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Dave, a starving screenwriter new to LA, is invited for dinner by his distant cousin... more »
Published March 30, 2010 7k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Billy Duberstein - Writer / Director, co-editor
Marcus Kayne - Producer
Erin Cardillo Co-Producer
Ramin Rahmanpour - Associate Producer, editor
Marc Franklin - Editor / Sound /post-production supervisor
Matt Egan - Cinematographer
CAST
Adam Kulbersh - Dave
Erin Cardillo - Lauren
Dylan Fergus - Paul
Finneus Egan - Pete
Officer Bob - Eddie Adams
Officer Mel - nelson Pena
383 Funny Votes
145 Die Votes
7,005 Views
Published March 30, 2010
(ringing)
0:10 DAVE: Hello?
0:11 PAUL: Dave? It’s your cousin, Paul.
0:13 DAVE: Who?
0: 15 PAUL: Paul. we met at the family reunion a few years ago.
0: 19DAVE: Oh, Paul. We’re like third cousins, right?
0: 23 PAUL: Second.

Title, music

0: 27 PAUL: So, I heard you just moved ot LA and you didn’t tell me, you punk. You’re gonna be a screenwriter?
0: 32 DAVE: Well, that’s the plan. Who gave you this number?
0: 35 PAUL: -- Because I’m an actor. I’m on that new soap opera “Hot Haunted Hospital.” You ever write that kind of stuff?
0:40 DAVE: Um, no.

Title, music

0: 47 PAUL: Listen, why don’t you come over for dinner, tonight?
0: 49 DAVE: That’s alright, I don’t want to impose.
0: 51 PAUL: Impose! Please! You’re family. You’re new in town –
0: 53 DAVE: That’s okay, really.
0: 55PAUL: I’m taking gourmet cooking lessons.
0: 57DAVE: Gourmet?
0: 58PAUL: That’s right. Gourmet.

Title musc

1:07 PAUL: Now Lauren gets home around 8 –
1: 09 DAVE: Uh, Lauren?...
1: 11 PAUL: Oh, yeah, she’s my girlfriend. She’s this underwear model slash actress. Anyway, she gets home from her photo shoot around 8, so can I expect you around 8:30?
1: 25 DAVE: What should I wear?

Paul opens door for Dave

1: 31 PAUL: Cuzzy bear!
1: 33 DAVE: Hey, Paul.
1: 35 LAUREN: Is he here?
1: 36 PAUL: Of course he’s here. What do you think I’m rehearsing?
1: 42 LAUREN: Hi Dave, I’m Lauren.
1: 45 DAVE: Hey.
1 : 47 PAUL: Well come on! Get in here with your bad self!

1: 50 DAVE: Mmm. What smells so good?
1: 51PAUL: Ah. Chateaubriand with a creamy béarnaise sauce. Grilled asparagus and roasted potatoes and a desert… a desert my friend that is literally, to die for.
2: 01 LAUREN: He’s so good in the kitchen. All my friends think that Paul is a closet homosexual. I tell you, sometimes I’m not so sure anymore!
2: 09 PAUL: Ha, that’s funny, honey. That’s hilarious. Dave, have a seat.
2: 20 DAVE: Ok…. Oh, what happened to your lamp?
2: 25 PAUL: Oh, I… just knocked it over. Slaving over this delicious meal we’re all about to eat…. Because I’m the only one who cooks around here!
2: 31 LAUREN: He’s also clumsy.
2: 33 DAVE: Do you have any superglue? I could probably fix the –
2: 36 PAUL: --Superglue! Oh, yes, it’s in that little drawer right over there. I’m gonna get your salad.

2: 46 PAUL: Don’t leave the over door halfway open. It can bounce up and burn you.
2: 48 LAUREN: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?
2:50 PAUL: Don’t be stupid, okay? I just don’t want to have to drive you to the hospital.
2: 52 LAUREN: Oh, well thanks for your concern!
2:54 PAUL: IS it ready?
2: 56 LAUREN: Idon’t know. Are you “ready” to start acting like an adult??
2: 59 PAUL: Me? !
3: 00 LAUREN: No, the midgets in the corner.
3:01 PAUL: Okay! Enough! Dave is waiting for his salad!
3: 04 LAUREN: Oh! Well, excuse you!

3: 07 PAUL: Voila! Watercress, orange, and endive salad.
3: 13 DAVE: Oh, wow…
3: 15 LAUREN: You are such a faggot… Dressing, Dave?
3: 31 DAVE: Uh… sure.
3: 45 LAUREN:: I mean, what the fuck is an endive, right?
3: 56 DAVE: Uh-huh.

(looks at boobs, squirts, glue)

4: 06 LAUREN Thanks for fixing the lamp, Dave.
4: 08 DAVE: Oh sure, it’s no problem.
4: 12 LAUREN: You’re very considerate…. Come. Sit. Have some of Paul’s gay salad.

Dave comes over to the table.

