Sports Announcer: And here comes Kobe, Kobe for three!
Sports Reporter: Kobe, what happened out there?
Kobe Bryant: We had some blown assignments.
Kobe Bryant: Just didn't really close the game like we should of. You know, we'll make the proper adjustments, it's one game. It's game one. I'm not concerned.
Sports Reporter: So, Kobe, what does the team need to do to get back in the series?
Kobe Bryant: I mean, I'm not pointing any fingers, you know, Andrew, Pal, Lamar, just small things on and off the court. Uh, my Gatorade flavor. They gave us orange today, I play a lot better with blue. It's just game two, we're, we're gonna come back.
Kobe Bryant: If you guys don't think we're gonna win this series, you're trippin'. You must be on that dope. They're only up three games. Just three. Not five, not fifteen, just three games. I won't be playing in game four. Black Mamba will be playing in game four. I think we all know what that means. I'm the Black Mamba, I'm taking over game four.
Kobe Bryant: They still don't even have, they don't even have my flavor. They don't even have the flavor I like. That's crazy.
Kobe Bryant: Want a shot? Anybody want a shot? I figure we should take some shots since my team couldn't make any shots. You know? I just want to see a shot made, in Dallas.
Kobe Bryant: And some of our players just really really sucked. Really, really, really sucked. Pau Gasol [clucks] outta here.
Sports Reporter: There are rumors out there that Pau was going through a break-up. Is this true, Kobe?
Kobe Bryant: What's that gotta do with boxing out and dunking?
Kobe Bryant: If I was his fiance, I would break up with him cause he's not boxing out and dunking. I think women find that attractive. [Sniffles]
Sports Reporter: What does a team have to do to return to a former every season?
Kobe Bryant: Trade all these mother fu**ers but me? Trade everybody. [clucks] Everybody outta here. Gone. And I'm gonna be coach next year. Next question.
Kobe Bryant: Nothing was working. The towels weren't working, the towels weren't absorbing my sweat like they normally do. Gatorade, uh, it didn't quench my thirst. You can't win games with a dry Mamba. The Mamba's gotta be moisturized.
Sports Reporter: What's the one thing that disappointed you the most about the whole series, Kob'?
Kobe Bryant: My teammates just didn't respond to the Kobe face. They just didn't respond to the Kobe face. You guys know the Kobe face, right? Kobe face. Score buckets. Pass to Kobe. Win championships. That's what that face means.
Kobe Bryant: I think the NBA should just cancel the rest of the season. But, you know, who am I to judge?
Sports Reporter: Hey Kobe, how does your legacy...
Kobe Bryant: Fu** Dallas. Fu** Dallas.
Sports Reporter: Kobe, uh...
Kobe Bryant: Fu** Dallas.
[Slams bottle on table]