How I Seize It #40: "Hannukah"

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Hey!
Loretta Jenkins here with another
Happy Holiday from How I Seize It.
We takin' a new approach this yea
cause some folks been sayin'
that I'm too redneck and one-sided,
and that I need to branch out
my understandings of the world.
Well, I accept your challenge
and this year for my holiday special,
I'm gonna teach y'all about Hannukah,
also known as 'Jew Christmas.'
And outta respect for the Jew holiday
I ain't got no Chrismas decorations around here.
Well, accept for my...my panties.
They got Sanny Claus on them.
(laughs)
Ho...ho...ho!
It's a time where we supposed to
sit around and be thankful,
and eat turkey instead of pork-
Wait... No...
Alright, lemme explain...
Jewish time in history is basically all the time
before the baby Jesus was born.
That's why it come right before Christmas
and it last so damn long.
Them Jews was smart to do they calendar like that.
Cause that way they gets more times off anyway
so they can sit around and drink more
and that's what I like to sees!
Yeah!
Go Jews!
Yeah!
L'chaim!
Hey! I'm gonna get me a Jew card
next time I get broke enough to have to work.
(laughs)
L'chaim, y'all!
I tried to research Hannukah,
but has y'all ever tried to read that Jewish writin'?
It's hard.!
It like give me a migraine to try to read it.
You know like when you go to the mall
and you try to look at them posters
that's like 3D-
like a wolf or a unicorn or somethin' like that,
and you gotta like cross your eyes
to try to figure out what it is.
Oooh, that drive me crazy!
It...it's hard.
It's like that...
Jew writin' is hard.
(burp)
Has y'all ever notice how them foreign accents-
People always sound like they tryin' to spit on you?
That piss me off.
Okay, I'm a little off track.
So my Jew friend, Stacy,
she sends me a text to explain
what Jew Christmas is all about.
Alright, so she say 'it's a festival of lights
commemmoratin' detractation of the holy temple-'
That's Jew for church, y'all.
'-in Jerusalem...'
Wherever that is.
'-at the time...'
Some word with a lot of weird letters in it.
Anyways...
Alright, Jews lights a menorum...
It's a big old long candle holder.
Y'all seem them-
They always 90 percent off at the party stores
cause there ain't much Jews around these parts.
Plus, they likes discounts,
so it's a win-win.
And also, I think-
Now, I might be wrong here,
but I think that Hannukah is the only-est time
that Jews can eat ham and bacon
and shit like that
cause all them blessings they hollerin' out,
that's supposed to cover their ass
during this week-long party.
It's kind of like Catholics gettin' forgiven
after they come out of their coffin boxes.
Anyways, in honor of me gettin' all
multicultural up in this mother fucker,
here is eight things that I just love about the Jews.
Alright, first-
Oh my God.
God, they make some kick ass cookies...
And they mostly Democrats...
And they been through some hardships
like your girl Lo here...
And they uh...
Well see, I don't know too many Jew folks...
Let's see what else...
Uhh... Uhh...
Oh!
They like the desert
and I like goin' to Myrtle Beach!
And umm...
Goddamnit.
(slaps)
So that's all the time we have today!
We'll get to the other half of this list
next time we do another Hannukah special.
You know, every other leap yea
and it's rainin' outside
and Mercury done got itself in retrograde.
Baruch Ani Oh Holy Nights, y'all.
And that's How I Seize It.