4: 33 LAUREN: Wine?
4: 34 DAVE: Uh…
4: 36 LAUREN: Yes, yes, have some.
4: 40 PAUL: Food’s ready! Honey, can you come in here and grab onto that meat, see if it’s done?
4:43 LAUREN: Do what? (spills) Oh! Dave, I am so sorry…
4: 47 DAVE: Oh, it’s alright..
4: 49 LAUREN: We’ll just take it off an put it in the laundry. That’s okay. Come on. Of with it…
4: 56 DAVE: Okay.
4: 57 PAUL: Whoa! What’s goin on, here?
4: 59 DAVE: Oh, just a spill…
5: 02 PAUL: And she calls me clumsy…
5: 03 LAUREN: Fuck you!.... I’ll be right back.

5: 16 PAUL: It’s just that time of the month.
5: 19 DAVE: I should go….
5: 21 PAUL: No! No! Dave, I spent all day preparing this meal for you…. Because we’re cousins, Dave.
5: 31 DAVE: Second cousins…
5: 32 PAUL: Still, it’s a relationship that I take very seriously… And don’t forget, the dessert is literally, to die for. That reminds me, I gotta put it in the oven!
5: 52 LAUREN: Okay! That should only take a second… Ooh Dave, have you been working out?
6 00 DAVE: Oh, yeah, well I do some stuff.
6: 02 : PAUL: Honey, would you be a doll and come help me in here?

6: 10 PAUL: What did I tell you about the oven?
6: 12 LAUREN: Come on…
6:14 PAUL: Oh, why are you laughing? What are you, a fucking idiot?
6: 17 LAUREN: Will you move? I have to cut the steaks open.
6: 19 PAUL: Don’t use the butcher knife.
6:21 LAUREN: Why is it too big for you? You scared?
6: 23 PAUL: Just stop being an idiot, just put it down.
6: 24 LAUREN: No! I want to use it!
6: 25 PAUL: Ah!

Paul limps to the couch.

6: 30 LAUREN: Well, that is what you get for prancing around barefoot.
6: 35 PAUL: Doh! I suppose it’s my fault you stabbed me in the foot wit a knife! Jesus, Christ, woman! What are you, an alien from outer space sent here to ruin my existence on earth?!

Lauren cries and runs into the room.

6: 56 PAUL: Oh, Dave, I’m sorry. Listen --
6: 59 DAVE: Uh, I gotta go.
7: 01 PAUL: No! Please! Sit down! Please? Look, the foods almost read and you’ve come all this way. We’ll just patch this thing up and we’ll be right back.

7: 15 PAUL: Lauren –
7: 16 LAUREN: Fuck you…
7: 17 PAUL: Honey please –
7: 18 LAUREN: Fuck you, you fucking fucker!
7: 20 PAUL: For God’s sakes, woman, he will hear you!
7: 22 LAUREN: It’s too late.. the cat’s out of the bag, Paul!
7: 24 PAUL: Do not say that! This is a very important night.
7: 26 LAUREN: Important! Well, if throwing a temper tantrum at me is your idea of entertaining guests –
7: 29 PAUL: You stabbed me in the foot!
7: 31 LAUREN: No, I didn’t!


7: 36 LAUREN: -- You don’t even know what a Freeudian slip is, you fucking loser.
7: 38 PAUL: Yes, he was the one who said there are no accidents.
7: 40 LAUREN: Oh, you are just like my mother.
7: 42 PAUL: Do not bring your mother into this.
7: 44 LAUREN: Vicki Cooper Vivki Cooper Vicki Cooper
7: 46 PAUL: Stop it! Just stop it! You’re embarrassing me!
7: 48 LAUREN: There it is. It’s all about you, little Paulie Flando. You care more about your fucking cousin, than you do about talking to me!
7: 58 PAUL: Stop being hysterical.
7: 59 LAUREN: Don’t call me hysterical!
8: 00 PAUL: Well what are you then?!
8: 02 LAUREN: You know what?! Go suck a dick, Paul!
8: 04 PAUL: Oh! Very mature, Lauren. Why don’t you just go advertise what fantastic dinner etiquette you have to this whole neighborhood!
8: 08 LAUREN: Well if you’re so concerned about mylanguage, why don’t you just go suck a dick Paul!...
8: 17 LAUREN I’m telling your mother, you homo!
8: 19 Paul: DO not call my mother.
8: 21 LAUREN: Oh, I’m calling her, right now!
8: 23 PAUL: You will not call that woman! Never!
8: 25 LAUREN: Homo!
8: 26 PAUL: Lauren –
8: 27 LAUREN: Homo!
8: 29 PAUL: By the way, your hair is a disaster right now!

8: 37 PAUL: What are you doing?
8: 39 DAVE: I uh, glued myself to your floor.
8: 44 PAUL: On purpose?
8: 46 DAVE: Could you – could you just help me?
8: 47 PAUL: I dunno, man. I heard that stuff’s pretty strong. You could rip your skin right off if you’re not careful.
8: 51 DAVE: Really?
8: 53 PAUL: Don’t worry, cuz. I’m gonna go to the hardware store. Get some anti-adhesive. I’ll be right back.
8: 57 DAVE: I don’t think the hardware store is open on a Sunday night!

Lauren comes out.

