Eva Mendes Sex Tape

Actor

Eva Mendes

Writer/Director

Jake Szymanski

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with a close of Eva Mendes on a bed, adjusting a night vision camera.

Eva Mendes: Okay.

Male Voice (off-camera): Got it?

Eva Mendes: Hold on. Hold on.

The shot fuzzes out momentarily and comes back, in full color, to show Eva Mendes sitting on a bed, adjusting a camera cable.

Eva Mendes: Got it! Hi folks. I'm Eva Mendes and you've just experienced one of the millions of uses for my new product: Eva Mendes' Sex Tape.

The shot crossfades to Eva Mendes walking into another room

Eva Mendes: At first, I couldn't put it together. I was making my way as an actor and, suddenly, the internet was demanding that I release this...

Eva Mendes picks up a roll of duct tape off a table where there are several rolls of duct tape.

Eva Mendes: ...household product. In fact, Eva Mendes Sex Tape was a top Google search before the product even existed.

The shot cuts to a computer monitor screenshot showing search results for Eva Mendes sex tape. The shot cuts back to Eva Mendes standing next to the table.

Eva Mendes: Now, English isn't my first language, but it doesn't take a genius to know what tape is.

Eva Mendes points to the rolls of duct tape.

Eva Mendes: And people want their tape to secure things...

A graphic of tape appears at the bottom of the screen and the word Secure appears on the tape.

Eva Mendes: ...extremely well.

The words EXtremely Well appear on the tape.

Eva Mendes: They want Sex Tape.

Most of the letters fall off the tape leaving the following text: S.EX. Tape.

Eva Mendes: Well I wanted to create the best sex tape out there. That's why we listened to you!

The shot cuts to screen shot of an Eva Mendes porn site's introduction page.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): My sex tape will take care of the nastiest, dirtiest, most flexible problems you have.

As Eva Mendes speaks, the screenshot scrolls and the words “nastiest” “dirtiest” and “flexible” are lifted from the porn site's text content. The lifted words appear in red and are clearly taken out of context.

Eva Mendes: Rain gutters for example. By demand, my sex tape is safe to use on poles...

The shot cuts to a split screen graphic. On one side is a faux computer that reads EVA MENDES S.EX. TAPE at the top, with the “...smoking POLE like a pro...” beneath it. On the other side is a picture of a telephone pole.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Pipes.

The quote on the faux computer changes to “...she grabs his PIPE and works it...” while the other picture changes to a leaky pipe.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Rods.

The quote on the faux computer changes to “...a stiff ROD in her...” and the other image changes to a rod from an engine.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Rims.

The faux computer reads “...see a RIM job performed...” and the other picture changes to the a care tire rim.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Bottoms.

The faux computer reads “...smack that BOTTOM several times...” and the other picture becomes a woman's shoe that is separating from the sole.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Tops.

The faux computer reads “...on TOP of her...” and the other image changes to a spinning toy top.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): In the back.

The quote on the faux computer reads “...takes it in the BACK door...” and the other picture changes to a picture of an open door.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): In the front.

The quote on the faux computer changes to read “...as she moves in FRONT of him...” and the other picture changes to the front door of a house.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Upside down.

The faux computer reads “...hanging upside down and gyrating...” and the other image changes to an house that has been flipped onto it's roof.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): On a boat.

The faux computer reads “ON A BOAT with sailors...” and the other picture changes to an image of a boat in two large pieces.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): In a tree.

The faux computer quote changes to “...hung like a TREE with branches...” and the other images shows a man in a tree with a chainsaw, cutting branches.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): With toys.

The faux computer reads “...using sex TOYS constantly...” and the other picture changes to show an action figure.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): In Mexico.

The faux computer rads “...only legal in MEXICO...” and the other image changes to a picture of a group of Hispanic people in a desert.

Eva Mendes (voiceover): Covered in champagne.

The faux computer reads “...licking CHAMPAIGNE off his...” the other picture changes to a person in a champagne costume.

The shot cuts to Eva Mendes standing outside placing tape on wooden fencing.

Eva Mendes: And, on untreated, naked wood.

The cuts back to the night vision shot.

Eva Mendes: And, of course, our most popular demand. It'll work in the dark, in my bedroom, with two dudes for at least twenty minutes. Order today.

The words ORDER TODAY flash at the bottom off the screen and the shot cuts to a graphic image of several rolls of tape. Next to the tape it reads:

Eva Mendes' S.EX. Tape
$39.99 +S/H
1-555-EVA-TAPE
ORDER NOW!