Life is fun, isn't it?
You get to walk around. Eat food.
Sit in front of a screen
until your brain feels strange.
Isn't it wonderful to be
alive and not dead?
Hi. I'm John Dell'Abate, and
I'm a guy who loves being alive.
-I love the New York Knicks.
-[large crowd cheering]
-I love pornography.
-And I love ice fishing.
I'm a normal guy.
But I'm also a man who
has made very large mistake.
You see, I got involved with some of the
top mafia bosses in Elizabeth, New Jersey.
To cut to the chase, I owe
Don Bronzini, [clears throat]
perhaps the coldest killer on the south
side of the Hudson River, $80 grand.
If I don't come up with
$80 grand in exactly one month,
I won't be living in my
lovely 37th floor walk-up apartment.
No, I'll be buried
in a ditch somewhere
in Staten Island. I'm
completely fucked. [laughs]
So that's why I am turning
to you, the Kickstarter community.
You see folks, I've burned
all the other bridges in my life.
I'm out of options.
When I was 19 years old,
I was completely out of control.
My breakfast of choice was
pure pharmaceutical cocaine.
[Rolling stones, "Gimme Shelter" plays]
Perhaps it had to do with my upbringing.
See, my father's favorite
activity was calling me an asshole,
and my mother had all the kindness and
warmth of the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket.
I needed structure, and finally
I found it doing odd jobs for
the Bronzini crime family.
I can't get into much more now,
but let's just say that some
bad bets, a car full of hookers,
and a mishap at the Bronx Zoo
has left me $80 grand in the red.
But don't take my word from it, let's here
directly from the man who wants me dead,
Don Bronzini himself.
Hey, fund this guy's Kickstarter
if you want him to keep living.
The truth is folks, I'm only
here to promote awareness of my
own Kickstarter, Bronzini Sings the Hits.
It's an album. You're
going to love it.
♪ Ay, I'm going to stomp on your balls ♪
♪ Kill you real good ♪
♪ Make you wish you've never
gone to my neighborhood ♪
Don: I'm trying to cut an
album in the next two months.
I need to higher an engineer,
I need to higher a sound designer,
and I need to get all
the rights to these songs for
Bronzino Sings the Hits,
an album by Don Bronzini.
Let's talk prizes for
donating to my Kickstarter campaign.
Now, I don't have much, because
I've been selling off my possessions rapidly,
and with great mounting anxiety,
but I'm prepared to give you what I do have.
For a donation of
$25,000 dollars or more,
I will give you the contents
of my glove compartment.
There's some great
old chapstick in there.
For a donation of
$50,000 dollars or more, I'll give you
all the gray hairs that
have accumulated on my head.
Trust me, there's a
lot. I've been very, very stressed.
For $70,000 dollars
or more, any orifice goes.
If you pay me the full $80,000 dollars,
I will be your personal slave forever.
There's nothing I wouldn't
do for $80,000 dollars,
even the most demeaning
So please, I have a self
destructive personality, and
it's finally boiled over
into a [...?] of death.
-So donate today!
Male: Can I see that