How I Seize It #76: "Competitive Eating"

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Hey!
Here in all my
Size-Negative-Two-Hot-As-Fuckness
is your idol, Loretta Jenkins.
And tonight's How I Seize It we doin'
cause the other night I was
flippin' through the flipper,
and somewhere in the 2000s...
I seen where on ESPN,
they was sponsorin' folks
to just eat and eat and eat.
Ewww!
We need to get that Jew mayo
from Big Apple to come down here
and put a stop to all this
out of control crazyhood.
Lemme learn you bitches what is
and what is not a sport, alright?
For somethin' to classify as a sport
it ought to have a prerequisite in there
there there needs to be some kind of form
of physical activity
in the form of blood and sweaty tears.
I mean it's got to be sporty for fucksakes
if it's going to be a sport alright-
What?
(burps)
Eatin' goddamn food!
Eww!
End of days, y'all.
I live for the day when one of these
speed eaters is just gnawin' down on all get out
and then they brake they jaw
or they choke on they chicken.
(laughs)
Yeah, that'd be fuckin' funny.
But seriously though,
I could get into some competitive fuckin'!
Any you manwhores out there
wanna come try to get in my
gold medal clitoris?
(laughs)
(coughs)
Naw, not choke they chicken!
Choke ON a chicken bone.
Goddamn Margie, where your head at?
I hope one of those contenders
has hisself a live coronary right there on TV,
so all the folks can see that this
is not a healty lifestyle.
Food is murder, y'all.
That is the God's honest gospel.
Now you take it from me.
And that's the truth!
Hey!
I google it.
They's these monks that they
don't never eat or drink.
They just breathe out their ass!
Did y'all know you could do that?
Google it!
Golf ain't no sport.
And neither is bowling.
Now you can tell by my guns here
that I'm an avid bowler,
but that don't mean I'm stoop enough to think
that these things ain't sports.
They games!
If the fat and the lame
and the old people can participate,
then it ain't no sport!
So why are these things
on the ESPNssssisssss...
ESPNissssesss...
How you pronounce at that?
Hell I'm gonna have to go
look that up on the dictionary laters.
And here's some other non-sports:
Synchronized swimmin-
'Cept if it's in the gay olympics.
And ice dancing,
and ice pole dancing,
ice polar ice cap fishin',
stickin' your tongue in the ice freezin' it,
ice skatin',
shootin' polar bears,
and skippin' rocks,
and jumpin' rope,
and playin' hopscotch,
and rock, paper, scissors,
and that ice thing
where you roll a loaf of cheese
across the ice and down the hill.
Go all Ironman-style!
It's like-
WOOOOOO!
And he pop it in that hole with that broom!
GOAL!!!
That ain't no sports!
I think they ought to put that Supermarket Sweeps
back on the Olympics channel.
Hey if y'all ever channel surfin'
and you run across one of these eatin' contests,
look at them fatties' eyes.
They all into it.
They LOVE it!
They like all creamin' in they jeans
just cause they eatin'.
It's grosser than a motherfucker!
They all gettin' off on it.
I call that shit
FOODSTERBATIN'!
Crammin' it in they crawl!
Fuckin' theyself to death with food!
I think overeatin' might be worser than cancer.
Tisk, tisk, tisk.
Pffft!
Shameful...
And them competitors?
When they get in that zone?
They look like they under the spell of the Devil!
Engorging yourself on all that food?
That there-
That's what God was talkin' about
when he say he don't like Gluttony and nastiness.
And then he end up bein' all fat
and lazy on your couch-
Movin' around like a Sloth!
There's another deadly sin!
And it for money usually-
There's another one!
Greedy!
It wouldn't surprise me if God classify
watchin' this fast food contest
as Devil worshippin'!
Finally I agree with Pru on somethin'.
Y'all steer clear of this ESPN4 channel.
It is a sinful gateway to the hellmouth,
and that's all I'm gonna say about it.
'Cept I was gettin' to wonderin'
how come all them Japanesians
and Koreamericans...
How come they always win
these competitions, huh?
Wouldn't they have tiny dwarf stomachs
since they so little?
I don't know...
Maybe they find a way to cheat,
like they do in them Olympics
or when they Spellin' Beein'.
Or when they makin' little kids toys
out of illegal products
so they can build theyself
back up to a world superpowe
like they used to be
instead of bein' the butt of everybody's
little dicky pecker jokes!
I tell you what!
These eatin' contests?
I ain't never ever seen nothin'
as gross as this shit, y'all.
Except for fatty porn...
Like when the dude,
he think he's fuckin' a hole, you know
but he really just dick-jabbin'
on a fold of fat?
That's the funniest shit
I seen in my life...
Man that shit is hystilarious,
Now I ain't kiddin' y'all.
It's just the grossest shit.
Me and my local DB's,
we get together every night
for some Competitive Drankin'!
And then we watch fatty porn
and take bets on who can hold
they puke in the longest.
(laughs)
You just got to see this shit.
Somebody need to put
THAT shit on TV.
Whew!
Well that's How I Seize It!
Suuuuueeeeeeeeeeee!