How I Seize It #56: BLIND DATES

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LORETTA: Ooooh...
Hey-
CHANTAL: See? See what you done did,
you ignorant fucktwats?
LORETTA: Hey, this here's Loretta Jenkins
on another episode of How I Seize It and-
Hey! Kudos on the 'fucktwats,' Chantaquillolly.
CHANTAL: Chantalasmoniqui.
LORETTA: Yeah, whatever...
CHANTAL: It's my new catchphrase.
Seein' of how I'm cohost and all of
How I Seize It with (Loretta Jenkins)
and CHANTALASMONIQUI JONES!!!
LORETTA: Shotgun!
'Fucktwats' is hereby the power vested in me
the eminent domain of Loretta Jenkins
and How I Seize It
AND the newly formed LoJenk Inc.
CHANTAL: Always stealin' from us.
LORETTA: Don't get your big ass too comfy over there,
cause in the mornin'
Deputy Schmoe gonna come over here and cut us up,
soon as I take care of his mornin' wood.
(laughs)
CHANTAL: God, not again.
He cries afterwards.
Mmm hmm...
Boom I Fucked Your Boyfriend!
I Fucked Your Man!
LORETTA: When?
CHANTAL: 20 minutes ago.
Wah... Waaaaaah....
(laughs)
LORETTA: Now seriously y'all,
let's stop the presses and
button down the goddamn hatches,
cause you heard it here first
and you gonna keep on hearin' it
until I draws my last breath
or or or draft bee
or my Social Security check.
Cause I am the one and the only-est
Loretta Jenkins.
Sure as Jesus is real
and I hope he is
cause unless if he ain't
there's a bunch of us gonna be feelin'
real stoop when we pass on.
CHANTAL: I am not with this bitch.
LORETTA: That's right bruggers and sissins.
This here is How I Seize It
and I am pissed off to no end
and you girl, you know what I'm talkin' about too.
CHANTAL: Witness, Sister Lo. Witness!
(barks)
LORETTA: (coughs)
I thought they gived you some pills for that.
(coughs)
CHANTAL: Shut up...
LORETTA: Ooh! Development.
We done bonded here
over our hatred of the menfolk,
cause we had to go out on a blind date togethe
seein' how we shackled up like Siamese twins here.
And then, and then...
Needless to say it did not go well.
CHANTAL: No...
LORETTA: Hold on.
Let me exercise some demons.
CHANTAL: Get them out, girl.
Get it out!
Get the sangria in the blood.
Blood of Jesus!
(singing)
'The blood,
Washed in the blood of Jesus...'
LORETTA: Now why you gotta go doin' all that?
CHANTAL: Do what?
LORETTA: We ain't at one of your churches where everybody
flail all around on the ground like a fish outta water.
Jeez Peez, Louise!
CHANTAL: Idiot.
LORETTA: Oh yeah?
Well at least I'm skinny. What you got?
But I ain't here to tear you downs today.
We done bonded on the sisterhood of
Fuck-All-The-Mens-In-The-Worlds-They-All-Dumb-Sumbitches.
CHANTAL: Halleloo! Halleloo!!!
LORETTA: (sighs) Anyways...
We gonna be talkin' about blind dates
and why they's a shitty idear.
CHANTAL: Oh, don't get me started.
LORETTA: Ain't nobody gonna get you started,
Fantasia-Queef-Queef,
or whatever the fuck your name is.
CHANTAL: Like I was tellin' Lo last night over wine coolers...
I met up with this one dude
and he rolled up and rolled his windows down,
and he said,
"You didn't look like what I thought you was gonna look like."
And I was like,
"I told you I wasn't no skinny ass bitch!"
LORETTA: Hey, why don't you just
set your sights lower.
Go out with mens with no sights at all.
Oh, Piffany!
Why don't you go out with people that are blind?
CHANTAL: Well, I wasn't the problem.
HE was the problem.
LORETTA: Boo hoo...
I always wondered if blind folks-
If all their dates was blind dates.
Cause, you know, I'd be out there
havin' to ask my gay waite
was my date hot or not.
