

86

AND THEN LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, AND
WERE LIKE TWO PLEASE.

87

- WE ORDERED IT.
- WE ORDERED IT. STRAIGHT UP.

88

AND I ATE IT, AND IT WAS LIKE MACARONI
AND CHEESE WITH CARROTS AND PEAS.

89

- AH MAN. IT WAS THE CHEWIEST SOUP.
- (ERIN): IT WAS NOTHING LIKE
SOUP ABOUT IT.

90

(BRYAN): NOTHING SOUP LIKE ABOUT IT.

91

THEN WE GOT CHERRY ICEBOX
COOKIES, WHICH I FEEL LIKE IS

92

THE NUMBER ONE SOUTHERN THING TO EAT.

93

OH, IT WAS WONDERFUL.

94

HAD TWO MACARONI AND CHEESE SOUPS,
AND ONE CHERRY ICEBOX COOKIE.

95

(TOGETHER): THANK YOU SO MUCH.

96

THAT WE GOT FOR FREE, BECAUSE THEY
WERE BASICALLY LIKE,

97

"YOU GUYS HAVE SPENT ABOUT A 100 THOUSAND
DOLLARS HERE ON FOOD."

98

YOU BROUGHT A SANDWICH, AND A SOUP.

99

SHE ALSO GAVE US OUR SOUPS FOR FREE.

100

WELL I DID MY EPSON, BECAUSE I HAD TO AFTER THE--

101

- EPSON SALT?
- YEAH.

102

WHY? THAT'S DEHYDRATING.

103

NO, FOR YOUR SKIN IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING IN THE WORLD.

104

- EPSON SALT?
- YEAH.

105

YOU KNOW HOW THE OCEAN'S SO GOOD FOR
YOUR SKIN?

106

NO.

107

MEDITERRANEAN WOMAN HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS
THE POWERS OF THE OCEAN.

108

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A PLACE ON
THE WEST COAST THAT IS OCEAN SIDE

109

AND IT'S NIGHT TIME, AND THERE IS
NO STARS OUT, THERE'S NO LIGHTS,

110

AND YOU'RE WALKING ON THE BEACH,
AND ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS THE OCEAN,

111

AND YOU JUST KNOW THAT AT ANY MOMENT GODZILLA'S GOING TO

112

COME OUT AND JUST GRAB YOU?

113

YES.

114

IT'S THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING I'VE
EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

115

YES, I HAVE. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A
SEX ON THE BEACH, AND I'M

116

NOT TALKING ABOUT THE COCKTAIL
THAT I MAKE MYSELF EVERY NIGHT.

117

NO. CUZ YOU GET SAND IN MY VAGINA.

118

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

119

AND THEN, 4 WEEKS LATER YOU GET A
TAMPAX PEARL.

120

121

OH MY GOD.

122

THAT'S MY NUMBER ONE RE-TWEETED TWEET.

123

THAT ACTUALLY WASN'T AN ORIGINAL
THOUGHT JUST NOW.

124

NO, I HAD IT ORIGINALLY A COUPLE
OF MONTHS AGO.

125

RIGHT, BUT YOU WERE LIKE JUST LIKE TRYING OUT--

126

TRYING IT OUT ON YOU.

127

YEAH.

128

APPARENTLY IT DOESN'T WORK AS GOOD IN PERSON.

129

YOU MADE A FACE LIKE I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU MAKE BEFORE.

130

(GIGGLES)

131

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

132

YOU'RE HOLE FACE WENT IN--

133

WHY DO THEY CALL IT A TAMPAX PEARL,
BECAUSE IT'S LITTLE LIKE THIS?

134

UH, I THINK BECAUSE
THEY MAKE THE PLASTIC SHINY.

135

THAT'S THE REASON?

136

MM-HMM. TAMPAX PEARL--

137

I THOUGHT IT MEANT THAT IT WAS MUCH
SMALLER. TALK ABOUT PEAS AND CARROTS

138

AND IT WAS THE SIZE OF, YOU KNOW
LIKE A LITTLE PEARL.

