The 'Family Ties' When Tom Hanks Was A Raging Alcoholic
Remember the 'Smart Guy' when T.J. met a pedophile on the internet while buying bootleg computer games? It was a very special episode.
- February 22, 2018
- 470k Views
February 22, 2018
- [Narrator] TJ wants $55
for a computer game called Starship Doctor.
His dad say, "No dice."
Meanwhile, Marcus and Moe went splitsies
on a piece of shit car that set them back a cool six hundo.
Karen tells TJ about a kid, named Marky412
she's been talking to in a chat room,
who's selling bootleg copies of Starship Doctor
for 20 bucks.
TJ has some concerns that this illegal
and, therefor, something that could get him in trouble.
Which, he quickly overlooks
the second Karen calls him a wuss.
TJ messages Marky412 and finds out that, not only,
is Starship Doctor still available,
he has also has some more illegal games.
Eager to purchase all these bootleg titles,
TJ says they'll meet him this afternoon
then hatches a quick plan to fleece those two bozos
with car troubles outside.
He offers to repair the car for $65
then, somehow, fixes the engine with a paperclip
then takes off with those suckers' money.
TJ and Karen show up, in dorky, matching hats,
looking for the kid they were talking to in the chat room.
Only, a kid doesn't show up.
It turns out, Marky412 is a fully-grown dude.
And, when TJ and Karen are like, "Hey, man, what the shit?
"We thought you were 12." Marky412 says
he was only in the kids chat room because he likes games
and the only other people, on Earth,
who like games are kids.
And, that airtight logic is all these two idiots need
to sit down with this pedophile.
They do the deal in a very inconspicuous fashion,
Marky says, "Enjoy, but definitly do not tell your dad."
because, hey, dumb-dumb, illegal stuff makes dads pissed.
TJ, instantly, shows his dad
all the cool, new games he bought.
And, when his dad is like, "Hey, man, what the shit?
"I thought you only robbed your brother for $65?"
TJ covers by saying he only bought one game
and the rest are Karen's.
Marky412 Ims to ask, "How they like the games?"
TJ says, "They're super sweet."
and Marky412 says he has two new games,
including Clowns of War, and they're even sweeter.
Only, Marky can't leave the house
because he's too busy working on a new game.
So, if they want Clowns of War
they better book it over to his house.
TJ scams some more car money
then rides off into the sunset of his innocence.
Marky412 welcomes his young guests
to a very unsettling basement featuring two computers
and a surfboard on a blue screen
that's the new game he's been working on.
Marky412 starts explaining his Surf City game
and TJ is enthralled.
Marky says that he uses that super, nifty basement cam,
over there, to put your image right in the game
and they can be the very first to try it.
TJ and Karen take turns on this, absolutely, terrible game
where you stand on a surfboard and do nothing
as stock footage of waves crashing plays behind you.
It might be the worst game of all-time
if you can even call it a game, at all.
They say the game rocks because they're dumb.
But, Mikey412 says "Something's wrong.
"See, they're surfing in warm clothes and it looks weird,
"they should be wearing bathing suits."
TJ quips that bathing suits might be winter wear in Hawaii
but not in D.C., which stands for Darn Cold,
which is music to a pedophiles ears
since only little kids say darn.
Marky says, "Underwear is, basically,
"the same as a bathing suit and, yeah, ya know,
"maybe they should just, like,
"get in their underwear and hop on that surfboard."
TJ and Karen say, "No thanks."
and Marky breaks out a book of his other basement friends
and flips to a girl, named Melissa,
who used to be nervous but after a while
started surfing with her shirt off.
TJ seems to have no objection
to the fact that he's looking at child porn
and, instead, is like, "Hey, man, what the shit?
"I thought you said we were the first ones
to play this game."
Marky covered, saying they're the first
to play this version.
And, this smart guy finally realizes,
"Holy fuck, we're in a pedophiles basement!"
The worst kind of basement to be in.
TJ drags Karen out of there
because she's about to wind up on a page stuck to Melissa's.
And, Marky412 reminds them, do not tell their parents.
So, TJ immediately tells his dad, who calls the cops,
who then say this guy's on parole for a similar crime
and he's going back to jail
thanks to TJ's heroic, illegal computer games.
TJ talks with his dad and says he's done with the internet
and he's gonna throw his modem away.
His dad is like, "Hey, man, what the shit?
"There's some pretty cool stuff on there
"and, also, I look at boobs when you're at school."
TJ asks, "How you can know who's good and who's not online?"
and his dad says, "You can't."
Even though you definitly can when it's a grown man
who lures you to his basement with video games.
So, what did we learn today?
If an adult man, who calls himself Marky
and hangs out in kids chat rooms,
can trick you into riding your bike to his basement
with the worst video game ever made,
you might not be such a smart guy, after all.
And, if you need $55 to buy a new game
you can make that money, and then some,
by fixing your brother's broken car with a paperclip.
But, don't get greedy and use that money
to buy three bootleg games and then try to buy
two more bootleg games, in the same afternoon,
before you've even played those first three games
because you might end up in Marky412's book of memories.
And, if you meet a pedophile in a chatroom tell the cops
so they can send him to prison
where his ass will get filled with street justice.
And, don't let this experience
turn you off to the internet, as a whole,
because there's some pretty cool stuff online
and your dad looks at boobs while you're at school.
See you next time,
on A Very Special Episode.