RED FACTION Parker, explaining the beginnings of his adventures on Mars. His trip... more »

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April 05, 2010


Parker: Mars... You'd think going to a different planet would be awesome. But this sucks!
And to answer David Bowie's question, yes, there is life on Mars, but you can't really call it intelligent!

Guard: OI! Beat that miner!

Parker: *smack* OW! *smack* Fuck! *smack* Shit! *smack* Son of a bitch! That hurt! Yeah, I hope you get cancer!
Anyway, where was I?
So anyway, the flight was pretty cool. The shuttle was... Kinda big... In-flight movies, y'know, the works. Free food...
But yeah, one guy vomited, and his vomit just flew around the shuttle, since there's no gravity. It was kinda funny 'cos it hit someone in the face.

So we arrived on Mars, got shown to our rooms and god, they are so shit! There's like 8... 10 people in these rooms! There's no room to breathe!
And then there's these douche bags who sleep on the job!
Well... Wait... I don't think they're actually sleeping.
Of course, I still think they're arseholes!

OW Fuck! Just... Go jump off a cliff! Just... I'm trying to monologue here!

And then there's some plague, and people are dying from it. It's like, some guy owes you 50 bucks, and then he dies, and it's like... Well fuck, I'm never going to see that money again am I? I think I should hire some debt collectors.

The suits... They're kinda stuffy. They could use some air conditioning, but I guess they aren't *that* bad, though, if your visor fogs up, you're pretty much fucked.
Someone's been putting up random posters. No idea what they're about though.
Anyway. The job... The job sucks! Like, oh my god! I don't even get to drive the driller! I have to use a pick-axe! You know how shit that is?! McDonald's was a much better job! At least the douche bag customers there were kind of- you know... Manageable. And they didn't beat you.

And the guards... Man, if I had a gun, there would be no guards!
OW! Just... Fuck off!
[under his breath] I am so fucking sick of being beaten!

Oh yeah, that guy, he was caught stealing a guard's wallet. Fuck that was halarious! I don't think he got his wallet back either.

So if I had to choose between McDonald's, and Ultor, I'd definitely choose McDonald's again. Mars sucks!