I'm the REAL Loretta Jenkins
in all my scintillating glory
keeping you up to date
on all the new-fangly things
they is out here in the world!
And just so we clear-
Look at me!
I AM LORETTA JENKINS!
You better memorize this face
cause it's gonna be
lightin' up the billboards
one of these days.
Anybody out there sayin' they me?
Fuck, they lyin'!
Posin' as a famous person
ought to be grounds for murder, I swear!
Well I'm just about ready to think
we ought to just pack up this internet idea
and go back to the old-fashioned world.
I ain't talking about pissin' in pots
and dyin' from plagues and shit-
I ain't talkin' about that.
Not THAT far back.
But wasn't we happier in a simpler time, y'all?
I miss Old House On The Prairie.
Y'all member when Mary went blind?
Why do I let Hollywood
put me in such mood swings?
So I was flipping through
the four million cable channels the other day,
and I seen this picture show
I thought it was about fishin.
It was called "Catfish."
Y'all, that ain't no fishin' show!
They just two closet queer brothers
chasin' down underage gals on the innernets
They ought to be on that Catch-A-Predator show.
Probably to sell them
to one of they sexual torture hostels
from whatever foreign land they from.
Don't they kinda look like the Bostum Bombers?
They needs to be on a No-Fly List, pronto!
The question on everybody's minds ought to be,
What is this grown man friendquestin'
on a 8-year old girl onlines for?
Don't nobody find that weird?
They need to go thru that sumbitches' hard drive
and see what else he got hidin' away she sent him.
Nasty child-bride, fuckin' preverts!
Everybody in this story
is like the saddest person alive!
How daggum depressin' does your life gotta be,
for you to be pretending' you somebody else
on the lines, Caprice?
If you is runnin' Facebook profiles that's fake.
just kill yourself,
I don't know what to tell ya.
If your life is that sad, just-
I wish that movie had a better ending,
like the Jim Jones story.
So we could have less dumbasses
using up our precious resources.
Mother Nature wants us to take these bitches out!
Hey, I let some dude come film me on the internets once
but that shit's just uploaded on X-Tube somewhere.
I'll post that shit someday if I feel like I want y'all
to see me being that sexy.
I got on a Darth Vader mask,
that's how you can tell it's me.
But you can probably recognize my tittes.
I got an extra biography for my tittes, y'all.
Maybe they ought to take that shit to Cannes.
That film festival.
Cause if this Catfish retard can make a buck off his idea,
there's hope for us all!
And not only did some motherfucke
give them money for a movie,
they gotta drag this shit out on a MTV-VETO show!
Cause there isn't enough dumb shit
out there for us to watch!
Hey there's this one time
when we first got the internets around here.
I was in this chatroom called
I was like alright!
I'll give THIS a-go!
Cause finding fuckbuds in the back
of a Penny Save
was proven' too tawdry for my tastes!
So this dude sends me a picture
of his big ole slab of back fat tallywhacker,
and I was like
"Alright, I'll Be Right There!"
And I pulled up
and he said "Just come on in."
He'd be a-waitin' for me.
And I find out why!
This sumbitch was like 80 or something!
It'd take him a whole fucking hou
just to get to the door!
I be sitting there at the door like,
"Is your Big-Dicked grandson here?"
He just smiled back
and fiddling with something there in his pocket.
I don't know if it was a wad of cash,
his wrinkly raisin-cock,
or a goddamn Star Trek phaser.
Shit, I high-tailed it OUT of there!
I wasn't gonna be no statistic!
I mean if anybody is gonna teach you to Catfish
it is me, bitches!
I been cat-fistin' y'all for years now!
Y'all thinking' I'm a real goddamn person.
It's mostly all y'all Eastern European bitches over there.
I don't know what you got against me,
but fuck you assholes!
Ain't no bigger Catfish than me
and that's How I Seize It!
I'm Cinda McCain.
And you can catch me this Fall
on ABC's Nashville's 2nd season
as 'Carrie Franklin,'
Juliette Barnes' childhood babysitter.
I hope you will-
Get out of me,
you Fame-Hungry, Bitch!