How I Seize It #3: "Beauty Tips"

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How I Seize It

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Cindajmc

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(sniff)
We's back to How I Seize It.

Now this part of my segment
is takin' letters to Loretta.
Some of y'all that knowed that I was good
at opinionatin'
sent me some letters.
I'm gonna have to wear
my spectacles to read the letters.

"Dear Loretta,
I got these teeny little white hairs
what grows outta my chin.
I been pullin' them suckers for 40 years.
Iffin' I'd have left them alone,
they'd be...
...draggin' on the ground by now.
I'd look like one of them Jewish fellers
what let's their beards grow.
And they sharp as knives too.
What is your beautifying tip for this...
...malrady?"
Well I don't-
I don't know what no malrady is.
I reckon it's a dilemma.
Well, I'm gonna say right off
I hope you ain't in the food service business.
I wouldn't wanna be eatin'
nothin' you been cookin'.
It might have a beard hair in it.
Damn woman, how old are you?
Cause if you been pullin' and pluckin' for 40 years-
See that's usually a sign of menopause,
so that puts you at about 100.
You might not be 100,
but you got to be old.
You probably got one of these
what I call a 'gobbler.'
Get you one of them surgers-
surgies-
surgeries where they just cut your chin off
and they'll take this gobbler skin
and sew it up back up to your bottom lip
and then, you won't have to worry
about it no more.
Alright.
Now thinkin' all this surgeries on the gobble
and chin stuff, it's got me to-
I'm gonna let you in on a little somethin'.
All this talkin' on healthcare...
I'm can let you in on how to get yourself set up.
Now what you do
is you just hurt yourself just a little bit-
-just enough to get you into the emergency room-
-and when you get in there,
they'll give you like, I don't know...
...like 30 Lortabs right at first.
Well on Day 2 you call up there
and you tell that nurse
that you got your purse stole.
Now, they'll get you a refill just like that!
Alright, now when you about to run out of that first one,
you just call up there and you just scream
bloody murder, like you hurtin' like a sumbitch
and then they'll refill it again.
Oh shit!
I forgot.
What you do is you tell them that them painkillers
is givin' you the shits,
and they'll switch you over to Oxy-
That's when you know you made it.
I mean I knowed this one girl.
She pulled out all of her teeth,
jecked out one of her toenails.
She gived herself an ear-piercing infection
on purpose!
She went up there to that emergency room
and she got herself something like-
Shit! It was soemthin' like...
200 Lortabs!
Course, I think she was blowin' her pharmacist.
But anyhow, she got about four days worth.
A little secret for you.
Shit!
I forgot that bologna fryin' in there.
Gonna burn the trailer down.
(footsteps)
What the hell is that camera doin' on for?
I hope I wasn't naked again.