Oh shit, where's my manners?
(with British accent)
I'm in characters tonight y'alls!
From the top!
You have obviously decided yourself
deserving enough for another season
of 'How I Seize It,'
with your one and only,
Lady Loretta Jenkins.
I don't know if you ungrateful bitches out there
that unfriended me on Facebook
has heard or not, but uhhh...
Y'all can just kiss my ass-feet
cause I done gone viral now!
And I done had the Tin Dreams Trailer Park
declared a historical landmark
by these three dudes that I fucked
down at the Chamber of Commerce.
And this Iron Lady is back to rule and rule hard.
And during Season Three, you bet your ass
I learned from my mistakes
and I won't be believing that the Lord
is sending me vengeful instant messages
cause I know full well it's that
jealous, snail trail, Tapioca,
Y'all seen that uppity class,
That soap opera show?
Oh, y'all know-
It's the one that's all the rage with the liberal elite?
Oh come on, you know-
That free station that used to have
Mr. Rogers on it all the time-
You know that uhh...with the sweater?
'It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...'
What's that station?
Ain't he go to prison?
Y'all fact check me on that one.
You know, it's on that Free BS station
That station what is free?
They got the Sesame Street and the Snuffleuppagus...
...and some retarded kids playin' jumprope.
Y'all know the one.
You can tell cause they shoot everything
like all arty-farty but they can't afford
to buy they actors no make up.
You turn the TV on and it's either The Muppets
or some play where a mom drowned her kids
or poked out her eyes-
I think they got a black dude playin' her now.
We come a long way.
Well I don't expect most of y'all to knows
what I'm talkin' about.
But us 'smarty-pants,'
we watchin' this show where
everybody all talkin' all proper and everything, you know...
It's all dramatic but don't never really nothin' ever happen...
It's so dramatic, but nothin' much really never happen...
It's somethin' like-
Pound in the Downtown...
Downtown on the Abbey
How do you solves a problem like Maria...
Go watch it your damn selves!
Now I think they might have been making a meth lab
down there in that kitchen of that fat twat, Mrs. Batmow?
Y'all member back when she was all hyper and bug-eyed?
And then that Daisy bitch?
She always all twitchin' and fidgetin' and tweekin'
a droppin' shit and carryin' up poisons instead of soup.
She a kitchen nightmare!
She a safety hazard.
They need to kill that bitch off, I swear!
Give me a walk on role!
I'll take care of that bitch. Yeah!
For a little scratch...
But do like that secret faggot on there.
And that closet dyke, O'Brien?
But she might be transgendered.
We'll see how that plays out.
Goddamn. Y'all know not to never trust no bitch
that ain't got no lips. Shit...
Them is gonna be the first one that leave a bar of soap
on the floor and make you slip and
fall down and lose your baby.
But I do like that Mr. Carson.
He don't never let no wine go to waste.
Shit brother, I'd have be takin' that shit home too
if I had to go home and deal with
all that drama up in that castle.
Y'all see what I go through around here
with these trailer park heifers,
so this one's for you!
Y'all think I could be a part-time
with my across-the-pond, James Bond British accent?
I like a little cat turd in my coffee, Guvnah!
I could...Espanol you some...guacamole!
Ay! Throw another shrimp on the Barbie!
Let's park the car in the Harvard yard!
I sound like them Grey Gardens bitches.
But I do have me one bone to pick.
How in the hell do you ever find
the most hottest motherfucker ever been on TV-
That Turkish Mr. Hot-As-Fuck Pamook dude?
And have HIM be the one that you kill off?
I mean you probably just lost half your women viewers
by not givin' us enough proper muff-rubbin' time.
Less countryside, more fuckin'!
Hey! That oughta help y'all come Jerry Kid telethon time.
Fuck, I spend about half the episodes
wishin' that cunt-faced Edith
would get trampled on by a horse.
Just like a horse claw poppin' down on her face-
Pieces of bones and fleshbits just goin'
'Pew! Pew, pew pew!'
They shoulda made her be the one
get sunk in the Titanic.
In case I ain't made myself clear,
I hate this bitch.
Truth be told,
they is something schedenfreude,
and therefore therapeutic
about watchin' the lives of rich people fall apart.
But I'll probably still watch it in case
they kill off that middle sister.
Y'all I'm gonna start a letter writin' campaign
to have that bitch killed off, too.
Will y'all help me?
Well, fuck you very much!
That's How I Seize It.