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Here whut on the table mens…We can fuck or…well Iont know what much else is dare? Don... more »
Published February 13, 2013 810 views More Info »
Well, it's about that time of year, I reckon.
Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.
I'm in mourning cause
love is dead.
But I'm tryin' to keep it festive
so none of y'all will pull the trigge
while you watchin'.
To all you new viewers out there,
I'm kinda random,
so bare with me here.
I do end up making a
pretty good point most days.
Y'all wanna know my secret recipe
for a good Valentime's concoction?
A trusty vibrato
and a Valleytime's smoothie.
That's two parts ice,
four parts bourbon,
generous splash of grenadine,
a clump of cotton candy-
fully dissolved-
to help chase them winter sniffles
and heartbreak away,
whatever ail ya.
And if your ex come by,
there's this flower
that you can mix.
Put it in there
and it'll give him a heart attack.
Learnt that from my murderin' homeboy
Dexter on the Showtimes.
The only thing they ever got right
about Valleytime's Day is that
it's in January or February...
One of them.
What month it be, huh?
Sometimes, I don't even think
nobody is listenin'
and I'm just sittin' here
a-talkin' into a camera lens.
Can you hear me now?
I don't really care.
I'm glad it's in the winter.
My heart ain't nothin'
but a barely pumpin'
chunk of ice anyways!
I don't care.
Now y'all know from Valleytimes past
that I ain't really all that
lucky in the lane of love as of late,
so I developed a rule
to protect my heart
and I'm gonna live by it
til the day I die,
and probably in the afterlife, too!
You can pound the shit
out of the things down here,
but this icy core is off limits!
Has y'all ever dated one of them people
who HAS to be touchin' you?
Just every second
they gotta find some way
to be up on you?
Like you sit on one end of the couch
and he find some strange,
bendable way to make
some kind of physical contact with you.
Or you're like
six inches away from him
and they like all,
"Why you so far away?"
Far Away?!?
I could hit you with my titty from HERE!
Contrary to popular belief,
I ain't a slut.
In school,
I was voted Least Codependent,
and I'm really proud of that.
Shit, I'll never just pair off with one dude,
cause I just couldn't look forward
to the same dick, day in, day out.
In and Out and
Sides, my shit blowin' up hardcore right now
I hardly got time for quickies.
I'll fit them in.
I said hardly.
And that's a crime,
cause I'm built for like them
Olympic-style, marathon fuck sessions.
Yeah, uh...
Hell, I don't hardly look forward
to the same dick I had last week.
Lessen it's perfect like Ol' John Holmes.
Man, I wish that pecker was still alive...
And clean...
You need a spectacular specimen
to be able to open up the pearly gates
of my holiest of holies.
Y'all, monogamy be for the birds.
I'm more like a bee
buzzin' from flower to flower.
I'm usin' flower as a cock metaphor, y'all.
The onliest animal that is monogamous
is a goddamn penguin.
Do I look like some
sumbitchin' penguin to you?
Has y'all seen where these homely,
heifer Sister Wives has said
they approve of gay relationships?
Yeah, like queers has them!
You bitches better keep you
Mormon poisonous views
over there in your own multiple backyards!
Shoo fly, don't bother me!
I maybe could do an open relationship.
Long as you're hung enough!
And we don't label it nothin' official.
And we both fuck whoever we want.
And you don't gimme the clap.
And mind your own goddamn business.
And don't be callin' me up
in the middle of the night.
And as long as you don't
expect me to use the 'L-Word,'
or do the 'L-Word' with another twat in the room.
Cause somebody always gets jealous
in them scenarios,
and I ain't tryin' to have
a bunch of goddamn
motherfuckin' drama!
Shit, I'm just tryin' to live life
and get famous, okay?
This ain't gonna work.
This ain't gonna work!
Every goddamn time!
For reals, fuck off.
And that's How I Seize It.
I hope you're watchin' this one, motherfucker.
I wish I could
Eternally Sunshine your ass
out of my brain.
You know who I'm talkin' to.
Peace, bitches...