How I Seize It #84: "Honey Boo Boo"

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Hey!
Loretta Jenkins here,
present and counted for.
And today I am chock full of hard liquo
and opinionations, as per usual,
with another How I Seize It
for all you folks out there in-
(coughs)
-TV land.
Now I know I already bitched my heart out
when I was talkin' on that Toddler & Tiaras afore
and I don't right likely like to repeat myself,
but since they wrote that little
glitzed up piggy, Alana,
a spin-off show,
I'm gonna have to dedicate a whole HISI
to this Honey Boo Boo Chile.
I made a mental note that ever since
they let that Bret Michaels and Flavor Flav
troll for cooch on live TV,
all our young gals start dressin' too sexy
and gettin' gang-banged in pool halls-
That's what happens when you let
that kind of impropriety on the air!
Y'all that shit trickle down.
It trickle down to the littlest of innocents.
Shit, she ain't really all that little,
let's just keep it reals here.
Now we celebratin' unlearned redneck
dumbfuckness by the buttload
and given this Honey Boo Boo family
they own goddamn show.
(spits)
I mean WTF,
I deserve fame more than
this cluster of idgit bitches!
And what's this show doin' on the network
The Lernya Channel?
I mean, what the fuck you supposed
to learn from these assholes?
Did my-
Shit.
Did my titty just pop out right now?
The SCC been after me for some of my
costume and wardrobe mis-malfunctions lately
cause it seems that some of y'all
has brung attention to my titties.
I can't help that they this big and-
Big and soft.
Have y'all ever looked at 'em real good?
I know y'all have.
Cause y'all posted on it.
That's alright.
If I don't make youlaugh and I don't make you smart,
then at least I can get you off.
Cheers, Whores!
That little Boo Boo Child,
she don't never win nothin'
no way in these competitions
'cept for Fattest Ass!
Oh wait, I think they did give her Nicest Smile
on one of them I watched,
but that's just the condolence prize
they give to the ugly fatties.
It's like how we don't have outs no more
in kiddle baseball
in case your kid suck
and he can still get on the base?
That's dumb-tarded if you ask me.
Has y'all ever seen their eatin' habits?
I mean no wonder their momma's
two feathers shy of a dump truck
and can't climb nothin'!
I think the next time her momma
be servin' up bacon,
which is about every four hours
judgin' by they waistlines...
They ought to sprinkle some glitte
on little old Fatty Ass Boo Boo's plate
and then whenever she's got herself
a big ol' mouthful of bacon bits,
tell her it's her pet pig Glitzy!
(laughs)
That'd punk her little fat ass!
(laughs, coughs)
Aww man, that'd be good.
Eww!
And they make that nasty sketti
with pasta and ketchup and mayonnaise.
Them is condiments, y'all!
Them ain't in no food groups!
Hell, I ain't even an eater
and I know that much.
That bitch needs to watch her
some episodes of Chopped
and learn her some new cookin' recipes.
Geez, Peez, Frickazees!
And how that Ol' June get preggers anyways?
I mean, she probably gotta get all them
older youngins to lift up her fupa
so that Daddy Sugar Bea
can get his tiny little ginger pecke
up in that big fat twat to jizz it up!
I don't know.
Maybe they got some kind of
industrial turkey baster for that.
Goddamn, now I done got that
sugarplum vision dancin' in my head
for all eternity!
Way to go, me.
Who may I ask is still stickin' they dicks
in these fat ass redneck heifers anyway?
This is the side effect from
outlawin' rednecks from porkin' they livestock.
Cause instead, mens just goes out
and finds them the human equivalent
of pigs and cows to fuck.
But that's just me,
recognizing science and Darmanism and shit.
I mean, how shallow a gene pool got to be
to birth yourself a six-fingered baby!
Hell, I'd have chucked that youngin' down the chute
if they hadn't been willin' to cut that extra digit off.
Six fingers?
Makes you wonder how many limbs
off the tree the baby daddy is!
I mean, I ain't no dermatologist,
but that's just Basic Imbreedin' 101 to me.
And now, teen momma Chickadee
has decided she don't wanna
be on the show nomores.
Just blur or black box
that ungrateful bitch out.
Where else she gonna get such an easy payday?
Slingin' hash down at the greasy spoon?
Snubbin' her nose at free money!
Fuckin' Commie!
She probably don't want them cameras
followin' her around documentin'
what a slutty cum-dump she be!
But I may have had a change of heart
on this Fatty Doohicky.
I seen where she real supportive on the gays
on a count her uncle fucked this poodle once.
She ought to make some queer
a right good faggity hag one of these days.
I guess you alright in my books, after all.
And that's How I Seize It.
Nuckle Nocks, Honey Boo Boo!
BAM!
Stupid bitch!
I hope you get sugar diabetes!