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I mussamit I had my reservayshuns on diss show cause everthang on tv complete crap... more »
Published May 01, 2014 230 views More Info »
Today on How I Seize It,
your Gal-With-The-Wow
is here to share with you
her new obsession.
Alright, I know most times
when I'm reviewing somethin'
I'm on the Hate Train.
Woo woo!
But not this time!
Y'all there ain't nothing to hate
on this new Orange Is Black show-
Blacks In Orange show.
What is it?
It's that best show on TV,
but it ain't on TV.
I don't know how the hell
they circumvent them FCPC rules.
Aww naw, it's on the Netflix.
You know they got two good shows
and about 5,000 movies
don't nobody wanna watch.
That's why they free.
If you hadn't heard of it,
Netflix is what killed all the Blockbusters.
Cause all them other video stores
died off wheneve
they start havin' the internet porn.
And didn't nobody need no back room
to get they skin flicks from…
And I was glad on that,
cause they's a few neighborhood youngins
around here
I wouldn't want them to come across
a couple of them titles.
So this show,
it come from the gal
that done the Weeds show.
I like it for a while,
til it got stoop.
Ganja I think her name is?
Man, she does good stories.
Not like fuckin' Dexter,
what'll keep you on the edge of your seat
for just years and years and years and years
and then kick you in the proverbial balls
in the last two minutes.
How could y'all do that?
Anyway my friend Flicka
come over last night
and we binge-watched this show.
I'm up for bingin' anything…
Binge drinkin'…
Binge & Purgin'…
I mean, not that I eat.
But sometimes I might wanna
fit into a nice dress,
so you know-
(vomit sound)
Gotta do what you gotta do
to be purty!
So the thing start and I'm like,
"Aww God, this is one of them
goddamn lesbian prison movies."
Ain't but two minutes in
and they's some black gal
fondlin' some other gal's titties.
And I was like,
"Flicka, are you tryin' to seduce me?"
It ain't gonna work.
She's goin' thru the menopause
and that's what takes away your femalinity.
and sometimes you turn into a man-
Sometimes you grow whiskers
and get pot bellies and ew-
All kinds of awfulness.
Lord, hopefully Jesus will take me home
before that happen.
And she was like,
"Naw, naw! Just watch the show."
And I have to admit,
if you can get through
that half-hour opening credit sequence
and all the simulated lesbian sex,
it's a cool-ass show.
So this main character-
she like this tight-ass white bitch-
and she was like lesbian
for just a little while.
She one of them L.U.G.S.
Lesbian Until Graduation.
She must be one of them gender-flexibles.
I don't know,
she just seem like
a plain old whore to me.
I mean, I'd have to be in prison
for at least a yea
before I'd consider lettin' some bitch
muff-dive on me.
I can just take care of myself for a while.
I tell you what,
I wouldn't mind gettin' locked up
in this facility.
Cause them two security guards?
That Pornstache and that peg-leg cutie.
Y'all feel free to come DP me
for two to twenty to life!
All you want, man!
So thankfully, there's some real sex
to balance out all that girl-on-girl.
Cause these ain't polished-up
big-tittied blonde bimbo sex gals
we talkin' about.
This is full-on bull dagga scissor action!
This one gal at the Sak-N-Sudz
said I talk like Pennsyltucky
and I back-handed he
and then I realize
she's talkin' about my accent.
She wasn't tryin' to label me
no meth-toothed Jesus freak.
I bought her a 40 and we good.
I reckon I'm gonna have to
work on my outbursts sometime soon.
You know if I go back to prison again,
I'm probably gonna get solitary
for as much as I run my mouth.
If you need a good show
to get into besides HISI,
a close 2nd gonna be this Orange show.
It's funny and dramatic
and at the end of every episode,
you lookin' around for your remote goin'
"No! No! More, more!
You know,
how any of my fuckbuds are
after they make their O-face.
They always want more.
I got an addictive pussy.
Voodoo pussy.
Hey y'all leave a comment
on who your favorite character is.
I'm torn cause I'm most like Crazy Eyes,
cause I will drop trou and piss on ya
I don't give a shit who you are.
And I'm a lot like Red,
cause I don't hardly neve
let a bitch get one over on me.
That's what I love about this show.
It's got a woman for all of us
to identify with.
And for all y'all heterosexual men.
it's got lots of instructional video
so you'll figure out how to
get it done down there.
Lesbians, they do know how to do that.
I mean…I reckon.
Anyway I give this Orphan Black show
Two Thumbs Up!
Aww wait!
In solidarity with my Lesbian sisters out there,
I'm gonna give this
Two Fists Up!
But just up in the air,
I ain't wantin' to cram it up
somebody cooter.
So quit askin'!
And that's How I Seize It.
I hope my titty did not show at all.