Brooke Shields in Playground Tales

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Brooke Shields

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

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Brooke Shields in Playground Tales – Transcript

The video opens with a shot of children running around on a playground. A title fades in that reads – Playground Tales starring Brooke Shields. The title fades out to reveal Brooke Shields sitting on a bench with another woman.

Brooke Shields: Oh, I know. We switched out a couple months ago. Your family still eats bread?

Second woman: We do. We like bread.

Brooke Shields: Lily. Hey Lily, get down from there.

The shot cuts to a young girl standing up on the seat of a swing and then cuts back to Brooke Shields.

Brook Shields: Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Oh sure, you just put some pb and j on a wrap and you’re good to go.

Second Woman: Yeah, that sounds good. We, um, yeah, that sounds good.

Brooke Shields: Lily! What did I just say? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know that! She knows that.

The shot cuts to a young girl hanging from a bar with her hands.

Young Girl: I am checking myself. I’m not going to wreck myself.

The shot cuts back to Brooke Shields, who looks disgruntled.

Brooke Shields: John came home krunk again last night. I think that’s why she’s acting out. I really do. He never checks himself. He just goes out and then wrecks himself and then we all have to pay for it. Hey! Lily. Lily! You’re going to wreck yourself, if you don’t check yourself.

The shot cuts to the young girls, still hanging from the bar.

Young Girl: Leave me alone!

The shot cuts back to Brooke Shields, who looks shocked and appalled.

Brooke Shields: God. I tell both of them. If you don’t want to wreck yourself, check yourself. If you don’t want to wreck yourself, just take two seconds out of your day to check yourself. Because, you know, if you don’t check yourself, you’re going to wreck yourself. Unless you want to wreck yourself, then fine, don’t check yourself. Do whatever you want. You know, the thing is, I know it’s hard. I really do. I know it’s hard out there for a pimp. I do know it’s hard out there for a pimp whose trying to make some money to pay for our rent. God knows, I know.

Second Woman: What does your husband do?

Brooke Shields: He’s an accountant.

The second woman gives Brooke Shields a very confused look.

Brooke Shields: Lily! I am this close to putting down my pimp hand. We’re leaving! Come on! Get in my ride! What was your name again?

Second woman: San…Sandra.

Brooke Shields: Sandra. It was so off the hook to meet you.

Second Woman: It was great to meet you.

Brooke Shields: Bye Colonel.

Brooke Shields gets up off the bench and starts walking toward the playground.

Brooke Shields: Lily!

The shot cuts to the young girl on a swing.

Young Girl: Uh-oh. I gotta bounce.

The shot cuts to Brooke Shields and the young girl in a black Escalade with expensive rims. Lil Jon’s song, Get Low, can be heard as the Escalade drives off.

Video ends.