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Up From The Grave He A-Rose, or so goze the story. Iont kno. Aint like there any... more »
Published March 25, 2013 170 views More Info »
Happy Easter Weekends, everyone!
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
I loves three-day weekends!
Course, I own a trailer park,
so I pretty much got three-day weeks.
I got enough time to sit around
and talk to you assholes!
And really that's the onliest reason
to honor them holidays these days anyhow,
since there wasn't no Mayapocalypse
or Y2K Armageddon.
This, of course,
be How I Seize It
with the real, real REAL
REAL Loretta Jenkins.
And if you one of them poser-bitches
out there pretendin' that you me online?
I will kill you til you die from it!
I swear,
I feel like I got beer goggles on.
Y'all need to get me
one of them part-time, seein' eye Mexicans.
Aw shit,
I think-
Wait, hold up!
I think one of my contacts is in backwards!
Y'all hold up.
Yeah, so it's Easter Time.
First off,
I hate bunnies and rabbits and hares
and lemme tell you why!
This lazy coked-up asshole ex of mine?
He was like an animal hoarder?
He made us have these two rabbits in a cage
and lemme tell y'all somethin'-
Bunnies is deceivin'!
Oh you think they all cute
and sweet and furry and fun
until they shit everytime they hop.
It's like
Shit-Hop, Shit-Hop,
Shit-Hop, Shit-Hop!
There was just little tiny pellets
all around the what?
It was gross!
Buffy thought that was fuckin' kibble.
She went around snarfin' them little pellets up.
Her breath stank!
It was awful.
Half her hair fell out that summer.
And they fuckin' piddle smells like goddamn pneumonia!
But one day,
we was coked up for about a week or so-
Now, this was back durrin' my teen party years...
So one of them died,
and we had to give the other one
to a daycare center-
Or a butcher...
One of them, I don't rememeber.
Needless to say,
I did not get my deposit back on that place.
Y'all know what you call Easter Bunny poop?
I just kill me.
Has y'all ever heard anything
so funny in your entire
insignificant life?
Naw, I didn't think so...
So, Easter like a week long.
You know, like Hannukah...
Where we got a Manic Monday
and a Fat Tuesday
and an Ash Wednesday,
and then a Mondy Thursdee-
I don't know why we have another Mondy.
I figure it's somethin' Tuesday-
I mean somethin' Jewish.
And then a Good Friday,
and then a Sober-Up Saturday,
and then finally, Easter Sunday.
I been learnin' my calendar dates!
Nuckle Nocks, y'all!
Hey, I celebrate Fat Tuesday,
only I call it Skinny Tuesday
and I get liquored up
and I got down to the Piggly Wiggly
and I throw Healthy Choice
and Lean Cuisine at all the Tubbies
and all they Tubby Chirens!
Aww, good times.
And it's good for burnin' off
all these empty calories
I been power-guzzlin'!
I keep my shit tight.
I mean, like UH!
You know how some of them Jap gals
can pop out them pingo pongo balls?
Fuck, my shit so tight,
I can toss an Easter egg
clear across the White House lawn...
Course now I'm on some No-Fly list
for some Patriot Act bullshit.
So the story goes
Jesus was nailed up on a cross
and was there for three days
and forty nights
and then eventually, I don't know-
I reckon he died.
I don't know why they call it Good Friday.
But, then again, they on a far off time zone.
Maybe he did die on a Thursday
and that's why Thursday
ain't got no good holiday name.
So anyways,
they buried him
and then a couple of days later,
Jesus corpse mystically jump up
and run off on its own.
Now you can subscribe to that old miracle theory
or you can look at it
from a non-dumbass point of view.
I mean, come on,
isn't it more likely that somebody
just graverobbed him?
I mean we is talkin' about the bones
of Jesus H. Christ here-
I wonder if that H. is his middle name Hussein.
Cause Barack?
He the second comin'!
Y'all callin' him the AntiChrist?
Aww, fuck no...
Shit, them Jesus bones
is probably hangin' in some kinda
high school biology class
as far as we know.
Thou Shalt Obey The Substitute Teacher!
He makin' them youngins that's bad
stay in line.
Now I'm a stickler for genres,
so I calls pre-Easter Jesus,
just 'Jesus,'
or 'Regular Jesus,'
and I call post-Easter Jesus
'Zombie Jesus.'
On a count where else in history
you ever heard of somebody
raisin' up from the dead
unless they was a-comin' to eat ya!?
Hey, if I bury any y'all
and y'all come up behind me like
'Hey! I Has Risen!'
I'm gonna clock you in the head
with my Colt 45,
you can bet your ass on that one!
I ain't sure where all the easter grass
and bunnies and quack quacks,
Cadbury Eggs and jelly bean,
and flowers and candy and shit
got to do with Jesus raisin' up from the dead,
or why anybody wanna be caught dead
in a big ol' pastel hat,
but whatever make your dick feel bigge
that's I always say.
So story has it that Jesus come callin'
on Virgin Mary and Slutty Mary and
Peter Paul Mary
and then ascended to Heavens
and then he's like,
"I'll Be Back."
And that's as far as most of us believes
the story goes,
unless you wanna get into that
Jehovah Witness
Mormon Cult-Teachin' Theory.
That's the end!
And that's How I Seize It!