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Man goes to confession in a Catholic Church but leans he will now be telling his sins to a call center rather than a priest.
Published April 23, 2010 2.6k views More Info ยป
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Written, Directed, Starring, Shot, & Edited by Bill Day
40 Funny Votes
46 Die Votes
2,620 Views
Published April 23, 2010
THE CONFESSION by Bill Day

FADE IN:


EXT. CHURCH - DAY

A very mild mannered, catholic man, BOB, enters a church. Inside, he respectfully moves to the confessional.


INT. CONFESSIONAL - DAY



The man piously kneels where he has knelt for many years, but then notices something has changed. The little screen door that usually opens remains locked shut. Next to it is a sign:



DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, CONFESSIONS WILL NO LONGER BE HEARD IN PERSON. PLEASE USE THE PHONE TO CONNECT WITH OUR CONFESSION CALL CENTER. THANK YOU.



Bob is perplexed by this, But he picks up the phone and waits. There are a few rings and then a loud click. A man with a distinct Indian East Asian accent comes on the line.





MATHEW (Thick Accent)

Welcome to Confessions and Blessings. My name is Mathew.

Can I have your name please?



BOB

What?



MATHEW

May I have your name. please?



BOB

Who is this?



MATHEW

My name is Mathew, your confession associate.

May I know whom I am speaking?



BOB

xxOkay... it's Bob... but we don't normally say our name.



MATHEW

Yes, I know but its a new policy so can serve you better.

You call for confession?



BOB

Uh... yes.. but this... I dunno... I mean...



MATHEW

Yes Bob, don't worry. Everything will be fine.

How long it has been since your last confession?



BOB

it's been awhile... lets see... Umm



MATHEW

Do you have an account with us, Bob? I can look it up.



BOB (irritated)

An account? No... I'm a just a guy who wants to confess...



MATHEW

I see...I see... No Problem... but before we go on I

will tell you about some of the benefits of having an account.



BOB

I don't want an acount. I just want to confess!



MATHEW

It's absolutely free for the first two months... and if you sign

xxup today, you'll get our "elite forgiveness package" also free.



BOB

You're offering a forgiveness package?



MATHEW

Yes, Bob...Its normally $49.95 a month but you will be getting

two months free just for signing up?



BOB

You're selling forgiveness?



MATHEW

What address would you like me to send your free

gift too...



BOB

Now you want my address? Look I'm not so sure I

want to do this...its seems so odd to be doing this...



MATHEW

There is nothing odd about being forgiven for your sins, Bob.

xxxYou owe it to yourself and your family to make sure your salvation

xxxis guaranteed.



BOB

This is outrageous. I feel like I'm talking to a phone markete

from India...



MATHEW

xxWell you are talking to India, but I can assure you we are not

xxmarketers sir.



BOB

India? I'm really talking to India....



MATHEW

Mumbai actually.



BOB

This is just... I don't know what to say. Are you even a priest?



MATHEW

No sir, but your call may be recorded for quality

control purposes.



BOB

Christ Almighty! Is this some kind of joke?



MATHEW

I thought you wanted to confess your sins... Bob...



BOB

xxOkay okay -- you want a confession - how about this? I don't know who

xxcooked this it up but whoever it is, I am going to find out and I gonna

xxtrack him down and kill the son of a bitch! How many 'Our Father's' for that?



MATHEW

Okay, hold on just a second Bob, I'm checking the manual sir...



BOB

Fuck You!



MATHEW

Bob... Bob...



BOB

Mother fuckers! You can just go to hell!



MATHEW

Bob!



BOB

Isn't there any part of my god damned life that hasn't been

taken over by you marketing parasite sons o bitches!!!!



MATHEW

Bob! Bob! Please....



xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxBOB

xxxxxxxI'm on the "Do Not Call" list God damn it!!!



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMATHEW

xxxxxxxOkay, Okay Bob... Sorry... please Listen..



BOB

What????????



MATHEW

Just for you, I am going to throw in a rosary as a free bonus,

xxxxxxxxbut you must order now!





Fade out
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