How I Seize It #63: "The Middle East"

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Hey!
It's time for another history lesson
here on How I Seize It,
curtsy of your gal, Loretta Jenkins.
Now the goddamn cable is out
cause the cable company done found out
I got my illegal receiver up there.
I had to go on over to the VW to watch television and
how come they got the right to come
in and say what's legal and whatnot anyways.
Huh?
Yeah-
YEAH!
Yeah.
I mean ain't I protected by the
searchy seizure?
Oooh!
That made me so goddamn mad.
So all I's been able to pick up on the boobytubes
is these fuzzy Mexican soap operas...
...and I gotta be especially drunk to follow them...
...and Fox...News.
So I tolerate about as much as that
'Ying Yang Ting Tong
Bling Blang
Rosa Maria'
I can stands
and then I turned it on the news
and did y'all know they still
ain't no peace in the Middle East?
What'd I even go over there for?
I mean, they don't even remember me.
They don't even think they know who I are.
They just calls me like an old drunk-
An alkeeholik...and then I-
Y'all didn't know what I had to do over there...
(cries)
YOU DON'T KNOW!
(cries)
But anyways...
We been talkin' about this way back since
we only had three channels...
Back in the olden days,
where you didn't even have no remote.
You had to get your fat ass
up off the potato couch
and go over there and
change it with your own hand
and walk back and you couldn't
pause it and go piss and all that shit
and we STILL don't have nothin' since therefore
to be newsie on?
It just make me so damn mad I can't stand it.
This world is borin' as fuck as far as Lo concerned.
Mmm!
Y'all watch this-
I figured I could do this-
See my camouglage thing here?
I can poke it in my beer hole.
(burps)
Aint that incredible?
I just amaze myself sometimes.
You too?
Huh?
For all y'all youngins out there
whose like hates sittin' down in your history class
and listenin' drone on and on and on about shit...
Let me just break it down real simple here
what these hoity-toity-faloity newsie bitches
means when they talkin' about the Middle East conflicts.
Remember when Hitler's like,
"I'm gonna kill all you Jews!
And make us all whites!"
-even though most of us was all whites.
Umm...
That don't make no sense.
And them that's what's like runned off
or escaped from a concentration camp,
then they really starts to thinkin'
that might be what they Bible fortold
and they supposed to be like Moses
like wanderin' around in the desert...
Sweaty and hot...
And camels spit at them,
and it's hard to see from the dirt storm,
and they see melages...you know...
That looked like they was gonna drink
some water but there ain't no water.
Hey!
When the Jews moved there,
it turned them all brown!
And then they get all extradited
from they sand land,
and then-
(singing)
"It's the Circle of Life!
And the Jews Come on Home...
And the Lions and Tigers and Bears...
...and bears and...
...and they Jews...come on..."
And I think that's when the United Nations
jecked that Jerusalems away
and they made this place called Saltines.
They made the Jews
live right next to the Muslims-
Like next door neighbors!
-and wasn't no side happy!
Neither one of them shut up!
And you can't get elected unless
you a friend of Roosalem
and I don't know...
Shit, I don' t know-
Let's just let them all kill each other!
And then we'll have one less thing
for folks to bitch about in this world.
Just you all been thinkin' it.
You know Lo will say it out loud!
Fuck it!
That's how you get some mother fuckin' world peace!
Just leave us and our American problems alone...
Shit!
Can't we not get a Navy Seal
or a True Blood G. I. Joe American mother fucke
to go in there in Iran
and just take out this Ama...
Amalikki-
I think that singer Kid Rock sang a song about it.
It's like,
"Amadikki-
Dom Dikki..
Domma Domma Dommalikkilikki...
Dom...Likki?"
Yeah!
Let's sniper that sumbitch!
Point me the way!
I was in Desert Storm!
I hate sand!
I hate camels!
I hate them things that they wears on they heads!
I...uh...
Huh?
I'm sorry. That was rude.
If you just look at a map,
or listen at the news at all these
countries where's all these battles
and excursions and suicide bombs-
That's where all the troublemakers are!
They wanna mess around with that nuclear shit?
Let them blow theyselves up to smithereens!
I don't give a fuck!
As soon as we find an energy source
that's ain't dependent on the foreign oil,
we ought to just ignore them all together,
or wipe them out!
Just like-
(mock explosion)
Hiroshima style!
Just that mushroom thing that-
(mock explosion)
Don't you fuck with my America.
Course we all can't be as free thinkin'
and as to the point as i am,
so I expect that in about 30 years or so,
we still gonna be talkin' about this
uber-stoop tardiness...
Ain't that some shit!
Hopefully I be dead by then,
and then you idgits gonna be the ones
that have to deal with it.
(laughs)
And that's How I Seize It.
(laughs)
Something's on me!
Ahhhhh!