139

NO, BUT THEY MAKE--

140

OR IT GOES IN A PEARL, AND COMES
OUT A GRAPEFRUIT.

141

ALSO, THERE'S A
PEARL NECKLACE ON THE PACKAGE.

142

- OH. WELL SO NOW IT MAKES SENSE.
- CLASS.

143

(BRYAN): SO TAMPAX PEARLS ARE A
CUT ABOVE, BUT NOT CUPPY BECAUSE

144

THAT REMINDS PEOPLE.

145

BECAUSE OTHER TAMPONS ARE CARDBOARD
APPLICATOR.

146

- AND THAT'S--
- PEARL ARE PLASTIC,

147

AND THEY GO SLIP, AND SLIDE.

148

OH, WELL SEE, THAT'S IF YOU HAD SAID THAT FROM THE
BEGINNING.

149

IS IT FUNNY TO SAY TO WOMAN, TIME
TO GO DEEP SEA DIVE, AND THEN YOU GO--

150

IT IS FUNNY.

151

152

OCA-LACKA-LACK... I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO DO A IRISH ACCENT.

153

- THAT IS IT.
(LAUGHS)

154

OCA-LACKA-LACKA...

155

(PRETENDING TO SPEAK IRISH)

156

YEAH.

157

(GIBBERISH)

158

KEY WITH THE IRISH ACCENT IS TO
KEEP YOUR TEETH TOGETHER.

159

CHA-CHA... I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A
WORD... I CAN'T THINK OF ACTUAL

160

WORDS WHEN I'M TRYING TO DO THE ACCENT.

161

SAY SWATCHA

162

SWATCHA... WHAT? OH, I'M GOING
TO DO THIS.

163

- WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WEARING GREEN, I PINCHED YOU.

164

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN?

165

- YEAH.
- NO. THERE IS A LITTLE BIT OF A...

166

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW ME
THAT COULD BE GREEN?

167

UH-HUH.

168

(WHISPERS) MY PANTIES.

169

YOUR PANTIES ARE GREEN?

170

I ALWAYS WEAR GREEN PANTIES.

171

EWAH, GROSS.

172

LET ME SHOW YOU.

173

NO, DON'T SHOW ME. DON'T SHOW ME.

174

IS IT MORE LIKE A-- DO YOU EVER

175

DO THE SHAMROCK SHAKE AT MICKEY D'S?

176

YEAH.

177

(GIBBERISH)

178

SO ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADES--

179

I WISH YOU WOULD START WEARING GLOVES.
GO AHEAD.

180

THANK YOU. THE BIGGEST ONES ARE IN
NEW YORK CITY, AND BOSTON,

181

AND UNFORTUNATELY THE MOST
BIGOTED ONE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY--

182

AND IRELAND--

183

(BRYAN): AND BOSTON, AND IRELAND.

184

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING THOUGH?

185

THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY CELEBRATION
IS AMERICAN MADE. IT DIDN'T START

186

IN IRELAND, IT STARTED HERE.

187

BECAUSE WHEN WE ESCAPED--

188

FOR NATIONAL PRIDE. EXACTLY.

189

--WITH OUR POTATOES, WE SAID,
"ST. PATRICK, HE'S A PATRON SAINT.

190

DRUG THE SNAKES OUT. HE HAS A
WALKING STICK THAT GREW INTO A TREE.

191

HERE'S WHAT ACTUALLY--

192

HE HAS A BELL.

193

ST. PATRICK WAS ACTUALLY
NOT FROM IRELAND.

194

HE WAS FROM ENGLAND.

195

- YES, EXACTLY.
- YEAH.

