Hi, how’s everybody doing? My name
is Chris Martin. The good news for Michael Vick: he’s been conditionally
reinstated by the National Football League. The bad news: one of the conditions
is that he be paid entirely in kibble.
Manson family member Squeaky Fromme
was released from prison. In related news, Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy,
Bashful, and Grumpy Fromme were denied parole.
It’s the fortieth anniversary of Woodstock.
They’re having a reunion concert billed as “Three Days of Peace, Music and Hip
An official autopsy report says
that cocaine use contributed to the heart disease that killed TV salesman Billy
Mays. Stay away from the brown acid and the Orange Blo.
There are several theories as to why Russian
submarines are patrolling off the U.S. east coast. One is that
they’re looking for the best deal in the "Cash for Clunkers' program.
Another is that they’re there to back up Vladimir Putin's demand that Paula
Abdul be reinstated as a judge on "American Idol." Still another is
that they got tired of Sarah Palin waving to them from their front porch in Alaska.
Sarah Palin’s got everybody worked up about “death
panels.” I don’t listen to someone on health care who can’t even keep her own
daughter from getting knocked up. When Darth Vader is named secretary of the
Department of Health and Human Services, I’ll start worrying.
My dentist has two practices, one in Richmond and one in Fredericksburg.
His name on Twitter is FredDentist. For some reason, he doesn’t want to be
known as RichDentist.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il declines Bill
Clinton's offer to swap Hillary Clinton for two imprisoned journalists.
Instead, he trades them for Monica Lewinsky and a box of Cuban cigars. "I
may be Kim Jong Il but I'm not Kim Jong Stupid," he says.
According to a newspaper, Clinton's
visit to North Korea
raises more questions about the health of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. The dictator may suffer from pancreatic
cancer, diabetes and strokes. If he gets any sicker, he'll have to change his
name to Kim Jong Dead.
Hillary Clinton is irked when a Congolese student asked
her about her husband's position on international affairs. You can insert you
own joke here. Yeah, the difference is that Hillary is traveling the world
searching for peace while Bill is traveling the world looking for a piece.
The Marines are looking for a few good men. I’m
looking for a few good ideas. Spraying Axe on your butt crack - not a good
idea. Mixing Scotch and Mescaline – not a good idea. Walking around Charlottesville with a
t-shirt that reads, “The Dave Matthews Band, tomorrow’s elevator music today” –
not a good idea. A Biblical porn movie called “Moses and the Burning Bush” –
not a good idea. He-brew, the Kosher beer for people who want a little whine
with their beer – not a good idea.
That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thank you