What would the miracles of Jesus have been like if he dispensed them with the same criteria as the current healthcare bill?

Full Credits

Directed by Langan Kingsley & Pat O'Brien
Written by Nate Dern, Langan Kingsley, and Pat O'Brien
Producer: Sean Boyle
Production Coordinator: Jack Bradley
DP: Matt Krueger
1st AC: Danny Rosenberg
Gaffer: Mike Gauthier
Key Grip" Jesus Trevino
Production Designer: Ashley Swanson
Art Director: John Flores
HMU: Brenna Haukedahl
Costume Designer: Michelle Thompson
Costumer: John Thompson
Sound Mixer: Eugene Thompson
Set PA: Steve Taylor
Post Producer: Alex Parks
Edited: Salamo Manetti- Lax
Assistant Editor: Kia Reghabi
Animator: Joe Humpay
Illustrations: Pat O'Brien
Nate Dern
Pat O'Brien
Langan Kingsley
Eliza Hooper
Shaun Sutton
Welton Gite
Josh Brown
Song Vocals by Kelly Hudson
VO by Kevin Porter


->Sometime later, Jesus
went up to Jerusalem.
There was in Jerusalem a
pool near the sheep gate.
Under these arches, a great
many sick people were lying.
Some of them were blind, some lame,
and some had withered limbs.
->Come, my children, and I shall heal you.My Lord, I have been
stricken with leprosy.
->A terrible affliction.Indeed, Jesus.Yes I have, but the condition,Uh, I'm sorry?You had it before you
came to see me today?
->Oh, well, yes, I did, but...The clinical term for
leprosy is Hansen's disease,
which is a pre-existing condition.
You do not qualify for a miracle.
I'm very sorry.
(slow instrumental music plays)
->What ails you, my child?Jesus, my child, he was
born with a heart condition
like Jimmy Kimmel's kid.
Please, Jesus, heal him.
->Didn't you hear what I
just said to that last guy
about pre-existing conditions?
->Oh no, I couldn't hear.Well, since your baby
was born with this,
there's not really
anything I can do about it.
->But Jesus, you have the
power to heal this affliction.
I've seen you do it with others.
Please, Jesus!
->Well yes, but those babies'
parents had lots of...
->Jesus!I'm sorry.Really?I'm sorry.
->Really?Who's next?Jesus, have mercy on
me, for I have a pain
in my lower abdomen.
->Oh, na, na, na, na, na.But Prophesied Parenthood was de-funded.Oh, that's right.Oh, but I'm not looking for an abortion.Okay, Look, lady.Please, Jesus, I'm dying.It's my father.How old is he?62Maybe if he was 20 years younger,Not really.Christ!Well there is a wayYou are turning your back on us!No, I'm just not
giving you something now,
so that later you can get tax breaks,
if you qualify.
(crowd protesting)
if you're in the right income bracket.
Oh, but then, once you
get that sweet tax break,
you can use all the extra money
on all the miracle care that you want!
Don't you see it?
It's... It's genius!
Tax breaks!
Tax breaks!
Tax breaks!
Tax breaks!
Tax breaks!
Fuck you!
Tax breaks for everyone,
except not really!
Maybe for you?
Maybe not!
I don't know!
Tax breaks!
(sound of choking)
Come get your tax breaks!
(laughing and screaming)
Tax breaks!
What are you gonna do about it?
What are you gonna do?
I own you!
Oh Jesus don't care.
Jesus don't care.
Oh Jesus coming.
Oh Jesus coming.
(shouting in ecstasy)
->Hey, wait a minute!Get 'em!