Conan O'Brien's 60 Minutes Inner Monologue Immortal

The video opens with a shot of Conan O'Brien. The 60 Minutes logo is seen in the lower left corner.



Conan O'Brien: I didn't get screwed. I'm fine. I mean, it just didn't work out.



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.



Steve Kroft: I mean, Jay Leno thinks you got screwed. Jay Leno thinks he got screwed.



The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.



Conan O'Brien: How did he get screwed again? (laughs)



Subtitles: Did he really say that? What fuckin' balls that guy has.



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft, who also laughs and back to Conan.



Conan O'Brien: Explain that part to me. (laughs again.) I'm sorry.



Subtitle: I can't fuckin' believe he'd say that. That's the funniest thing Leno's ever said. I'm insane with rage.



The shot fades to black and fades back in on Steve Kroft.



Steve Kroft: Has Jay reached out to you?



The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.



Conan O'Brien: No.



Subtitle: Are you kidding?



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: No calls?



The shot cuts back to Conan O'Brien.



Conan O'Brien: No, I do not, I do not think I'll be hearing from him.



Subtitles: Rapists usually don't call their victims



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.



Steve Kroft: Do you believe he acted honorably, during all of this?



The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien (hesitates): I don't think I can answer that.



Subtitle: Dude, you're really trying to get me to talk shit aren't you? Fuck I wish I could let loose on Leno right now.



Conan O'Brien: I don't think...



Subtitles: Hold it together Conan.



Conan O'Brien: um...



Subtitles: Don't call him a cock sucking dick fuck.



Conan O'Brien: I can just tell you maybe how I would have handled it and I would do it differently.



Subtitles: Switch the subject and talk about yourself.



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.



Steve Kroft: You wouldn't have come back on The Tonight Show?



The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.



Conan O'Brien: If I had surrendered The Tonight Show and handed it over to somebody publicly and wished them well...



Subtitles: I'm not a dick from Dickopotamia. I'm not a back stabber from Backstabastan.



Conan O'Brien: and then-- I don't-- would not have come back six months later. But that's me, you know.



Subtitles: I'm not a shit head. Who's also a cunt.



Conan O'Brien: Everyone's got their own, you know, way of doing things.



Subtitles: Not everyone has the same values. Have you SEEN “Jay Walking”?



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.



Steve Kroft: What would you have done?



Conan O'Brien: Done something else, go someplace else.



Subtitles: I don't know...not be a dick.



Conan O'Brien: I mean, that's just me.



Steve Kroft (voiceover): He is equally disappointed with NBC, the company where he worked most of his adult life.



Steve Kroft: They said that for the first time in history, The Tonight Show was losing money.

Subtitles: What?



Conan O'Brien: I don't see how that's possible. I honestly don't see how that's possible.



Subtitles: That's bullshit.



Conan O'Brien: It's really not possible.



Subtitles: That's fuckin' bullshit.



Conan O'Brien: It isn't possible.



Subtitles: That's total fucking bullshit.



The shot cuts to Steve Kroft who smiles and nods affirmatively. The shot cuts back to Conan O'Brien, who looks dejected.



Subtitle: Shit.