How I Seize It #6: "Twilight"

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Hey!
It's me again.
Loretta Jenkins with another episode
of How I Seize It.
Today, I'm going to be havin' a movie review.
Pfffffft!
Twilight...
Hullabaloo...
Phenomenal...
Phenomenum?
Phenomenum...
Phelom-
Phelomenum.
Well fuck!
It's a fuckin' fiasco is what it is.
Alright...
They's about 100 things wrong with this movie.
Here's all this whole town
full of vampires and not a soul-
Not one soul has done
picked up a stick of wood.
I'd whittle me a stick of wood
and then I'd have in my pocket-
I'd get me some garlic pepper stray.
They supposed to be all kin to each other.
They all related and they all gropin'
and touchin' and fondlin' each other.
All this brother-sister monkey business,
that ain't Southern.
Oh no.
It's done gone up there to the goddamn
vampires who can walk around
in the fuckin' daylight!
Now, here's what I thought all these years.
All I ever heard of vampires
is they supposed to fly.
They supposed to fly around lookin' like a bat
and then poof up somewhere lookin'
like they in a Dracula cape.
Well, what the hell?
Where'd that go?
You know what?
Did y'all see that scene
where that sumbitch had that Bella chick
on his back like a spider monkey?
And he went runnin' up that whole damn mountain
and runned up a tree like
he's lookin' at the whole world, runnin'?
Runnin'!
Who has ever heard of a vampire runnin'?
What vampire do you know that's got
that sparkly diamondy shit on they face?
Now you know good and damn well
that cracker should have been burnt up
like a crispy fritter as soon as he
walked out of the shadows.
But no...
I just walked right back out there into the lobby
and I asked for my money back.
That fat bitch at the counter,
she wouldn't do it.
You know what she said?
She said I done eat half my popcorn.
Well now tell me...
Did I enjoy eatin' half my popcorn
while I was watchin' a bunch of goddamn vampires
walkin' around in the daylight?
No.
And she wouldn't give me my money back-
That big old sweaty heifer told me-
She said,
"I'll give you a partial part back
cause I'll instigate that senior citizens' discount.
I cold-cocked that bitch.
I knocked that smirk right off her face.
Course now, I can't go back to the movies
unless I go in some kind of a disguise
or somethin' like that.
Here's another stupid thing.
That Taylor girl-
Now I got to admit,
she's got to be one of the most
handsomest lesbians I ever seen in my life.
She just look too much like a boy
after they cut her hair off.
Oh!
That Bella bitch-
You know that one that flied
up the mountain with him?
Now I got to ask you somethin'.
How low has the bitch's self esteem
got to get...
How low has a bitch's self esteem
got to get when all she'll
let up in her business
is a dead person
or a woodland wolf creature thing.
And-
This don't really taste like no Pall Mall.
That bitch,
she got a death wish.
And I want y'all to tell me if y'all
find out she's doin' another movie,
cause I will personally pull the trigger on her.
I can't stand to look at that bitch.
Whenever she was up on the screen,
which was about half of the fuckin' movie-
Y'all ever notice how her expression don't change?
She ain't no good actress.
She always got that same look on her face.
It's always...
And then they go cut to another scene.
Here she is...
And here's another scene.
She ain't got the personality of...
...of a shit-
a doorknob.
She got a sweet ass truck!
I don't know.
Maybe she'll OD or somethin'
and they'll get somebody good in there
to take her place.
The book's better.
The book's always better!
Well fuck I hope so!
Why do I wanna waste six months
of my life readin' a book,
when I done got a visual in my head
of this two hour crapfest!
And then...
(inhales)

I...
You know what?

I reckon this movie's alright.

I like that movie called Twilight.
But don't y'all be get me started on that
Team Edward/Team SheWolf shit.
It's all the same team.
Here's the team y'all are on.
Team You're-Fuckin'-Stupid-For-Slobberin'-
All-Over-This-Damn-Shit-Movie.
(inhales)

Oh anyhows,
that's How I Seize It.
I don't think that's my cigarette.
I'm hungry.
I'll be right back.