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I thank I been kinely cleer bout my levela desdains fur kids, yungins, punkass little... more »
Published June 19, 2012 240 views More Info »
Hey!
For all y'all newbies out there,
this here is How I-
-Loretta Jenkins-
-Seize It.
Y'all don't got kinda idea
what kind of day I done had so far.
This morning, just like most Fridays,
I found myself bent over a sheriff's car,
tryin' to get out of another DWR,
when his emergency brake done gived away
and then I slid off the back of the car...
Felt like I was in slow motion.
Noooooooo....
Crack my fuckin' head on the bridge and
broke off my tooth,
but I think I can fix it
with a marshmallow and a Lee nail.
I wasn't wearin' very purty panties
and that was so goddamn embarrassing.
They had me in one of them gowns-
You can see your ass on the back-
But it didn't really matter nones
cause guess what?
I had a girl nurse!
But what worse is...
This ole gal is tighter than all get out down there-
I can crack a Brazilly nut with my vageegee.
It seem like I broke old Deputy Joe's pecke
in the process, which was unfortunate,
cause out of all the Highway Patrollers,
he take the least long to shoot his jism,
except for his is watery,
and it's alot!
It's like somebody dump a whole
bottle of creme rinse in your mouth.
How you supposed to swallow that?
And then them concentration camp Nazi bitches
wouldn't let me have no pain medicine-
Wouldn't let me have nobody bring me no liquor-
And, I couldn't smoke
cause apparently, that's a law now.
And they was all pissed cause
I was takin' nips out of they
rubbin' alcohol bottles.
That there is why healthcare need overhaulin'!
Hell, I told them take me to the hospital,
not to the goddamn rehab center.
(singing)
'Stingy bitches,
I hate you...
You a bunch of cunts
and I hate your ass...
Stingy bitches,
Nazi nurses,
Stingy bitches,
I ain't never goin' to
the emergency room no mores...'
And I guess they got sick of me bitchin',
or they recognize me off of YouTubes,
or they find out the fact
I owes the hospital $10,000,
but them bitches starts ignorin' my buzzins,
which was real unfortunate for that old lady
havin' the heart attack
I was tryin' to tell them about.
Right when that old wrinkly cunt died,
she rolled over on the TV remote control.
Lo and Behold,
Lo gets stuck watchin' five hours
of the Tiara & Toddlers marathon
right next to that dead Chinese corpse.
That went over like a turd in a lunchbox.
Excuse me if I drink a little extra in this HISI,
cause I have had an earth-shattering
traumatic experience
and I need to cut the edge off.
You probably might can imagine
what kind of mood listenin' to five hours
of squallin' slutty youngins has put me in.
Now, it is a sad fuckin' world
that we live in when somebody like me
gonna have to tell you that your
child-rearin' standards is out of hand, but
you shouldn't be allowed to be parents
if you're gonna let your youngins
precipitate in this Freak Show-And Tell!
I tell you what,
I'd like to put that little Honey-Boo-Boo-Porker's
foot in a blender!
See how superior that little whore feel then!
Yeah...
How come it ain't legal
to smack other people's youngins around yet?
Ain't anybody workin' on that yet?
Goddamn Congress ain't good for nothin'.
Now y'all might think it's cute
for kiddies to run around hollerin',
"A Dolla Make Me Holla!"
But, y'all just watch it when they end up
gettin' date raped in preschool.
Don't you come hollerin' at me!
I'd like to club them ignorant turdy kids
with baby Easter Seals,
that's what I'd like to do.
I live for that shit where they
spray-tannin' that little bitch
and she squallin' bloody murder,
cause to be honest,
there ain't no sound I like bette
than the sound of a child torture.
That's why I like it when Chrystal's
old man Cletus is in town,
cause he will whip off that belt
and whop the shit out of them fuckers
if they so much as look at him funny.
(laughs)
(snorts)
Aww, good times...
Hey...
Somebody explain to me why
all these toddler moms look like
they supposed to be in line for the Biggest Losers.
Ain't no amount of bedazzlin' or taffeta
or make-up gonna cover up
that fugly DNA.
I'll be honest though,
I do love that little faggety boy
they got up on there.
And suck my taint if you like,
"You don't know he's a queer-"
Cause, let's cut chase here.
If your some make him call him a pageant prince,
than you just need to love that little homosexual,
protect him from the bullies
and teach him how to take it up the butt,
that is all you need to know.
I'm a faggety hag, I know these things.
Y'all just raisin' up the
next generation of teenywhores.
None of y'all gonna give me no surprise look
when in about five years,
this same circle of bitches
gonna show up on the MTV
gettin' knock up in they tweens.
Especially that fat one-
Fat bitches always gettin' pregnant
when they youngins,
cause they ain't no other way
they gonna keep no man.
(laughs)
It's sad but true,
and that's How I Seize It.
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