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So yew git lock up in a fancy house fur three munths an yew git a cool halfa mill... more »
Published May 09, 2013 560 views More Info »
Hey!
This here's Loretta Jenkins
servin' you up some How I Seize It realness
in my never-ending quest for fame.
I found me another one of them TV social games
to go on and get me more famous
and a whole lotta goddamn money!
I gotta get me in this Big Brother house-
For real, no joke, I ain't even kiddin'!
Let America vote on this!
Yeah!
I am just surgin' with popularity right now.
Y'all know I got over a thousand Facebook friends?
I only fucked about half
a fourth of them.
I'm trendin'.
People are Facebookin' about me,
Googlin' me!
It's just an excitin' time.
Next thing you know,
I'm gonna have me a church.
It's all about seizin' powe
and manipulatin' folks
and backstabbin' on your best friend,
usin' peoples like puppets
and startin' drama.
It is everything I love about bein' alive!
(Hums 'Stayin' Alive.)
I always wonder where somebody go
when they wanna rub one out!
That's the kinda shit I think about.
I wonder how much it'd cost
to get somebody to skyscrape you across LA-
Umm...
Not skyscrape.
Shit...
Skywalker?
Alright, Lo...
No more beer 'til you get this right-
SKYDIVE!
Skydive...
How much a bill would it ring up
to get somebody to like skydive you
over to the CVS lot
and just let you off
in the Big Brother backyard?
I always miss the application deadline,
so I got to find me a backup plan
to get me into the show.
I might just hire me one of them
wineyard cropdusters, you know...
Jump out a plane,
parachute down,
La, la, la, la, la...
I might even fuck me one of them
good-lookin' bungee jumper instructors
on the way down.
You never know with Lo...
And then just float on over to the CBS-
Try not to get shot down
by the NR-Double ARP
and then when I get close to the power lines,
I just let go and drop my ass
in they pool.
Simple when you think on it.
(burps)
I wonder what the rules are on this.
I need to friendquest that Julie Chenbot
and ask her to clear that up for us,
unless you too snooty to be my friend!
I think if you can find a way
to sneak into the house
then you ought to be able to play!
I tell you what,
I would rule that roost
with an iron fist full of Coors Light!
Here's just a few reasons
why I would rock that house inside out.
FIrst off,
I play dirty and I don't give shits.
I'll swear on my momma grave
cause she a dirty whore
that stole my fuckbud boyfriend,
so what the fuck do I care anyway, huh?
Rot In Hell, Heifer!
(spits)
And secondly,
I would make a great houseguest
cause I ain't never told the truth in my life.
Why should I?
It ain't they goddamn business!
Mind your own life.
Nosy whores.
Thirdly,
I will put my hand on a bible
and swear on anything to anyone
cause I don't believe but about
20% of what's in it anyways.
You think a girl let her titties
hang out like I do
have morals and shit?
(laughs)
No.
Fourthly,
I don't play hard to get,
so as soon as I get a couple of the mens
to drill me up the HOH,
they'll be pussy-whipped
all the way to the jury house.
Shit...
I put the 'ho' in HOH.
I'm a goddamn supervillain
in my Average Joe day!
And I ain't gonna freak out
if my teammates has to eat that slop,
cause I done learnt in Girl Scouts
how to recycle my urine
with a coffee filter,
so I'll just use that shit I learnt
and get real drunk on days of competitions
so I can maintain my focus
and keep my gameface on.
Here's my strategy to win.
Let all them Alpha Males just join up togethe
and then take them out,
less of course you need a fuckbuddy.
Cause look,
if you got more than two dudes hangin' out
and you put your ear up to the doo
and you don't hear you no-
(sucking noises)
Uhhh...they MIGHT be in an alliance!
If you ain't got a gaggle of strippers
or a Super Bowl to roar over,
what the fuck's two straight dudes
got to talk about noway except
how to vote your ass out of the house?
Then, take out the dumb gals,
cause they always a secret rocket scientist.
And then, take out the showmances
cause only MY pussy reign supreme
up in this BB Kingdom!
Surround yourself with the geek,
the weak,
the non-whites,
and the ugly gal with all the tattoos.
Wrangle in them little lambs,
and then take out your clippers
and shear off their votes
and when it comes they time,
just lead them off to the slaughter.
And vote off the Jesus freaks,
cause they ain't no fun.
I don't hardly never like nobody they pick to go on.
Probably a smoke-filled room
full of Hollywood Power Jews-
Got they little checklist...
Give us ONE flamboyant homosexual,
but just the one-
No, not a Lesbian.
Cause they score low in test groups,
and let's face it, they kinely ugly.
Gimme eight smokin' hotties
and muscleheads
from the MTV Spring Break extras...
Toss in a redneck.
Maybe an Asian...
Have we had a redneck Asian?
And a black!
Got to have one of the colors in there,
but make sure they talk good.
This ain't the Bad Girls' Club!
Now union rules states,
that every once and a while
we gots to have someone over 40.
And leave a slot open for somebody
who actually auditioned for the show!
But don't worry,
we'll make sure they get voted off first!
Wink, wink...
And that's How I Seize It!
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