Jonathan loves three things - Kombucha, Diane Keaton, and Game of Thrones.
- June 09, 2015
- 220k Views
Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Julie Brister
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Jonny Mais, Mark Rennie
Editor - John Ford
Director of Photography - Matt Sweeney
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Daniella Nowitz
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser
Assistant Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy
June 09, 2015
Jonathan Van Ness: Oh my god girl, did you watch Game of Thrones this week?
Julie Brister: East and West Coast feed.
(intro instrumental plays)
So right off the top we have between jobs Jason Statham get attacked by
Evil Elijah Wood. Who took a page out of Lisa Left Eye's book when they
burnt the whole damn town down.
> Call PETA, American Pharoah has been left in the toaster oven.
> Then Brother D was getting reacquainted again with the Kardashians for happy
hour at Dubai Cost Plus, but then his first order of business was to (inaudible) his incest
> (Male): What a lovely dress.
> You don't like it?
> You must be cold.
> So then Baby K-Stew is minding her own business trying to run her own indie
female start-up when she gets harassed by this misogynistic dick...
> How much for your little clam?
> Because she was supposed to slip
slender man that killer roofie, but when she saw Colonel Mustard and that
ass hole that shanked her fencing teacher she decided to change course.
> She has priorities.
> And then Baby K-Stew carries the spice herself
into the best little whore house in Braavos.
> Everybody knows that you never shuck and fuck in a whore house.
> That's like a really good way to get mrsa, c. diff...
> Right? Staph...
> I say oysters get the juices flowing.
> And then after that we get a glimpse
of her mark, nice guard R. Kelly who really has Woody Allen's taste in woman.
> Too old.
> (Jonathan): So then in between jobs Jason Statham decides that he's
declining the father of the year award when he tells Little Baby Galapagos
it's her time to contribute to the war sesh.
> (Little Girl): I want to help you.
> She thinks she's just going to have to do some photo ops, do some press junkets...
> But instead, she's lead to the Aggie bonfire where she becomes a very reluctant Joan of Arc.
> Don't do this please! Please!
Mama help. Help!
> Being burned at the stake is almost as bad as being one of the 3 times I had (inaudible) this year.
Because I made the fail mistake of drinking a Kombucha with Yogurtland
with a goat cheese seafood salad. To make matters worse, my lesbian neighbors were
having a barbecue, and I had to run upstairs in shitted lululemon yoga tights.
> Did you throw away your lululemon's?
> Hell no girl. Those were like $109 dollars.
I threw those bitches in the washer, and you best believe I wear those all the time.
So anyway, back to the episode.
> Middle aged Jared let out he's MC'ing at the Rose Bowl.
> Oh my god, and then Christina Aguilera was super uncomfy with the gladiators
situation. Then Sir Carlisle, Kevin Costner body guards his way to the top
when he defends Christina Aguilera from that evil Party City Maudi Gras mother
that was sneaking up behind her. And then the Party City Maudi Gras troop
started crawling out of the wood works. They were shanking everybody. Solange is
about to get shanked. Munchers swoops in and saves the day. Thank God he had
her back. I could not taken another death tonight. But then there's like, trying
to get off the stage they can't go out there. They can't go out there. There's
like no wear to run, no where to hide. And then like Solange and Christina had
this Thelma and Louise moment when they like linked hands.
(Julie): Keep going.
> (Jonathan): "Are you sure?"
> (she mimics crashing sounds of a car tumbling off a cliff)
> And then who pops up? None other than Edward James Olmos the dragon.
He's burning people to a crisp, totally helping his momma out. But then
he started getting shanked with these arrows...it was super upsetting.
Christina Aguilera wasn't having any of it. So she got on the baby dragon, and
she was like, girl, fly girl, fly.
> I'm glad that they ended with that rather than ending with Shireen being burned,
because that was just the rape all over again.
> Ugh...which one?
Yes queen, this is giving me Nymeria Sand realness.
> Where are?
> My dragons.