Attack Cardio with Vinnie Jones

Uploader

Vinnie Jones

Writer

Seth Morris

Director

Jake Szymanski

Uploader

Funny Or Die

Actor

Josh Simpson

Make Up Artist

Kat Bardot

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with a shot of Vinnie Jones walking outside wearing athletic clothing.

Vinnie Jones: I’m Vinnie Jones: actor, footballer, and personal trainer. And guess what? I’m going to kick your fat ass into shape. Yahhhh.

The words Attack Cardio with Vinnie Jones appears on screen.

Announcer (voiceover): Attack Cardio is the new physical fitness sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

The shot cuts to Vinnie Jones grabbing and yelling at Becky Feldman.

Announcer (voiceover): Sign up now and for the next two weeks, Vinnie will hunt you like a wild animal…

The shot cuts to Vinnie Jones chasing a mailman.

Announcer (voiceover): …and if he catches you, he’ll beat you to within an inch of your life. Whipping you into shape while he does it.

The shot cuts to Vinnie Jones attacking a young man while he shaves. The shot cuts to Will McLaughlin and Lennon Parham. The text – Don Pasternick Lost 10 lbs – appears beneath him.

Will McLaughlin: No more fad diets or sissy workouts for me. I’m in the best shape of my life and it’s all thanks to Vinnie…

Will McLaughlin and Lennon Parham: Vinnie, no. No, No!

Vinnie Jones comes running up and tackles Will McLaughlin.

Lennon Parham: His two weeks are up! Leave him alone.

The shot cuts to Vinnie Jones by himself. The text –Vinnie Jones Ideal Weight – appears below him.

Vinnie Jones: Diets and traditional workouts are boring. Scientific tests prove that nothing burns calories like fear. The fact that I will be chasing you down like a fat tub of lard, will burn those calories. Guaranteed.

The shot cuts to Josh Simpson sitting at a picnic table. The text – Jeff Lost 25 lbs – appears beneath Josh Simpson.

Josh Simpson: Before I started Attack Cardio workout with Vinnie Jones. All the kids as school used to make fun of me about my weight.

Vinnie Jones can be seen sneaking up on Josh Simpson from behind.

Josh Simpson: Not anymore. I lost 25 pounds and took the cutest girl in school to the prom.

Vinnie Jones puts Josh Simpson into headlock.

Vinnie Jones: You didn’t shag her, though, did you four eyes?

Josh Simpson (choking): I tried.

Vinnie Jones: What?

Josh Simpson: I’m sorry Mr. Jones, I tried to agghh…

The shot cuts to Vinnie Jones by himself.

Vinnie Jones: If you’ve got the guts, I’ll pound the calories out of you.

Vinnie Jones enters a conference room. Bob Turton is shown, bruised and bandaged.

Vinne Jones: Ok Bob, are we ready to start?

Bob Turton: Oh, come on Vinnie. I’m at work man. Vinnie! No, no, Vinnie, no!

Vinnie grabs Bob Turton and slams him face down against the conference room table and begins beating him. The text – Bob Turton Lost 126 lbs – appears beneath them.

Other people in the room, including Joe Hartzler, begin shouting at Vinnie Jones to stop and freaking out in general. Chad Carter pulls out his phone and begins to take pictures.

Chad Carter: I’m taking your picture. I’m taking your picture.

The shot cuts to images of DVD covers that read Attack Cardio with Vinnie Jones. The text – OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY 1-555-ATAK – can be seen at the bottom on the screen.

Announcer (voiceover): Order now and you’ll receive Vinnie’s workout DVDs at no extra charge. Over six hours of detailed instruction on how to complement your workout with exciting exercises like…

The shot cuts to still image of Vinnie Jones looking insane next to text that reads: Order now OPERATOR ARE STANDING BY 1-555-ATAK. Crashing is heard.

Announcer (voiceover): What? What are you doing?

Vinnie Jones (voiceover): I’m here for you fatty.

Announcer (voiceover): Oh. You can’t be here. This is a sound studio. Stop it! Ow! Security! Security!

Vinnie Jones (voiceover): I am security!

The still image bounces around the screen and a moment of static occurs before the video ends.