Man goes to confession in a Catholic Church but leans he will now be telling his sins to a call center rather than a priest.
- April 23, 2010
- 3.1k Views
Written, Directed, Starring, Shot, & Edited by Bill Day
April 23, 2010
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
A very mild mannered, catholic man, BOB, enters a church. Inside, he respectfully moves to the confessional.
INT. CONFESSIONAL - DAY
The man piously kneels where he has knelt for many years, but then notices something has changed. The little screen door that usually opens remains locked shut. Next to it is a sign:
DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, CONFESSIONS WILL NO LONGER BE HEARD IN PERSON. PLEASE USE THE PHONE TO CONNECT WITH OUR CONFESSION CALL CENTER. THANK YOU.
Bob is perplexed by this, But he picks up the phone and waits. There are a few rings and then a loud click. A man with a distinct Indian East Asian accent comes on the line.
MATHEW (Thick Accent)
Welcome to Confessions and Blessings. My name is Mathew.
Can I have your name please?
May I have your name. please?
Who is this?
My name is Mathew, your confession associate.
May I know whom I am speaking?
xxOkay... it's Bob... but we don't normally say our name.
Yes, I know but its a new policy so can serve you better.
You call for confession?
Uh... yes.. but this... I dunno... I mean...
Yes Bob, don't worry. Everything will be fine.
How long it has been since your last confession?
it's been awhile... lets see... Umm
Do you have an account with us, Bob? I can look it up.
An account? No... I'm a just a guy who wants to confess...
I see...I see... No Problem... but before we go on I
will tell you about some of the benefits of having an account.
I don't want an acount. I just want to confess!
It's absolutely free for the first two months... and if you sign
xxup today, you'll get our "elite forgiveness package" also free.
You're offering a forgiveness package?
Yes, Bob...Its normally $49.95 a month but you will be getting
two months free just for signing up?
You're selling forgiveness?
What address would you like me to send your free
Now you want my address? Look I'm not so sure I
want to do this...its seems so odd to be doing this...
There is nothing odd about being forgiven for your sins, Bob.
xxxYou owe it to yourself and your family to make sure your salvation
This is outrageous. I feel like I'm talking to a phone markete
xxWell you are talking to India, but I can assure you we are not
India? I'm really talking to India....
This is just... I don't know what to say. Are you even a priest?
No sir, but your call may be recorded for quality
Christ Almighty! Is this some kind of joke?
I thought you wanted to confess your sins... Bob...
xxOkay okay -- you want a confession - how about this? I don't know who
xxcooked this it up but whoever it is, I am going to find out and I gonna
xxtrack him down and kill the son of a bitch! How many 'Our Father's' for that?
Okay, hold on just a second Bob, I'm checking the manual sir...
Mother fuckers! You can just go to hell!
Isn't there any part of my god damned life that hasn't been
taken over by you marketing parasite sons o bitches!!!!
Bob! Bob! Please....
xxxxxxxI'm on the "Do Not Call" list God damn it!!!
xxxxxxxOkay, Okay Bob... Sorry... please Listen..
Just for you, I am going to throw in a rosary as a free bonus,
xxxxxxxxbut you must order now!