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So ever for yeers ar so, we parade a buncha hot air polatisherns an vote on who gits... more »
Published November 06, 2012 440 views More Info »
Don't just your sets everyone.
Just sits put!
I ain't meanin' to fuck up y'alls' biological clock
since it ain't Friday-
But we are gatherin' together drankin' buddies,
cause this is a monumentous occasion.
(blows horn)
Aw fuck, man...
(blows horn)
It's a 2012 How I Seize It
Election Extravaganza!
Portions pre-recorded.
With special correspondence and color analysis
curtsy Loretta Jenkins.
So big question is...
Who gonna be elected leader as the free world?
Barack Obama...
or that Mormon S.O.B.
who runned an Olympics once
and governed a state that was ranked 50 in jobs?
Which one do I...

Let's take a look at our candytits!
Now Obama, he done some good stuffs.
Can't be easy cleanin' up 8 years of elephant shit.
I spent my summers cleanin' out
horse stalls at halfway camps,
so trust my professional instinct.
Shit sticks to any and everything.
Now I hope this don't sound racialist, uh-
Now, I don't see him as the Black Devil
like most folks around here does-
Clearly, I am in the minority there.
But I do agree he is a little slow on gettin' shit done,
but I just chalk that up to B.P.T.
Y'all know that termalogical, right?
Black People Time?
Is that rude to bring up?
I mean...
That's just somethin' I done heard all my life.
I hear it's a real thing.
Hell, y'all gived George Bush 8 years
to bull-in-a-China-shop
around our economy and world reputation.
Well y'all can just recognize that these Obama years
is just the equal and opposite reaction.
Then again,
maybe it take him forever and a day
to get a goddamn thing done
cause all you ranky file Pelicans-
G.O. Pains-In-My-Asses!
I got a million of 'em, y'all...
Aww, man I feel sorry for old
Alzheimer-strick Clint Eastwood.
He used to be hot
and now they lettin' him
talk to empty chairs in public.
That's rightly sad.
I ain't gonna believe him no more
when he says, "Make my day."
They needa get him another monkey.
Why don't we just do away with political parties
and vote a hero among the masses
instead of just the lesser of two shit heads?
Oooh, oooh, oooh!
And maybe the one that loses,
he the one that gets to be vice president.
That seem rightly fair.
They should at least get somethin'
besides the label of 'loser.'
Hell, get me an NCAA tourney bracket up in here-
That'll decipher us a good president.
Do that process elimination shit.
And then them Final Four,
we just drop them in a chariot
and let them fights to the death for it.
Poof and wonderment,
I done rid the world of career politicians.
Man, I ought to be a goddamn senator.
Oooh, here's a light-shedder!
Y'all know our votes don't even matter no mores?
Not for nothin'.
They sayin' only people in
Virginia and Ohio and Florida
can pick a president!
I'm like,
'Goddamn...We fucked now!'
What the fuck them idgits know?
Especially them Florida mother fuckers,
they shouldn't even be allowed to vote no mores.
I mean HELLO???
Bush v. Gore?
And I heard they's this college
that that's where they really vote the election.
Poplar vote just a smokescreen.
And then them candidates in that college?
They ain't gots to have but like 270 votes to win.
That don't make no sense!
Hell, they call the win 'fore
half the country even waked up!
Shit, that's like disenfranchisin' voters,
especially in like Hawaii.
Hell, they almost in like China time!
Well, they was gonna vote for Obama anyways.
If y'all wear a grass skirt
or you slumdog through the snow
in your Eskimo costume to the polls...
Well, sorry about your time zones,
but your vote don't count.
Go home and get high
or blow your brains out,
whichever way you was plannin' on votin'.
Hell, I was on my way down to the post office
when I heard somebody done said
they done called our state
for that Mormon fuck.
I'm so shame...
That's emascapatin' makin' somebody
feel like they vote don't count!
It's emancipatin'.
I don't know, Mona!
Do I look like a goddamn English teacher?
What was I talkin' about?
We back to live election coverage...
Since this be the president
that'll lead us through that Incan Rapture
that's just comin' around the bend.
Oh look...
Utah done went the way of Romney.
I don't think so.
Has y'all seen them commercials?
The Mormons has mainstreamed.
They might be amongst you right now!
Eww, aliens gives me shivers, y'alls...
Luckily, most Americans got prejudice,
and they ain't gonna vote for no cult leader.
I swear to God,
if this motherfucker wins,
I'm gonna exercise my dual citizenship
and I'm headed on back up to Canada!
Y'all mark up words.
Alright, I'm sorry about the delay.
Let's go over here and see if they
called the race for one of these fellers.
Oh yeah!
Look folks, there it is!
They done called the election for...
Barack Hussein Obama!!!
(blows horn)
"Oh...Spangled Banner..."
Hot damn, hell fire!
We dodged a bullet there.
This hath restored my faith in America, y'all!
Let's get started on that 2016 election.
C-Words, y'all...
Clinton, Cuomo, Camelot.
And that's How I Seize It!
Better luck next time, Mormon!
(evil laughs)
(demonic laughs)
Four more years! Whoo.
Four More Years! Whoo!