How I Seize It #32: "Justin Bieber"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Here we go!
Wait.
There.
Hey y'all.
This here's Loretta Jenkins
bringin' you your weekly dose
of How I Seize It.
NO!
I ain't talkin' to you no more!

There.
Hey y'all.
This here's Loretta Jenkins
bringin' you your weekly dose of-
Shit!
I'm caught in a groundhog loop.
Now, two things that really burns my griddle
is ignorant youngins and shitty tunes.
Y'all, I swear it never ceases to wonder me
what kind of crap passes for music these days.
Chrystal's teenyboppers got that shit
blarin' out of the girls' side
of that extra trailer day in and out.
Finally, I had to cut they power off.
Hey, I told them bitches
that music hours was between
2:18 and 2:43
every third Tuesday,
but they ain't the brightest
of the crop of bulbs.
One of them's a natural blonde
so, nuff said.
And the other one ain't never got her face
out of that thing, that-
Click, click, click...
LOL...
A phone, yeah!
A phone.
Stupid bitches.
(burps)
And then, when I went over there,
they had that little old butch gal's
magazine pictures all taped up
next to each other like wallpaper-
Like a shrine!
Y'all know that one,
that Justin Beeper...
That 'singer' that used to have
the lesbian haircut...
Yeah, him...
Her.
Man, that ain't no good music, y'all...
He ain't no Davy Jones,
that's for damn sure.
They ought to be worshippin' the Lord
instead of this felle
that ain't even reached puberty yet.
Hey, did y'all see the episode
of CSI he was in?
Hey, Justin!
Stick to music,
if that's what you gotta call it.
(laughs)
I ought to be a professional heckler.
(laughs)
(coughs)
Ew...
That's green.
And you know he's from Canada, too,
so I reckon I need to cut him a little sack,
since he reppin' the home country.
Don't let my accent fool you,
cause I don't forget where I come from, A!
Oooh! Oooh!
This one woman wrotes me an email
wantin' to know did I get my idea for gettin' famous
from YouTube since Justin Bieber did it.
And if you out there watchin',
that would be a resoundin'
'Hell to the Naw!'
Like I need to take some advice
from some little boy
that looks like a Cabbage Patch doll?
You stoop.
I miss good music like
Sinatry and CCR
and The Supremes
before Donna Ross had to go
and fuck it all up...
And this Justin,
he out there doin' mall tours
like he Debbie Gibson or Tiffany
or some shit like that.
Well we all see what a good business decision that was
since probably about half of y'all out there
even wonderin' who them two bitches are.
And anyways,
I take offence for all you queers out there,
cause Beezer says he don't know
if bein' gay is a choice or not.
He got his own line of nail varnishes, y'all.
I mean that speaks volumes.
I give him about five years
before he know the answer
to that question inside out.
You know what I mean...
I mean since he can't sing,
he ought to just go try
to get on Project Runway or somethin'.
Now, I ain't gonna call him queers yet,
cause he underage...
But don't be surprised,
you little teenybitches out there,
if you suddenly disappointed one day
when the little queen
come bustin' out of the closet!
(burps)
That's How I Seize It.
And you heard it here first.
(music)
(singing)
Baby, baby, baby, oh...
Aw shit!
Hey!