A parody created back in 2005 - edited by Jonathan Wong and created by Paul Ayre

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September 09, 2010


Judge:All Rise.(assembly rises)Judge:(to Tom Cruise) Call your witness.Tom Cruise:Defense calls Col. Nathan Jessep.(Col. Nathan Jessep enters)Kevin Bacon:Col. Jessep would you raise your right hand please sir? Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you will give in this general court marshall will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, sir help you God?Jack Nicholson:Yes I do.KB:Would you have a seat please sir?Paul:(to Tom Cruise) Don't worry, I've got this one!KB:Would you state your name, rank, and current billet for the record please sir?JN:Col. Nathan R. Jessep, commanding officer, marine ground forces, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.Paul:I... I am so sorry I am late! It's just... it was... I had to pick up some um... reading materials on the way in, and then um... I had to... I was down campus, I had to catch um... I had to catch a... a bus, and um... and there was a train, and um... it's... Cityrail... you know.Judge:You'd better get somewhere fast with this, Lieutenant.Paul:Oh yeah, it's just... it's just that um... ok, um... I had to um... I had to borrow a hat, 'cause I left mine at home, and I was... so I had to go past Mel Gibson's place, and this was the only one he had, it was um... and yeah... Oh Christ no one's Jewish are they? It's just that... it's just that um... it's the only one he had, its... Is that Demi Moore?Judge:Lieutenant...Paul:Oh all right then... what's goin' on?JN:These two marines are on trial for their lives.Paul:Oh that's right, because they performed a "code red" on Private Santiago. So if I can convince the Jury that you gave them the order to give Santiago a code red, then you go to jail instead of them, is that right?JN:Yes.Paul:All righty then. Did you order the code red?JN:Yes.Paul:Oh...well that was easy! Mr Tom Cruise you sure know how to make a big deal out of nothing don't you?Spectator:Like War of the Worlds!Paul:Yeah... oh come on, it's all right...JN:No it's not. It's tragic.Paul:Why are you so uptight? I would have thought that Kevin Bacon over here would have er... "loosened you up" a bit before the trial!KB:Objection! I'd like to know just what the defense council is implying.Paul:I'm implying simply that the Colonel got to experience the full six degrees of Kevin Bacon, that's all!KB:Surely Col. Jessep doesn't need to appear in this courtroom to confirm that information...Paul:Have you been with anyone else in the courtroom? A judge... perhaps?Judge:You don't have to answer that question!Paul:So you like your men like you like your coffee, do you? Tall and black?Paul:Now, Colonel, in your personal items, there was something addressed to Mr Bacon. Now, why didn't you bring that to the attention of the court earlier?JN:I felt his life might be in danger once word of the letter got out.Paul:A love letter?JN:Is there another kind?Paul:Oh. I gather you two were close. How would you describe your relationship with Mr Bacon?JN:Ever put your life in another man's hands, asked him to put his life in yours?Paul:Why then in this letter do you say that you're breaking up with him, just because he's got a little... latitude?Judge:A very little latitude!Paul:It's that small?KB:(nods)Paul:Look Colonel, alls I really want to know is, why you broke up with Kevin Bacon?KB:Your honour, I'd like to ask for a recess.Judge:The court will wait for an answer.JN:My answer is I don't have the first damn clue.Paul:I don't believe that for a second! How could a man like you survive without Kevin Bacon releasing your sexual tension?JN:Sometimes men take matters into their own hands...Paul:Damn it, Colonel, just tell me the truth!JN:You can't handle the truth!Paul:What does that even mean? Look, surely it can't be that bad...JN:You have the luxury of not knowing what I know...Paul:You know what, I think I do know! You're in bed with Diane Keaton. Why else would you make that "Something's Gotta Give" tripe?JN:You snotty little bastard...Paul:I'm right, aren't I? You slept with her!JN:You're got damn right I did!