196

ST. PATRICK PROBABLY NEVER DROVE OUT SNAKES
BECAUSE SNAKES WOULD'VE NEVER EXISTED

197

IN IRELAND ANYWAY,
BECAUSE OF THE CLIMATE

198

AND HIS STAFF, AND WALKING STICK
NEVER GREW INTO A TREE,

199

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU
STOP CRUSHING EVERYONE'S FANTASY

200

LIFE ABOUT ST. PATRICK, BECAUSE--

201

BECAUSE MY FANTASY LIFE HAS BEEN CRUSHED.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT

202

TO MARCH IN THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE EVERY YEAR?

203

YEAH.

204

UH, WELL, I CAN'T UNLESS, I WANT TO KEEP
MY SEXUALITY TO MYSELF, BECAUSE

205

GAY PEOPLE--

206

WHY WOULD YOU?

207

EXACTLY. GAY PEOPLE ARE FORMALLY
UNINVITED TO MARCH IN THE NEW

208

YORK CITY, AND THE BOSTON PARADE
WHICH ARE THE TWO BIGGEST.

209

ONE PARADE GOER SAYS, HISTORICALLY...
THIS IS J.F. MULLIGAN

210

SHE'S A MEMBER OF THE--

211

(ENGLISH VOICE) J.F. MULLIGAN.

212

OF THE IRISH AMERICAN LGTB Q SOCIETY
CALLED IRISH QUEERS,

213

SHE SAYS, "WHEN THEY MARCH BY,
THEY GIVE YOU THE FINGER IF YOU'RE

214

HOLDING A FLAG, AND THEY SAY GET

215

AIDS AND DIE." THIS HAPPENS TO

216

HER NEARLY EVERY YEAR.

217

IN BOSTON?

218

YES, AND A LOT OF TIMES FROM THE IRISH
POLICE THAT ARE MARCHING

219

MAYORS OF BOTH CITIES, NEITHER ONE
DE BLASIO, AND

220

ADAM SOMETHING... NO.

221

WALSH. MAYOR WALSH, YEAH. NOW
THE PARADE WAS STARTED, THIS

222

WAS INTERESTING, AND IT'S STILL MAINTAINED
BY AN ORGANIZATION

223

CALLED THE ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.
THEY WERE THE ORIGINAL

224

ORGANIZERS OF THE PARADE.

225

YEAH, THEY STARTED THE TEA, THEY
STARTED THIS--

226

- WHOLE THING--
- HIBERNIAN TEA.

227

YEP. EXACTLY. DO YOU MEAN
HIBISCUS? NO.

228

THE ORGANIZERS OF THE PARADE WANT
TO KEEP IT EXCLUSIVELY IRISH, AND

229

EXCLUSIVELY CATHOLIC, AND THEY ARE
WELL WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS

230

TO DO SO, BECAUSE WHAT THEY THOUGHT--

231

BUT IT'S NOT CALLED THE IRISH
STRAIGHT PEOPLE PARADE.

232

BUT THE THING IS THEY ARE ACTUALLY
ALLOWED TO--

233

DISCRIMINATE?

234

YES, IT'S TOTALLY DEFENSIBLE, BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A PRIVATE

235

EXPRESSIVE ASSOCIATION. SORT OF LIKE
THE NAACP. THEY DON'T

236

HAVE TO LET IN A WHITE SUPREMACIST
INTO THAT.

237

THEY'RE TOTALLY ALLOWED TO DO THIS.
THE PROBLEM IS OBVIOUSLY

238

IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHEN THE POPE
IS LIKE WHO AM I TO JUDGE, WHAT

239

ARE WE DOING? WELL SOME, I DON'T
THINK IT'S REALLY NECESSARILY GOOD

240

NEWS, BUT SOME IMPORTANT THINGS
HAVE HAPPENED FROM THIS, NAMELY

241

HUGE SPONSORS HAVE PULLED OUT
OF THESE PARADES.

242

243

ALL THE BEER SPONSORS. SO HEINEKEN
PULLED OUT OF SPONSORING THE NEW

244

YORK PARADE FOR LIKE THE FIRST TIME
EVER.

