How I Seize It #12: "Mormons"

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Hey!
Y'all knows the drill.
Loretta Jenkins.
How I Seize It.
Got a surprise for y'all today.
For the first time ever,
How I Seize It
is comin' to you in
High Defalusion!
Alright enough of that good stuff...
Lemme tell y'alls,
these dumb mother fuckers I'm fixin' to talk about today
really blows my gaskets-
Pisses them off!
This is the scourge of the new society.
Naw.
I meant to say
this is the new scourge of society.
MORMONS!
Heh!
You know what them idgits believe?
These some stoop mother fuckers.
Do you know that God was some alien monster
that shot his creation all over the universe
and the human part landed on the Earth
and that's how we got here?
Well I am so glad to be informed.
I had no idear that God was E. T.
I must have missed the part of the bible
that said Jesus and the Devil was brothers.
Now you would have think we would have heard about that.
That just seems purty important
to leave out of the real good book.
And these fake ass Christians,
they think that blacks is descendants of the Devil
What kind of racist shit is that?
I mean, y'all worship 'aliens'
and you got the nerve to say that blacks is black
cause they sons of Satan.
(scoffs)
I'm pretty sure autistic childrens
is smarter than these nuckfudgets.
Oh!
And they said they only give $1,000
to Preparation H-
Preposition 8-
Propagate!
But what kind of message is you sendin'
with your 47 wives
that looks like homely Little House on the Prairie extras.
Yeah, you wanna sanctify marriage.
Yeah and just have marriage between
a man and a woman and a woman and a woman
and so on and moreforth.
Y'all ever notice how them Mormon women is fugly?
They can't get a whole man by theyself,
so they gotta share one
with 20 other fugly bitches.
(laughs)
(coughs)
They come all friendly to your door,
but believe you me...
If the Mormons ran the world,
they'd throw the darks and the queers
in the gas chamber first!
If y'all Mormons don't wanna recognize the gay marriages,
that's fine and dandy,
but all that means is that all us 'sane folks'
don't gotta recognize your creepy religion neither-
Neither!
Caprice?
Now y'all I ain't got but one gay renter, Stephon.
He is hot to look at,
and the other night I got him drunk enough
to kiss the top of my titty.
I'm gonna get him converted one day,
it's just gonna take the right combination
of Jack and ruffees.
If Loretta can't turn them,
they really for real really gay.
Some of them sunsabitches come up to my doo
at some God-awful time...
...somethin' like noon or some shit!
And do y'all know
that they don't give each other presents?
And did y'all know
they don't gots no birthdays neither?
How the hell you supposed to celebrate Christmas
without no Christmas tree
or lights or tinsel or reindee
or stockings or icecicles or snowballs-
How y'all have no Christmas without no snow?
Utah is a fuckin' desert!
They ain't got no electricity neither!
That's what I heard!
That don't seem very Christian-like to me.
God said don't be buildin' idols and shit,
and I think that goes for your crazy Utah temples, too.
I didn't think that temples
was for nobody but
Jews and Muslins anyway.
I think Mormons is kinda like terrorists
except they polite
and don't blow shit up...
Yeah...
Oh!
And they got this prophet.
His name is John Smith-
Can't get more generic than that!
And they worship him
just like Jesus and God just the same.
This dude was a 'treasure hunter'
and known for tellin' 'tall tales.'
Well hell,
I think I'm gonna worship me a squirrel,
cause I found me some gold sheets
that says they was sacred.
All Hail The Squirrel.
ALL HAIL THE SQUIRREL!!!
Huh huh...
Sumbitches is stupider than a Sarah Palin baby.
That's How I Seize It!