Downton Diddy

(slow piano music)
Sean Combs: Okay.
Sean Combs: And send.
Sean Combs: Hello everyone.
Sean Combs: This is Sean Combs coming to you live
Sean Combs: from my office with some very,
very, very exciting news.
Sean Combs: It's about my favorite show
of all time, Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: Yes, I am a Abbeyhead
proudly, yes, yes, yes.
Sean Combs: Last week, it was reported that they
have casted the first black cast member
Sean Combs: on Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: The only problem with this is, I
already broke down that barrier.
Sean Combs: I'm making an announcement.
Sean Combs: I'm the first black cast member
on Downtown, Down, Downton Abbey,
Sean Combs: whatever the fuck it's called.
Sean Combs: On Downton Abbey and I've
got the scenes to prove it.
Sean Combs: Y'all check it out.
(classical music)
Female: Welcome to Downton.
Sean Combs: Why thank you.
Sean Combs: I'm Lord Wolcott and I'm the
new owner of Downtown Abbey.
Hugh Bonneville: This is Carson, we
would be lost without him.
Sean Combs: Well, pleasure to meet you Carson.
Hugh Bonneville: Mama, may I present Mrs. Crawley.
Mrs. Crawley: What should
we call each other?
Maggie Smith: Well, we could always start
with Mrs. Crawley and Lady Grantham.
Sean Combs: Oh, that was a little bitchy.
Sean Combs: Well, everybody just
go on like I'm not here
Sean Combs: but I will reiterate
my name is Lord Wolcott
Sean Combs: and I am the new owner of Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: I love it here.
Rob James-Collier: Don't worry sir.
Rob James-Collier: I've got sharp eyes for
anything out of order.
Sean Combs: I understand what you're doing.
Sean Combs: You're keeping these hoes
in check around here.
Sean Combs: Always need something like that.
Sean Combs: What the
Sean Combs: motherfucker!
Sean Combs: What's wrong with you?
Rob James-Collier: I'm sorry sir.
Sean Combs: Good god, have
you lost yourself man?
Sean Combs: I can't love you.
Sean Combs: Not when I love Sybil and Mary
Sean Combs: and Mrs. Patmore.
Sean Combs: and the Dowager Countess
Sean Combs: and a couple more of them maids.
Sean Combs: How could I have room for you?
Sean Combs: Hold up.
Sean Combs: Put your hand on my face one more time.
Sean Combs: Good, that's enough.
Sean Combs: I think I have room for you.
Sean Combs: I love you Thomas.
Sean Combs: I'm Lord Wolcott
Sean Combs: and I love everybody.
Sean Combs: Everybody welcome first ever white party.
Sean Combs: Enjoy yourselves.
Sean Combs: Have fun.
(brooding music)
(gun shot)
(man gasps)
Male: You don't want to leave.
Hugh Bonneville: I still won't take your money.
Sean Combs: Hey guys!
Sean Combs: Up here!
Sean Combs: It's me Lord Wolcott!
Sean Combs: Come on up!
Sean Combs: It's delightful!
Sean Combs: I love it here at Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: I hate it here at Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: Mm, this fancy cake is divine.
Sean Combs: Do I detect a little nutmeg?
Sean Combs: I am lord of this godforsaken manor
Sean Combs: and all who oppose me shall perish!
Sean Combs: You say they call it a telephone?
Sean Combs: Hello?
Male: [Look out]!
Sean Combs: Well, I knew you could walk!
Judge: Guilty [unintelligible]
Sean Combs: What in the hell?
Sean Combs: You my good man, are a wonderful doctor.
Sean Combs: You ain't shit.
Sean Combs: This world war is so dreadful.
Sean Combs: I pray there's not a World War II.
Sean Combs: You wanna invest our money
into railroads in Canada?
Sean Combs: Nay, Lord Grantham.
Sean Combs: I found this little company named IBM.
Sean Combs: You may not know about it
but our kids will love it.
Sean Combs: All right, goddammit, y'all caught me.
Sean Combs: I'm not the real Lord Wolcott.
Sean Combs: My name is Budglee Shumpner.
Sean Combs: That's my real name.
Penelope Wilton: Well, I don't know this young
man aside from good morning and goodnight
Penelope Wilton: but he strikes me as a very
interesting addition to the family.
Maggie Smith: Oh, here we go.
Sean Combs: Here we go indeed.
Sean Combs: Now, why don't we stop this bickering
Sean Combs: and have a sip of some libation.
Sean Combs: Now, I want you two to kiss in front of me
Sean Combs: and I want you to use your tongues.
Sean Combs: Yeah, I love it here in Downtown Abbey.
Sean Combs: I wanna stay here forever and ever.
Sean Combs: Lord Wolcott loves Downtown Abbey
Sean Combs: and will be here forever.
Sean Combs: I proclaim.
Sean Combs: Wow.
Sean Combs: Now, that was some riveting period drama
Sean Combs: but you could check it out
yourself Abbeyheads right here.
Sean Combs: Here I am, in between
these two white people.
Sean Combs: You gotta make sure you get the
Lord Wolcott edition though.
Sean Combs: You could find that
Sean Combs: um, I don't know where you could find that
Sean Combs: but when you find it, I'll be on there
Sean Combs: and in there and I just have
to set the record straight,
Sean Combs: this is some real masterpiece
theater right here.
Sean Combs: Thank you, thank you.
Sean Combs: God bless.
(lively music)