245

YEAH. GUINNESS PULLED OUT.

246

SAMUEL ADAMS PULLED OUT OF THE BOSTON
PARADE.

247

AND JUST AS THEY WERE ABOUT
TO DO A POUR OUT OF ALL THE BEERS

248

ALL THE GUINNESS. YEAH EXACTLY.
AND ALSO THE STOLI STYLE WHEN THE

249

RUSSIA THING WAS HAPPENING. ALL THE
GAY BARS WERE GOING TO POUR

250

OUT ALL OF THEIR GUINNESS, AND NO
LONGER SERVE IT AT THESE BARS

251

THIS WAS YESTERDAY, BY THE WAY, THAT
THESE PULL OUTS WERE

252

GOING TO HAPPEN, AND THEN YESTERDAY
GUINNESS SAID,

253

"WE'RE NOT SUPPORTING THE PARADE
ANY LONGER"

254

(GASPS) I WOULD'VE LOVED TO BEEN
IN THE MOMENT WHEN THEY WERE

255

JUST ABOUT TO POUR IT OUT, AND
THEN JUST A LITTLE BIT CAME OUT

256

AND TIME STOPPED, AND THEN THE
BEER WENT RIGHT BACK IN THE BOTTLE--

257

(BRYAN): RIGHT BACK IN.

258

BUT I MEAN, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL--

259

OH IT'S HUGE-- IT'S HUGE IF
THESE COMPANIES ARE DOING IT TOO.

260

YEAH. BEER COMPANIES. HUGE BEER COMPANIES.

261

BEER.

262

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, MAN. GUESS
WHAT GUYS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO

263

BUY YOUR FUCKING PRODUCT ANYMORE
UNLESS YOU START ACTING COOL

264

AND THEN THE COMPANIES WERE SAYING LIKE,
"YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,

265

AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT."
AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

266

- (GASPS) BALLOONS?
- AT THE BOSTON--

267

CLOSE. AT THE BOSTON PARADE, A
SNEAK ATTACK. A SECRET FLOAT

268

CAME INTO THE BOSTON PARADE, THAT
WAS A GAY FLOAT. LIKE A TOTAL

269

STEALTH MOVE. IT WAS A FLOAT THAT HAD A
RAINBOW CANON, IF YOU COULD

270

IMAGINE SUCH A THING. YOU WON'T
HAVE TO I'LL PUT IT UP. A RAINBOW

271

CANON, AND JUST LIKE 40 GAY MEN
JUST LIKE, "HELLO. WE'RE HERE."

272

THROWING RAINBOW BEEDS AT EVERYBODY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?

273

AND HOW DID THEY REACT?

274

FINE.

275

GIVE ME A SENTENCE TO SAY IN IRISH.

276

OH, YOU SHOULD SAY, "PIZZA'S HERE."

277

(IRISH ACCENT ATTEMPT) PIZZA'S HERE.

278

279

WELL WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST JACK
OFF THE--

280

WHAT?

281

NO, THAT'S NOT HOW I MEANT TO START THAT.

282

THAT IS NOT... (LAUGHS)

283

WELL THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

284

WELL WE MIGHT AS WELL JACK HAMMER OFF
MASSACHUSETTS, AND THROW

285

IT OFF THE ATLANTIC.

286

JACK-OFF HAMMER?

287

JACK HAMMER.

288

OH, JACK HAMMER.

289

BECAUSE MASSACHUSETTS NEEDS TO START
THEIR OWN AMAZING COUNTRY.

290

YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

291

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT THEY DID WRONG, AND

292

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID RIGHT.

293

MASSACHUSETTS HIGHEST COURT RULED THAT
IT WAS NOT ILLEGAL TO

294

TAKE UPSKIRT PHOTOS OF WOMAN.
THERE WAS A CASE WHERE A DUDE,

295

MICHAEL ROBINSON HAD BEEN TAKING UPSKIRT
PHOTOS OF GIRLS ON

296

THE MBTA WHICH IS THEIR MASS TRANSIT SYSTEM.

