Pat Ceasar everyone Now you know I paid this half of the audience to laugh so I only have to tell my jokes to this half So I hugged the president I mean I hugged the president, (no I din't sleep wiht him , Jeffery Johns) The only problem was Michelle was looking right at me And said Paaatttt what did I tell you ONLY HUG THE WHITE HALF. But I hugged a little more. He’s too skinning for me, get that man a steak or get him to MacDonald’s with Bill Clinton. Maybe the Wall Street guys and Chaney are right maybe Obama should be a republican then He can be a fat cat like the rest of them. Yes and I’m a redheaded Italian. Well Sicily was invaded by Vikings, So I could have been a tall thin brunette with a with little horn earring’s but no they guy who nailed my great great grandmother was the only short fat redheaded Viking named Bob who they used as an anchor and when he came up for air Bang my genies where conceived. So imagine what it’s like for me being Sicilian Viking I want to invade you space, chop off your head ( Shes going first) and Saute it in a white wine garlic sauce and serve it over linguini. Italian & Jewish Jokes. So I’m Sicilian Viking Italian & My Husband Is Jewish engineer. IE his office over here. So we decided to have a priest & and a Rabbi marry us and the way everyone reacted you think we were bring north and south Korea together or something. What did they think was going to happen Jesus & Mosses were going to show and duke it out When all they did was start fighting over who got to lead the electric slide., The Holidays can be a challenge, my Italian Noni, shes so sweet, she wanted to help me cook and prepare my first passover sader, next thin I know she's serving my in-laws the gefilte fish shaped in little crosses.
It’s nice being married my husband still thinks cause I drug him. President Obama does not think I’m sexy, I don’t know why cause I look like His mama’s side and I got buttie like his fathers side.) But I do love doing everything with my husband well except watching football, shopping And riding in the car I told my husband he’s tailgating he says my menopause has affected depth perception and I said I guess your bald head has given you lead foot. So I went to the Gynecologist the other day. Yeah not as much fun as the 80’s My Husband says I can tell because your bitcher. I said Bitcher does that mean you used to think I was just plain bitchy before, because now I’m “Bitcher” You see Menopause is kind of like High school. I’m bitchy; I have the munchies all the time. Except in high school, I was hot, bitchy was cool and my metabolism kept up with the munchies. (Pats butt) I told my husband I found out there are prescription drugs that can help make you happy But I won’t have any sexual desires on it. So I gave him a choice you want a happy cold fish or a horny bitch. He took the horny bitch he’s a man isn’t he. Well last time I looked. Did I tell you bout the hot flashes? If I had a hot flash right now I swear I can turn this room into the rain forest café. Night sweats are the worst. I wake up the other night spritszing there’s so much steam in my bed room I finally clear the air and theirs my husband, cat all my neighbors and Obama are in with towels on spa water in their hands and I’m like hellooowwww this is not the y go home Getting old Mothers. You know what sucks. The day you realize you’ve turned into your Mother You know how I know. I don’t under stand texting I don’t get it. I don’t get twitter. I don’t care what parish Hilton ate 10 minutes because look she’s thrown it up already I mean what’s the matter with these kids today with this texting, can’t they just be like normal kids and get high, skip school deface public property. So I had this little test done and it’s all ok but they said they had to leave a little piece of Titanium in my right breast. So hold on to your change I’m not sure if it’s magnetic Then I was thinking how do I know this isn’t a tracking device. Who were those people anyway, CIA, FBI, IRS My In-laws sss. I know what your thinking aaalieeeenssss, But why would aliens want to track the activity of my right breast. It’s not like it gets that much action. But seriously I said to the doc this thing isn’t going to start picking up radio singles in the middle of the night I’m not going to wake to like Led Zeppelin, Bruce Springsteen or good forbid rush Limber. What a night mere She said no but if you go like this. (Show tapping breast) or say if you tap on it You can up date your twitter & Face book account. Diet Jokes!!! So did I mention I’ve been on weight watcher for 20 years… I’ve lost 5 Lbs. you know that show the biggest looser I want my own show The slowest looser fat house wives of NJ. I blame the media. They should make McDonalds, Wendy's & Burger King commercials more realistic. Let’s face it super models and athletes don't order off the dollar menu! Just once I want to see a plus size women in a fast food as saying 3 burgers for just .99 (slaps butt) and more to love. Such a deal!!!! My friend said you can be fat& old and still be sexy just watch Spanish TV Look there’s a 300 great grandmother with the heels, push up bra and a rose in her teeth and some how she’s sexy. If I do that they would take the rose out put in an apple and put me on the rotisserie. I want to be on that show anorexia housewives as the crazy cannibal neighbor who eats all of those skinny bitches. The only problem after I eat Susan, Gabby & Brie I’ll still be hungry, but I could uses their bones for toothpicks I have this skinny a friend who eats like a horse skinny as a rail with a with her hyperactive Metabolism ya right So she say Pat look at the bright side you will live longer in Famine. I said yeah but I’ll be bitcher. Thank you. And a shout out to world war 2 vets because they still think I’m sexy.