Conan O'Brien's 60 Minutes Inner Monologue

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Funny Or Die

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monkeyhouse

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The video opens with a shot of Conan O'Brien. The 60 Minutes logo is seen in the lower left corner.

Conan O'Brien: I didn't get screwed. I'm fine. I mean, it just didn't work out.

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: I mean, Jay Leno thinks you got screwed. Jay Leno thinks he got screwed.

The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien: How did he get screwed again? (laughs)

Subtitles: Did he really say that? What fuckin' balls that guy has.

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft, who also laughs and back to Conan.

Conan O'Brien: Explain that part to me. (laughs again.) I'm sorry.

Subtitle: I can't fuckin' believe he'd say that. That's the funniest thing Leno's ever said. I'm insane with rage.

The shot fades to black and fades back in on Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: Has Jay reached out to you?

The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien: No.

Subtitle: Are you kidding?

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.
Steve Kroft: No calls?

The shot cuts back to Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien: No, I do not, I do not think I'll be hearing from him.

Subtitles: Rapists usually don't call their victims

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: Do you believe he acted honorably, during all of this?

The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien (hesitates): I don't think I can answer that.

Subtitle: Dude, you're really trying to get me to talk shit aren't you? Fuck I wish I could let loose on Leno right now.

Conan O'Brien: I don't think...

Subtitles: Hold it together Conan.

Conan O'Brien: um...

Subtitles: Don't call him a cock sucking dick fuck.

Conan O'Brien: I can just tell you maybe how I would have handled it and I would do it differently.

Subtitles: Switch the subject and talk about yourself.

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: You wouldn't have come back on The Tonight Show?

The shot cuts to Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien: If I had surrendered The Tonight Show and handed it over to somebody publicly and wished them well...

Subtitles: I'm not a dick from Dickopotamia. I'm not a back stabber from Backstabastan.

Conan O'Brien: and then-- I don't-- would not have come back six months later. But that's me, you know.

Subtitles: I'm not a shit head. Who's also a cunt.

Conan O'Brien: Everyone's got their own, you know, way of doing things.

Subtitles: Not everyone has the same values. Have you SEEN “Jay Walking”?

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft.

Steve Kroft: What would you have done?

Conan O'Brien: Done something else, go someplace else.

Subtitles: I don't know...not be a dick.

Conan O'Brien: I mean, that's just me.

Steve Kroft (voiceover): He is equally disappointed with NBC, the company where he worked most of his adult life.

Steve Kroft: They said that for the first time in history, The Tonight Show was losing money.
Subtitles: What?

Conan O'Brien: I don't see how that's possible. I honestly don't see how that's possible.

Subtitles: That's bullshit.

Conan O'Brien: It's really not possible.

Subtitles: That's fuckin' bullshit.

Conan O'Brien: It isn't possible.

Subtitles: That's total fucking bullshit.

The shot cuts to Steve Kroft who smiles and nods affirmatively. The shot cuts back to Conan O'Brien, who looks dejected.

Subtitle: Shit.