Zombie-American Chapter One

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Ed Helms

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The video opens with a shot of feet moving down a sidewalk. There is litter being dragged beneath the feet as the move in shuffle, rather than a stride.

Ed Helms (voiceover): I was mad at first, yeah. I was mad as hell. But, now, I really take pride in it…

The shot pans up to reveal Ed Helms walking down a city street. His face is in makeup that makes him appear to be one of the walking dead.

Ed Helms (voiceover): …and I see I see it as sort of my mission to get the message out there…

The shot cuts to an interior setting with a headshot of Ed Helms.

Ed Helms: …that we’re not, not so bad.

Folksy guitar music begins to play and the shot goes black. The words –Zombie-American – appears on the screen, fades out, and is replaced by the words – Chapter 1. The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: My name is Glen and I’m a zombie.

The shot cuts back to an exterior shot of Ed Helms walking down the street.

Ed Helms (voiceover): I choose to present myself as a zombie who wants to get…

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: an image of zombies out there that’s a little different from the conventional zombie stereotype.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms walking down the street again. Two random strangers coming out of doorway hail Ed Helms in a friendly way.

Ed Helms (voiceover): I like to sort of stay away from what a zombie is…

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: …technically, because that sort of makes up seem freakish.

The shot cuts back to Ed Helms walking down the street.

Ed Helms (voiceover): The thing that most people know, which is true, is that we are walking dead.

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: What most people don’t realize is that we do a lot of things besides just walk.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms reading a book with Bill Clinton’s face on the cover.

Ed Helms (voiceover): I like to curl up with a good book. (non-voiceover) Ha, ha, ha, ha. What a cad.

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: I like, you know, to do the crossword puzzle.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms doing a crossword.

Ed Helms (voiceover): And, I’m not going to lie to you, the only thing I enjoy more than doing the crossword puzzle, is finishing it.

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: One way that I like to chill out, calm myself down, is to play my guitar.

Ed Helms picks up a guitar and plays briefly.

Ed Helms: Play a little bit of music.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms walking down a street.

Ed Helms (voiceover): I really like helping people. (non-voiceover, speaking to a passerby) You guys lost. (voiceover) It’s something I like to do, make people feel good about themselves. (non-voiceover, looking at a map) This way. To the bridge, yeah, it’s this way (points).

Passerby: Thank you.

Ed Helms: You’re welcome. Take care.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms sitting on the front steps of a building.

Ed Helms (voiceover): It’s a rough road being a zombie. There’s a lot of anti-zombie sentiment out there.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms walking down the street with his arm held out at a bizarre angle.

Ed Helms (voiceover): People think that zombies walk funny.

The shot cuts to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: Well, we do walk a little bit unusual.

The shot cuts back to Ed Helms out on the sidewalk, banging his arm against a fence.

Ed Helms (voiceover): It has to do with joint decay, cartilage decay, tendon decay.

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: Another stereotype that’s out there is that all we eat are brains. Ha, ha, you know. Bullshit. I like a ham sandwich now and then.

The shot cuts to Ed Helms in the bathroom brushing his hair.

Ed Helms (voiceover): A lot of people just assume that because you’re a zombie, you’re grotesque looking.

The shot cuts back to the interior setting.

Ed Helms: I’ll admit, I’m not Fabio, but I think I’m pretty put together, a pretty handsome guy.

The shot cuts back to Ed Helms in the bathroom.

Ed Helms: Gotta look good. Gotta look my best.

Ed Helms cleans some of the sore on his face with a Q-tip. At one point, he passes the Q-tip into one sore and out of another.

Ed Helms: Oh, there it is. Ha, ha. Can your friend do that? I don’t think so. That’s good stuff. That’s a great party trick too.