297

RIGHT.

298

- AND THEY BUSTED--
- WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.

299

YEAH, OH, NOT LIKE "EXCUSE ME
MISS CAN I UPSKIRT IT?"

300

I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS LIKE A TERRY
RICHARDSON SITUATION OF

301

LIKE A PHOTO SHOOT.

302

NO. UPSKIRTING IS NOT A
PROPER THING THAT--

303

I TAKE PICTURES OF WOMAN'S MOLES
ON THE SUBWAY.

304

WELL YOU'RE A DETERMINOLOGIST.

305

I AM A DETERMINOLOGIST.

306

YOU ARE DETERMINED TO GET THE DIRT--

307

- LISTEN, I GO TO THE END.
- YEAH.

308

YOU ABSOLUTELY DO.

309

I'M THE TRUEST DETECTIVE.

310

NO, UPSKIRTING IS A VERY NEGATIVE
TERM, AND IT'S PEEPING TOMS WITH

311

CAMERAS ESSENTIALLY.

312

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.

313

AT THE TIME OF THIS RULING, THE
CURRENT STATUTES PROHIBITS PEOPLE

314

SECRETLY PHOTOGRAPHING OR VIDEO TAPING
A PERSON WHO IS NUDE

315

OR PARTIALLY NUDE, AND DOES NOT
APPLY TO WOMAN WHO ARE FULLY
CLOTHED.

316

- OH.
- SO IT'S NOT ILLEGAL

317

TO TAKE A PICTURE UP SOMEONE'S

318

SKIRT, BECAUSE THEY'RE
TECHNICALLY CLOTHED.

319

- RIGHT.
- EXACTLY.

320

SO THIS DUDE WAS TAKEN TO TRIAL,
THE HIGHEST COURT WAS LIKE,

321

"WE CAN'T CONVICT YOU", AND THEY
LET HIM OUT.

322

SO IS IT LIKE UPWORTHY?

323

- YES. UPSKIRT WORTHY.
- YEAH.

324

- THAT WAS HIS WEBSITE.
- YEAH.

325

SO BEING MASSACHUSETTS, BEING THAT
IT'S A CAN DO STATE

326

THE GOVERNOR DEVAL PATRICK SIGNED A BILL
THAT SAID, NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH.

327

(BRYAN): WELL, BECAUSE THEN THEY
DEVAL.

328

- YEAH.
- HE'S HAVING A DEVAL.

329

- HE'S SHELLY DUVALL.
- YEAH.

330

HE'S DOING IT ALL.

331

HE'S DOING-- THAT WAS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL POEM I'VE EVER HEARD

332

- IN MY LIFE.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

333

AND I READ A LOT OF WALT WHITMAN.

334

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

335

SO, HE DID THIS TWO DAYS AFTER
THAT RULING. LIKE THAT IS SOME ACTION.

336

YEAH.

337

UM, SIMILAR CASES HAVE HAPPENED
IN INDIANA. AND WASHINGTON WHERE

338

NEW LAWS WERE MADE AFTER UPSKIRTERS
WERE LET OFF, AND

339

NEW YORK, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS, BUT WHAT OTHER STATE

340

DID IT? FLORIDA.

341

THEY'RE COMING AROUND THE BEND.

342

BARELY.

343

THEY'RE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN.

344

THEY'RE BARELY. I FEEL LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE IS LIKE IN THE

345

MARATHON OF STATES, DOING THINGS RIGHT.
EVERYONE ELSE HAS BUSTED

346

THROUGH THE FINISH LINES, BUT FLORIDA'S
NOT STOPPING, BUT

347

SHE IS SWEATY AND SHE'S DOING FULL
DRY HEAVING. YEAH.

