Donald Trump has a new book, a Saturday Night Live appearance, and is just behind... more »

Full Credits

Writer/Director/Performer/Editor: Parker Seaman
Writer/Performer: Wesley Schlagenhauf
Writer: Jon Millstein
Director/Editor: Evan Scott
Producer: Eleanor Winkler
DP: Matt Sweeney
Sound: Gopal Bidiri

Stats & Data

Transcript

Male Voiceover:
Presented by Eric and Donald Trump...
(gun blast)
Wes Schlagenhauf: Trump bros. are back bitches.
(gun shot)
(music)
Parker Seaman: It's recently come out
that Ben Carson is
Parker Seaman: allegedly leading in the polls.
What polls is that
Parker Seaman: the dumb fucking
idiot poll?
Wes Schlagenhauf: Yeah, I got a poll for you.
It's 6 and a half inches
long, and it's made
entirely of Trump meat.
Parker Seaman: Yeah sure, Ben Carson's
great if you want a President
Parker Seaman: who's going to make you
fall asleep every time he
Parker Seaman: opens his dumb fucking doctor
mouth. The guy is a walking lullaby.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Our dad never sleeps.
He can work a hundred hours
Wes Schlagenhauf: straight if he wants to.
That's why he was never able
Wes Schlagenhauf: to tuck us in during in
night-night as kids.
Parker Seaman: I was afraid of the dark.
Together: Live from New York
it's our fucking dad!
Parker Seaman: All the SNL haters can
seriously take a seat and spin.
Parker Seaman: Did you not see him when
he was on the television?
Parker Seaman: He was a laugh riot.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Physical comedy?
Parker Seaman: Check.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Cerebral comedy?
Parker Seaman: Check.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Our dad was so funny,
Lorne Michaels stopped
Wes Schlagenhauf: him after the show, and asked
him if he could be a feature
Wes Schlagenhauf: player in the cast, but he
turned it down because he's
Wes Schlagenhauf: here to make America great again.
Not stupid SNL.
Parker Seaman: Extra! Extra!
Read all about it.
Parker Seaman: My dad didn't read a single
cue card, because he wrote
Parker Seaman: the entire show with his
good buddy and writing partner
Parker Seaman: Tommy Calzone.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Tommy C ghostwrote our
dad's newest book "Crippled America".
Wes Schlagenhauf: But you didn't hear
that from me.
Together: Shh!
Parker Seaman: Stop Eric!
Parker Seaman: Stop!
Parker Seaman: If our pop-pops elected
President, this will be
Parker Seaman: our new bible to our (inaudible),
encyclopedia,
Parker Seaman: and dictionary.
Together: Our dad can read!
Wes Schlagenhauf: This book contains all
known wisdom about politics,
Wes Schlagenhauf: government, life, love, and
even death. If you don't
Wes Schlagenhauf: read this book, and instantly
want to elect my dad
Wes Schlagenhauf: then you got problems man,
and I'm going to kick your ass.
Parker Seaman: Page one, chapter one,
don't fuck this up America.
Wes Schlagenhauf: Page two, chapter two,
I love my dad!
(soft music)
(sobbing)
Wes Schlagenhauf: I love you so much.
Parker Seaman: And he's always going
be there for us.
Wes Schlagenhauf: My hero.
My best friend.
Parker Seaman: Eric,
Wes Schlagenhauf: Yeah.
Parker Seaman: Do you want to go get
Benihana?
Wes Schlagenhauf: I would love that.
(soft music)
Together: That's Trump talk baby!
(explosion)

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