Kenny Powers: Woo-hoo! Yeah! Kenny fu**in' Powers! Come on! Raise it up! Woo! Come on! There you go, two at ya! Wanna hear fu**in' more! Alright! Cool! Okay. Okay. Shut the fu** up! I have a dream, a wet dream. And today, you get the pleasure of witnessing my dream come true.
Kenny: The way I see it, there's three things an athlete needs to succeed: talent, strippers,
Kenny: And most importantly, speed. Because speed is what takes an athlete to the next level. Today, it's time to unleash my greatest creation ever, my magnum fu**ing opus, Blades!
[explosion sounds, cheering, applause, and music playing]
Kenny: Witness and behold the world's most advanced running shoe. He's doing the running man, get it? It's hilarious. Look how nimble he is. Okay, running man, that's cool. You're overdoing it now, you're making yourself look stupid. Get the fu** outta here. Now, let me give you a sneak peek into the brilliant mind of me.
Yo! Word! Welcome to the K-Swiss R and double D lab. Double D for development and also for huge tits. Come on in.
Kenny: Cool science, dog. In order to make a shoe that will make an athlete run faster than fu**, I not only watch how fast this cheetah runs, I watch how that motherfu**er kills. Suck it, slow ass animal. Wassup? Me and my smart as hell scientists here have developed what I like to call speed activated technology. Run slow and the blades will become soft and pillow-y, like these awesome things. Or, flip the fu**in' turbo switch, the Blades will react quickly. Like a spring-loaded shotgun for your fu**in' feet parts. Nice work, dickheads. But next-level technology like this doesn't mean jack sh** if it doesn't translate to peak performance on game day. That's why I enlisted the help of all-pro linebacker Patrick Willis.
Patrick Willis: Argh!
Kenny: See if he can run this motherfu**er through some tests. Fu** that wildebeest up! Willis! That is fu**in' badass! That is how I invented Blades.
Kenny: As for the name, I gotta give credit where credit is due. To a Chinese man by the name of Bruce.
Kenny: Ni hao, player. You're fu**in' blowing up these days. You got like a bajillion Facebook fans.
Bruce Lee: Definitely, definitely. [laughs]
Kenny: Whoa, whoa. Don't get cocky on me there kimo sabe.
Bruce: I made that as a joke, of course. [laughs]
Kenny: Alright, time for serious. Remember that time me and you were fu**in' around in your dojo playing with swords and sh**? Those derelicts tried to step to us?
Bruce: Violence, man. [laughs]
Kenny: Yeah, that was the violence. While you were busy tearing them a new a**hole, I saw something. You see these motherfu**ers? Those little scratches on your titties? They were the inspiration for the name, Blades.
Bruce: And it's a heck of a name, man.
Kenny: Yeah, no sh**. I came up with it.
Bruce: All type of knowledge ultimately means self-knowledge. Now, you put water into a cup. It becomes the cup.
Kenny: Okay. How about this, how about instead of doing all of this poetry sh**, we just go fu** some dudes up with this blade, huh?
Kenny: [laughs] Woo!
Kenny: Yep. That was me. That exchange was completely real. But all this blood, sweat, and innovation doesn't mean a God damn thing if we don't get feet in the shoes. So, we're making Saturday morning commercials specifically for the soft little minds of children. Let's get these kids fu**in' hooked on speed!
Audience Member: Yeah!
Kenny: Alright ladies, let's see what these Blades can do.
Woman: Ahh! [giggles]
Kenny: Fu** yeah! Blades! Woo! Speed! Ha ha ha! You just sh** your pants, nerd. Blades! Woo!
Kenny: Aww, sh** demon dude. Run fast or die, hombre.
Kenny: Speed! Ha ha ha ha ha! Speed! Take that, fu**ers! Blades, go buy them.
[audience cheering and clapping]
Kenny: Walking on the...fu**. Walking on the moon was the greatest thing that man had ever done, until now. I've basically taken all the fastest sh** I've ever seen: bionic missiles, fu**in' Bruce Lee, cheetahs, and I've combined them together to make the best shoe you've ever seen. You may applaud now.
Kenny: Oh, yeah. Water on the moon feels just right. What do you ladies say we take a trip to Uranus? You get it?