348

THERE COMES A POINT WHERE YOU'RE
TIRED OF THE SHIT. YOU'RE TIRED

349

OF THE SWEAT, AND YOU GO THE OTHER
WAY. I MET SOMEONE LOVELY

350

- FROM ORLANDO.
- WHEN?

351

LAST WEEK. GUESS WHAT HIS NAME WAS?

352

PHILIP MY COUSIN.

353

MM-MM. HIS NAME WAS...

354

BRYAN?

355

- WITH A?
- I?

356

WITH A Y?

357

WHY IS THIS INTERESTING?

358

OH, JUST BECAUSE.

359

ORLANDO, AND YOUR NAME?

360

ISN'T IT FUNNY WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE
THAT HAS YOUR NAME?

361

- IT IS SO FUNNY.
- YEAH.

362

WHILE THIS IS ALL GOOD NEWS FOR
WOMAN, THERE ARE STILL SOME

363

LAWS ON THE BOOKS THAT AREN'T SO
GREAT FOR THE LADIES.

364

ANTI FORNICATION LAWS, ARE STILL ON
THE BOOK VIRGINIA, GEORGIA,

365

MISSISSIPPI, NORTH CAROLINA, UTAH,
AND SOUTH CAROLINA.

366

SO THAT MEANS THAT YOU CAN'T FUCK
YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE YOU GET

367

- MARRIED.
- OH, YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SEX?

368

YEAH.

369

THAT'S CRAZY.

370

- ABSOLUTELY.
- I MEAN THAT'S WHEN YOU STOP HAVING SEX.

371

OH, RIGHT. (SIGHS)

372

IF YOU WANT TO WEAR A STRAP ON IN
LOUISIANA AND GEORGIA, OR

373

ALABAMA, YOU CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE
IT'S ILLEGAL TO SELL SEX TOYS

374

DEFINED AS ANY OBJECT, USEFUL PRIMARILY
FOR THE STIMULATION

375

OF HUMAN GENITAL ORGANS.

376

ISN'T THAT AMAZING, THAT THEY PUT A
LAW ON THE BOOKS THAT WOULD

377

PROHIBIT STIMULATION WHICH IS A PRETTY
GOOD WORD.

378

WHAT IF THEY WERE LIKE, "FUN? NO."

379

WELL, ALSO, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT
A LOT OF SEX TOYS ARE

380

FOR WHO?

381

- LADIES.
- MEN.

382

HUH?

383

GAY MEN.

384

SO IF YOU'RE IN LOUISIANA, AND YOU
BUY A DILDO, BUT YOU CAN

385

BE CHARGED $2500 DOLLARS, AND IN
PRISON FOR 3 YEARS.

386

OH MY GOD.

387

- THAT'S CRAZY.
- YEAH.

388

NOW A LOT OF THESE THINGS ARE
STILL ON THE BOOKS BECAUSE OF

389

WHAT IS IT, TEXAS VS... SOMETHING...

390

IT WAS A SODOMY LAW?

391

YEAH.

392

LAWRENCE V. TEXAS.

393

- LAWRENCE V. TEXAS.
- YEAH.

394

BECAUSE OF THAT, A LOT OF THESE LAWS,
YOU CAN ARGUE AGAINST THESE
IF ANYONE GETS ACCUSED OF BUYING

395

A DILDO YOU CAN BE LIKE, "OH, LAWRENCE V. TEXAS."

396

YOU CAN'T GET INTO MY BUSINESS,
BECAUSE IT'S MY BUSINESS.

397

YEAH.

398

SO, LADIES, BEFORE YOU TRAVEL TO THE STATE
CHECK THE WEATHER--

399

DRIVING... ROAD CONDITIONS.

400

AND THEN READ ALL OF THE LAWS
IN THEIR BOOKS TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE

401

NOT BREAKING ANY OF THEM.

402

AND SEE IF YOU NEED TO HAVE THE
WATER IMPORTED FOR BAGELS.

403

- OH, BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY
DO IT IN NEW YORK.
- NEW YORK WATER.

404

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web