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Obviusly ever holerday is far drankin, speshally if you got kinfolk aroun naggin ya... more »
Published April 17, 2011 99 views More Info »
Hey!
This here's Loretta Jenkins
and I'm bringin' you
your weekly How I Seize It,
and finally...
Finally a holiday I can get behind!
Cause in case none of y'all don't know it,
I live everyday like it's Saint Patty's Day.
Yeah!
Raisin' roof!
Yeah.
Yeeeeeah!
We got your shamrocks
and your beer...
And your bunnies...
And your green...
And your shamrock...
And-
Shit, I don't think I even
know what St. Patty's Day is about.
Has y'all ever had any of that green beer?
Now how they make that shit green?
It's probably leprechaun pee.
Ewww...
Leprechauns.
(door opens)
(children giggle)
Oh shit!
(running footsteps)
I think a leprechaun just come into my toolshed.
Anyways, I'll get back to that.
Green usually means somethin' done gone bad.
Now, I pass on that shit now
cause every year on St. Patty Cake
for like the last 10 years
some dude from some bar is wantin' to know
do I want to have some drink of GHB.
And I don't spell too good,
and so I was lookin' around,
tryin' to figure out, you know,
what that meant and then I see
everybody drinkin' that green beer
and I was like,
"Oh fuckin' DUH!"
Green Holiday Beer.
GHB!
Get it? Right?
(footsteps running)
Do y'all hear that?
It's either rainin' on my toolshed,
or a bunch of goddamn leprechauns
is up there pissin' on my roof!
(banging)
Get the hell off my roof,
you goddamn leprechauns!!!
I'm scared.
Now, I might shocks y'all here,
but if you ask me that shit
just makes you too drunk.
They ain't no reason to get shitfaced
if you ain't be able-
(coughs)
to remember what a good time
you had the day before.
Now last time,
I woke up in a hospital and they told me
somebody done gived me somethin' last night,
and I was kinda sore down there, so I said,
"Well was it money?"
And they said, "No."
So, I checked down there to make sure
it wasn't crabs again,
and it wasn't for all you assholes
out there wonderin'.
Now, I could have used a trim
down there, you know...
But, it was a Chinaman doctor,
and I damn sure wasn't gonna try to
fuck him with his little piece of rice.
Y'all, speakin' of leprechauns,
I really am scared of them little fuckers.
It is leprechauns?
That ain't somethin' off of Star Trex?
Anyways, I think I might be prejudiced
against them leprechauns,
cause I really don't like short fuckers.
Basically, I don't like nobody that's
under about 5'6" or so.
Y'all, we have got to quarantine them leprechauns
because they got some kind of disease
that makes they body parts fall off and-
That might be why they so little!
Huh.
Learn somethin' new every day.
Now y'all gingers, y'all cool...
but y'all need to get a new holiday slogan.
'Kiss Me, I'm Irish?'
That's for pussies!
I got high demands and no prejudice
when it comes to gettin' laid.
'Kiss Me, I'm Irish,' nothin'!
'Just Fuck Me, I'm Horny, 'Nuff Said!'
(laughs)
Y'all know that Peppermint Patty,
she's a ginger, too,
and I think she's a lesbian.
Well she seem kinda young to know
whether or not she like snatch or peckers,
but I think that haircut gived her away.
Now, I don't really care for the color green
cause with my bronzy skin tone.
It just makes me look like some
big green and bronzy thing...
Oh!
And then this hairy-lipped heife
at the post office,
she gonna try to be all cute and pinch on me
cause I wasn't wearin' no green...
I knocked that bitch into next week!
Did y'all know it was a federal offense
to attack somebody in a mail place?
It would have looked like somebody
would have posted that somewheres.
So Happy Sandy Patty Day everybody!
And remember, don't drink and drive-
Unless you just live right around the corner.
Or they's some dude that you been tryin' to screw
finally get drunk enough to let you take him home...
And that's How I Seize It.
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