Jonathan loves two things: Donations for Pulse Victims, and 'Game of Thrones.'... more »

Full Credits

Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Scout Durwood
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Mark Rennie, Gilli Nissim, Matt Mazany
Lead Editor - Joan Ford
Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy
Director of Photography - Matt Sweeney
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Jenn Cohen
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser

Transcript

Jonathan Van Ness: Whoo, girl... Scout did you watch
Game of Thrones this week?
Scout Durwood: Am I with her?
[snaps]
[theme music]
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: So, at the
beginning we have Baby K-Stew
Jonathan Van Ness: who is very injured,
so she did the right thing, and
Jonathan Van Ness: went straight to a professional, actress.
Scout Durwood: Which makes sense, like
when I broke my ankle,
Scout Durwood: I went directly to Debra Messing.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: But then after that, they [...] started to
sound eerily like Paul Simon's plastic surgeon.
[Female #1]: Do you have a hard
time finding left what I did to her face?
[Ghostbusters theme music]
Jonathan Van Ness: But then, Dog the Bounty Hunter took a page
out of baby Beyoncé's book, and he was like,
Jonathan Van Ness: ♪ Hold up
They don't love you like I love you ♪
Beyoncé: ♪ Back up
They don't love you like I love you ♪
Beyoncé: ♪ Step down
They don't love you like I love you ♪
You're shit at dying, you know that?
Scout Durwood: Scout: Then Beast-3PO must be on Spring break
because he was poppin' tops left to right.
[can opening]
Had to use violence?
Scout Durwood: Scout: Brother D and Tilda are working
together to make Westeros great again,
Scout Durwood: and I'm like, is this the Notebook,
because they are giving off Nicholas Sparks.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And I was just right there with used
car salesman shipping them to hook up.
You think they're fucking?
I'd fuck her. You'd fuck her wouldn't you?
You're the one with my dick cooked.
Scout Durwood: And they were perfectly
proportioned for a standing 69.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And then Munchers
waxes [inaudible] about his life dreams.
I'd like to have my own vignette,
make my own wine,
The Imp's Delight.
-Scout: They'd sell Westeros rosé.
-Pinot Greyscale.
Scout Durwood: Estabonnay.
Jonathan Van Ness: If you have a girl on a budget, you
can always go for the Braavos box wine.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: But then next,
Marin County is under siege
Jonathan Van Ness: by the [inaudible] plantation owners.
Jonathan Van Ness: But then all the good little
baby sleigh boys and girls are
Jonathan Van Ness: about to have their
Christmas wishes come true.
♪ Up on a rooftop a dragon [inaudible]
In thru the window comes, Christina Aguilera ♪
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And then Dog the
Bounty Hunter, he happens upon
Jonathan Van Ness: Phil Collins and his
homegirls from Genesis, and
Jonathan Van Ness: they all decide to do a
little hanging out together.
-[thud]
-[gagging, gasping]
Scout Durwood: Scout: And just like my
Aunt Joni at an estate sale,
Scout Durwood: she heads straight for the boots.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: Then back in
St. Elsewhere Baby K-Stew wakes up
Jonathan Van Ness: from her Requiem for a Dream,
only to find out that
Jonathan Van Ness: Blonde Ellen Page is channeling full T-1000.
-[metal whirring]
-[beeps, blips]
♪ ♪
Scout Durwood: Scout: And Baby K-Stew
is doing San Francisco right!
Scout Durwood: She's hitting the farmers market.
Scout Durwood: She's cruising the bath house.
Scout Durwood: She's even putting
herself on a juice cleanse.
Scout Durwood: And finally, she goes girl on girl.
♪ ♪
Scout Durwood: And at the end, Baby K-Stew
finally gives the empowerment
Scout Durwood: zinger we've been
waiting 2 seasons for.
A girl as I, a [inaudible] of
Winterfell, and I'm going home.
Jonathan Van Ness: A girl as Jonathan Van Ness
of Brentwood California, and I'm going
Jonathan Van Ness: to make this hair look sickening.
Scout Durwood: You're from Brentwood? That's fancy.
Jonathan Van Ness: Ow girl, you're giving me
some Kinvara Red Priestess realness.
Scout Durwood: Where are...
Jonathan Van Ness: my dragons?
Jonathan Van Ness: As a country and a
community our hearts were broken by this
Jonathan Van Ness: senseless act of violence that
was committed in Orlando this weekend.
Jonathan Van Ness: Hopefully we can
come together as a group,
Jonathan Van Ness: and help our brothers and sisters get
through this senseless act of violence.
Scout Durwood: So please support the fund for the
survivors of the Pulse shootings GoFundMe.
Scout Durwood: You can find a link for
that in our description.

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