9: 07 LAUREN: Oh, you’re still here?
9: 12 DAVe: I’m, uh, stuck.
9: 15 LAUREN: Stuck. What do you mean?
9: 19 DAVE: I , uh, just glued myself to you floor.
9: 23 LAUREN: Oh…You poor thing!

She turns on the lamp.

9: 51 LAUREN: I’m sorry about tonight.
9: 53 DAVE: It’s alright.
9: 55 LAUREN: There’s been some tension between me and paul recently.
10: 00 DAVE: Oh?
10: 02 LAUREN: Yeah. Can I ask you a question?
10: 08 DAVE: Uh, sure.
10: 10 LAUREN: Do you like my nails?
10: 11DAVE: Yeah.
10:13 LAUREN: Paul said they were ugly. You know, maybe you and I have much more in common that me and Paul.
10:19 DAVe: Oh, I don’t know about that…
10: 22 LAUREN: He is sooo self-invovled. . But not you. You even fixed our lamp.
10: 30 DAVE: Welll, I am handy with stuff.

(she mounts him)

10: 35 DAVE: Oh, Lauren, I don’t know…
10: 37 LAUREN: Shhhh… Don’t speak.

(she bends down, Paul enters)

10: 54 PAUL: I totally forgot, the hardware store is closed on a – Whoa! What the hell is going on?!
10: 59 LAUREN: What do you think?!
11: 00 DAVE: No, not that.
11: 02 LAUREN: You and I are through Paul! I need someone sensitive, like Dave.
11: 06 PAUL: Like Dave? Are you kidding?!
11: 09 LAUREN: You haven’t been able to satisfy my needs Paul!
11: 12 PAUL: Needs? Like what? Your fucking shopping addiction?
11:14 DAVE: Hey, guys, how about dessert?!
11: 15 LAUREN: All my needs. Emotionally, or otherwise… Looks like Dave won’t have that problem.
11: 25 DAVE: Oh, God.
11: 27 PAUL: That’s it!

Paul runs to the kitchen, then emerges with the knife.

11: 34 PAUL: Let’s see how you like being stabbed with a knife!

(Chase….)

Dave gets the phone off the table, calls Pete:

12: 31 DAVE: Oh, c’mon! Pick up, Pete!
12: 43 PETE: mmhello.
12 :44 DAVE; Pete! Pete hey!
12: 46 PETE: Dave! What’s up, buddy?
12: 48 DAVE: I need you to come get me. I’m at my cousin’s house.
12: 50 PETE: No.
12: 51 DAVE: Pete! It’s an emergency.
12: 53 PETE: What do you mean? I’m busy.
12:56 DAVE: I glued myself to their floor.
13: 00 PETE: Ha. Right…
13: 01 DAVE: No! Pete! We live around the corner just come get me!
13: 03 PETE; See ya.
13: 04 DAVE: Pete! No Pete! Franklin Towers, 4E.


Dave calls 911

13: 23 911 OPERATOR: 911 emergency…
13: 25 DAVE: Oh, I gotta call you back…. Lauren??... Hello??

She comes out with a gun…

13: 31 DAVE: Ohmigod, Lauren! Just – just take it easy.
13: 38 LAUREN: Don’t worry Dave. Soon, we’ll be together.
13: 41 DAVE: Listen, I…
13: 43 LAUREN: Won’t we??
13: 45 DAVE: Uh, sure.
13: 47 LAUREN: Sit tight, baby, I’m gonna go try to pick him off.


Pete enters.

13: 59 PETE: Whoa, you weren’t bullshittin’.
14: 02 DAVE: Help me up, now.
14: 07 PETE: Okay, okay. How do we do this.
14: 11 DAVE: Just yank me up.
14: 14 PETE: Are you sure? I heard you can rip your skin right off.
14: 15 DAVE: I don’t care!
14: 19 PETE: Okay….

He pulls him…

14: 24 LAUREN: Come up here and you DIE MOTHERFUCKER!
14: 27 DAVE: Whoa, take it easy!
14: 29 LAUREN: It’s a little late for that, DAVE. Who the fuck are you?!
14: 32 PETE: Pete.
14: 33 DAVE: Ah!
14: 35 LAUREN: Stay right there.. Oh, shit! Where’d he go!

Paul enters

14: 41 LAUREN: You. Freeze.
14: 43 PAUL: Hello, honey.
14: 45 LAUREN: Where’s the knife, honey?
14: 48 PAUL: I dropped it.
14: 50 LAUREN: You are a terrible actor!
14; 52 PAUL: You’re a terrible actor!
14: 54 DAVE: Pull me up! Pull me up!
14: 57 PAUL: Just relax honey
14: 59 LAUREN: Stay right there.
15: 01 PAUL: Put the gun down and we’ll settle this lik mature adults…
15: 08 DAVE: Pull harder ! Pull harder!
15: 10 LAUREN : Shooting you is going to be soooooo worth it!
15: 15 PAUL: Go ahead! Do it! Come one please put me out of my misery!
15: 19 DAVE: I’m gonna die now.
15: 20 PETE: Come on….
15: 22 PAUL: Do it! Do it, now! Pull the trigger and do it, nowww!!!!!!

Door opens. Cops enter.
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