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Additional Credits [+]
Additional Credits:
Written, Directed, Starring, Shot, & Edited by Bill Day
Added about 3 years ago
33 funny votes
42 die votes
Description:
Man goes to confession in a Catholic Church but leans he will now be telling his sins to a call center rather than a priest.
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
THE CONFESSION by Bill Day
FADE IN:
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
A very mild mannered, catholic man, BOB, enters a church. Inside, he respectfully moves to the confessional.
INT. CONFESSIONAL - DAY
The man piously kneels where he has knelt for many years, but then notices something has changed. The little screen door that usually opens remains locked shut. Next to it is a sign:
DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, CONFESSIONS WILL NO LONGER BE HEARD IN PERSON. PLEASE USE THE PHONE TO CONNECT WITH OUR CONFESSION CALL CENTER. THANK YOU.
Bob is perplexed by this, But he picks up the phone and waits. There are a few rings and then a loud click. A man with a distinct Indian East Asian accent comes on the line.
MATHEW (Thick Accent)
Welcome to Confessions and Blessings. My name is Mathew.
Can I have your name please?
BOB
What?
MATHEW
May I have your name. please?
BOB
Who is this?
MATHEW
My name is Mathew, your confession associate.
May I know whom I am speaking?
BOB
xxOkay... it's Bob... but we don't normally say our name.
MATHEW
Yes, I know but its a new policy so can serve you better.
You call for confession?
BOB
Uh... yes.. but this... I dunno... I mean...
MATHEW
Yes Bob, don't worry. Everything will be fine.
How long it has been since your last confession?
BOB
it's been awhile... lets see... Umm
MATHEW
Do you have an account with us, Bob? I can look it up.
BOB (irritated)
An account? No... I'm a just a guy who wants to confess...
MATHEW
I see...I see... No Problem... but before we go on I
will tell you about some of the benefits of having an account.
BOB
I don't want an acount. I just want to confess!
MATHEW
It's absolutely free for the first two months... and if you sign
xxup today, you'll get our "elite forgiveness package" also free.
BOB
You're offering a forgiveness package?
MATHEW
Yes, Bob...Its normally $49.95 a month but you will be getting
two months free just for signing up?
BOB
You're selling forgiveness?
MATHEW
What address would you like me to send your free
gift too...
BOB
Now you want my address? Look I'm not so sure I
want to do this...its seems so odd to be doing this...
MATHEW
There is nothing odd about being forgiven for your sins, Bob.
xxxYou owe it to yourself and your family to make sure your salvation
xxxis guaranteed.
BOB
This is outrageous. I feel like I'm talking to a phone markete
from India...
MATHEW
xxWell you are talking to India, but I can assure you we are not
xxmarketers sir.
BOB
India? I'm really talking to India....
MATHEW
Mumbai actually.
BOB
This is just... I don't know what to say. Are you even a priest?
MATHEW
No sir, but your call may be recorded for quality
control purposes.
BOB
Christ Almighty! Is this some kind of joke?
MATHEW
I thought you wanted to confess your sins... Bob...
BOB
xxOkay okay -- you want a confession - how about this? I don't know who
xxcooked this it up but whoever it is, I am going to find out and I gonna
xxtrack him down and kill the son of a bitch! How many 'Our Father's' for that?
MATHEW
Okay, hold on just a second Bob, I'm checking the manual sir...
BOB
Fuck You!
MATHEW
Bob... Bob...
BOB
Mother fuckers! You can just go to hell!
MATHEW
Bob!
BOB
Isn't there any part of my god damned life that hasn't been
taken over by you marketing parasite sons o bitches!!!!
MATHEW
Bob! Bob! Please....
xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxBOB
xxxxxxxI'm on the "Do Not Call" list God damn it!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMATHEW
xxxxxxxOkay, Okay Bob... Sorry... please Listen..
BOB
What????????
MATHEW
Just for you, I am going to throw in a rosary as a free bonus,
xxxxxxxxbut you must order now!
Fade out
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