or
If yall lets yur little wuns warch enny show wiff dis hore on it, well yew only gonna... more »
Published March 05, 2012 210 views More Info »
Hey!
(clears throat)
Hellurrr...
Welcome onto How I Seize It,
your new cult favorite for everything that's mean and complainy
and I'm just the bitch with the bitchies bitchins of them all,
Loretta Jenkins.
Y'all like my bling?
I'm just sittin' here enjoyin' my Coors Royale.
Got some fruit...bird heart?
Somethin'. I won't be eatin' what's floatin' in the bottom.
I don't do solids.
And thanky to y'all for makin me famous for my opinionations
cause...at least that's somethin'!
A lotta thought and good liquor goes into my HISIs
and there ain't nothin' that piss me off more
than famous people gettin' famous for nothin'!
So I fractured my wrist punchin' out that spritzer bitch at the JC Penney-
God Almighty, I hate it when them bitches come up
and squirt that shit on you without even askin'
I mean what if you was fatal allergic?
I'm lost.
Huh?
So, I was bedridden for about a week,
and so I thought I'd flicker through the channels
and see if your girl Lo had got on the E Channel yet.
Well, I hadn't.
Oh, but they done let that Kim Kardashian get her another show.
Talentless slut.
I think it's funny them TV execs out there thinks we oughta be takin'
fashion advice from some bitch who's only been famous for bein' naked!
Goddamnit!
Leave somethin' to the imagination.
And how come she didn’t get like grounded or nothin'
from that daggo sex tape she made?
Hell, if that had been my youngin showin' her poonana
out there to the whole world,
I'd be bringin' female circumcision back in style
with the nearest paperclip I could find
throwin' that shame up on the Jenkins family name!
Shit, I think sometimes California oughta just fall off into the ocean
and let's start over a new West Coast with like-
Ooooh! We could have Las Vegas as the new L. A.
I mean, that's where all the real talent is anyway.
You know...
Wayne Newton...
and Sheener Easton and the Sunshine Band
and Liza Manilli Vanilli Ice.
I oughta get me a show out there.
Would y'all pay a ticket to come see me?
Now y'all, normally I'm the first to celebrate and bask in my slutiness
cause I think a sexual prowess invoke a good ego
and confidence in gettin' in touch with your girl power,
but goddang we let this shit get outta hand, y'all.
Cause her bein' a slut? It's all our faults.
We are too liberal in this country when it come
to doling out the title of celebrity.
Girl, you ain't no celebrity just because 'crooked-pussy'
Paris Hilton taught you how to slut yourself out!
Crooked...
(laughs)
Y'all, this whore got a bazillion followers on Twizzler.
Now what kinda example is we settin' for future generations
with this kinda slut worship?
Basically, all this is sayin' is...
'Celebrate your pussy, youngins!'
'Toss your titties around on the internets!'
'How about a reality show to see who give the best blowjob?'
Now hold up, Kim.
Cocksuckin' ain't the road to fame.
Cause if it was, then hell, I'd done been famous
before I hit middle school.
(laughs, coughs)
Y'all we need to watch it.
Cause just about every 20 years or so
we get a little crazy and have to suffer that conservative backlash.
Just like when the hippies catapulted us into the Reagan Era.
I ain't goin' back to shoulder pads, y'all.
I'd rather die.
I already built like a linebacker.
Now, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that
apparently since the rules has done changed
on what's bein' slutty and what's acceptable behavior,
we oughta give Vanessa Williams her Miss America crown back.
And that’s How I Seize It.
Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web