CHANTAL: You should look at a person's insides.
That's most important.
LORETTA: That's just what ugly parents tell their ugly kids.
That's how they keep most of y'all
from cuttin' your ugly wrists.
CHANTAL: Fuck you, you wretched bitch!
I'm goin' back to my beautification exercises.
I'm gonna get me some strange tomorrow.
Ain't like some low moral cunts
in my general vicinity
that can do it at any time,
even if there is a stranger handcuffed next to you
while somebody's tryin' to sleep,
but obviously can't-
While I'm tryin' to sleep there's some
wrinkly ass white woman screamin',
"Stick it in me! STICK IT IN ME!!!"
LORETTA: Fun fact?
This heifer here?
She one of them need-to-be-loved,
standards-so-low bisexuals
that'll spread they legs for anything that move.
And she voyeuristic, damn perv!
Hey, let's bond some more!
Let's exchange our worst blind date war stories.
Ooooh!
You should be on one of them shows
where people dates people in the darks!
You might could score then.
As long as they don't catch a whiff
of your breath in the mornin'-
That shit be kickin'.
CHANTAL: (laughs)
LORETTA: Eww...
CHANTAL: My worst blind date story was...
when this guy showed up to my house
three hours late to pick me up for prom
and he was too drunk to drive-
LORETTA: Wait. Is that a REAL thing?
CHANTAL: Don't interrupt me!
And then my Mama had to call
my cousin Momo to come take me-
LORETTA: And you think that is bad?
What if you done got your hopes up
cause this big-hangin' man
he done sent you a naked pecker picture
and it hangin' halfway down
to his rodilla oblongada,
and lo and behold, we get to the movies
and I reach my hand down his slacks
and come to find out that little pecke
wasn't but about as big a quarter and
about as round as my thumberlina.
And I don't know about you,
but I can do THIS all by myself.
(laughs)
CHANTAL: You're a size queen,
as my homosexual friends would say.
LORETTA: Bitch, you ain't nobody's friend.
So what if I am?
I get my pick of the litter-
Pecker of the litter.
(laughs)
CHANTAL: It ain't the size of the nail.
It's how the handyman hammers it.
LORETTA: Yeah, well all I can say about that is,
you must have a shallow pussy.
(dog whining)
BOTH: Shut up, Buffy!
LORETTA: And if you don't like big peckers
than not only do I question you as a woman,
I question you as a BLACK woman.
CHANTAL: I hope I'm around
when you have your first stroke.
LORETTA: Oh, why we always havin' these
pissin' contests, Contessa? Cum-
Wait, what was your name-
Cumtwat-
CHANTAL: Start this shit again-
We're supposed to be sisters
and unite against the menfolk.
LORETTA: IDK why I'm like this,
Sha-Boom-Sha-Boom-Sha-La-La-Laaa...
Iffin' I had to guess...
I'd say we probably was supposed
to forsake all menfolks,
and let our guards down, and, you know-
It IS sweeps week.
And we could get a lot of big business
for HISI out there, you know,
if we had our first biracial, lesbionic lip lock.
But no tongue,
cause I will jeck you in the neck.
CHANTAL: Well, will it get me more famous?
LORETTA: Bitch, this ain't about you.
Now pucker up, heifer!
Eww!
That ain't right.
Here! Here.
Put this flashlight down there
so at least I can at least stroke on it
and it feel kindly right.
Here, do it like that.
CHANTAL: Ewww...
No! No!!!
LORETTA: Oooh, oooh, oooh!
Let's try kissin' like blind lesbians.
(music)
(laughs)
LORETTA: You know what's the definition of total chaos?
CHANTAL: What's that?
LORETTA: 20 Blind Lesbians in a Fish Market.
(laughs)
CHANTAL: Bitch, you so damn stupid,
but you know I love you.
LORETTA: And that's How We Seize It-
I Seize It-
CHANTAL: Oh, you said 'we.'
You DO care!
LORETTA: Now you shut up.
That's How I Seize It!
CHANTAL: Hey, y'all look for me in 2013.
I'm gonna have my new solo show
and it's gonna be called-